Thank you so much Job, Heather, FY, Bright, Jaye and of course UW! All of your thoughts and support mean a lot to me.
Job ~ the first few days afterwards were awkward, we both seemed to tiptoe around each other. I can't speak for him, but I know I had to process everything that was said. I still am. So I am hoping that with time, things will change.
FY and Bright ~ because there was so much that was discussed and I believe my H is still in the tunnel, I don't expect an immediate turn around. The fact that he continues to deny the affair (and how much money he has spent during all this) tells me that he still has a ways to go before we can REALLY work on our M. He has a lot to face, a lot to figure out.
On my end, I see it like this - the relationship gauntlet has been thrown down. He knows where I stand. The ball is in his court now.
I will give him a chance - and the space and time - to see if he's serious.
Jaye ~ oh, do I hear you on the anger! I just kept taking it day by day till I literally felt like I was going to explode. At that point, I wasn't concerned about DBing or how my words may affect him. All I wanted was to get that weight off my chest and put it all out there.
I can't tell you the feeling of relief afterwards.
Go till you can't go anymore.
UW ~ you knew this talk was coming, it had been building for awhile. I can honestly say that without your help, I don't think I would have been that "cool cucumber" - or if the talk would have happened at all.
Thank you, my dear friend
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Different parts of the talk pop into my mind from time to time. Something else that I wanted to share....
H said that he wished I had spoken to him sooner, that we need to get better at communication, that we shouldn't go so long without talking.
I said - this is true. Before all this happened, I was not great about talking to you when I was upset. That is something I need to work on.
I told him - there were many things I know I needed to work on, not for you, but for me. That I had a tough time with things after S3 was born.
He said - I know you did.
This surprised me, because to be honest, I didn't feel like he saw me struggling. He was already in the early stages of his crisis.
He then said - you have done a lot. You seem to be in a good place, you seem to be happy. You seem in a good place physically, I think yoga has been good for you. You plan things, do things. You seem really good. I wish it was that easy for me to turn things around.
I was really shocked by this. We THINK they are unaware of us, that they don't notice things, that they aren't paying attention.
Seems H was most certainly paying attention.
I also told him - I know that I need to improve communicating with you, but to be honest, I didn't think you would have heard me the past two years anyway - that is why I haven't tried talking to you.
His response - you are right, I probably wouldn't have heard you. I wasn't exactly approachable.
Then he looked me right in the eyes - not with the dead, lifeless, scary MLC eyes, but with alive H eyes and said - I want you to know that I hear what you are saying now, that I am listening now.
We will see.
He knows I have put up a wall around my heart to protect it, I told him so. It's going to take a lot to take it down.
Stay tuned for one interesting holiday season - lol! Maybe we can start stringing some popcorn while we eat it?
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
