THINK LIKE HARE MOVE LIKE A TORTOISE

[Ambivalent]

I think I need a companion. Not a lover but someone who will just do some things with me. I'm tired of doing things alone. I don't want to do anything with my girlfriends, for I don't want to discuss my relationship, and I don't want to hear about divorce.

I need to laugh, and enjoy life . I'm not right now. When I look in the mirror, even when I think for someone who is 53, I look not bad,( my daughter and her roommates just told me I looked like I was in my early 40's ) I see such sorrow in my eyes.
I wonder if others see it. I used to be described as a bubbly personality. I don't feel the fizz.

3-7 years is a long time to be married and not be married. Many times in our marriage we were in moving limbo. It was very stressful at those times. I feel this again.

The people who do this , have no clue about the pain that they cause. I feel traumatized. I don't say it to feel sorry for myself, I just feel it. I hear his voice sometimes. I see him in crowds.

I think to myself, is he hurting so badly that discarding someone who gave him two beautiful girls, and her life is so inconsequential? Is the sex drive in a man THAT powerful? Does he really feel younger doing this...how can you put Viagra in your mouth and not feel older when doing that? How long does the denial go on?

I felt as if I didn't count at times in our marriage. His family , his friends, this just makes it worse. It is such a blow to someone's self worth.

I noticed he looked really old tonight. Tired. I don't want to look like him, worn out. Do I see this now because I don't see him daily? Do I look old to him?

I'm not bawling like last weekend. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm not worthy . I feel ostracized, unloved, crushed. One can't be friends after something like this. For friends end things. They don't do this.

He wants to hunt Tuesday morning. I have school, and he thinks we can trade cars afterwards there. I don't want to do that. It is bringing my marriage issues somewhere where I don't want them. I don't want the women to see him or me with him.

I was going to go to the gymn, or a movie. I can't move my body right now. (:/