Intro - hoping for support/advice on DBing

[melissag]

Well, I went over to H's apartment. Ugh. It was awful. I tried really hard to keep my PMA but my mind was just racing about every last thing. I think I did manage to seem happy and content while I was there. We made dinner, we ate it, cleaned up, joked around with H and his sister, and then I left. It was sort of weird having his sister there - I love her and she is great, but I feel like it prevented H and I from feeling any connection to each other like there normally is. I didn't feel like we had quite the usual rapport we have with each other. I guess that only makes sense.

Anyway, after we ate I said goodnight to the kids and grabbed my stuff to go. I felt like it was very early to leave (only 8:00, 2 hours after I arrived) but I wanted to leave on my own terms. Like I said, I knew there wasn't really going to be a chance for a connection with H, so I figured it was better to leave with a (seemingly) good PMA rather than keep torturing myself.

I said goodbye to H's sister and gave her a hug. Then H initiated a hug. He said thanks for coming over, it was good to see you. I said thanks for having me and pulled away before he did. I couldn't look him in the eye because I knew I was going to lose it, so I sort of whirled around, said bye and left.

I hope that I didn't blow the goodbye, but it was just too much for me. I waited for the waterworks until I was out of the apartment, so he didn't see it. It was mostly good interaction, although it was the weirdest (and saddest) thing I have ever done. I mean, really. I am at my husband's apartment for dinner? I see things that we bought together (hell, a bunch that I bought on my own!) in some new weird place that has nothing to do with me. Really difficult.

I was feeling really good a few days ago (when he moved out) about our connection and feeling pretty hopeful that this was going to be good for us and we would come out stronger on the other side, but now I feel much less hopeful. I feel like I need to do two things: (1) see him again, sans sister, to try to get that connection back; and (2) much more importantly, try to stop letting every interaction freak me out. The roller coaster is really hard to handle and I am so on it right now. I'd really like to get off as it is making me quite nauseous.

Will see him tomorrow when he drops the kids off . . . I think it will be a short interaction. I'm not super excited to hang out with him when his sister is around. Plus I need some time to regroup and get my PMA back!!