Intro - hoping for support/advice on DBing

[Mimi00]

Adinva, good stuff in your post. I needed to read that as well, H was my outlet and even though my problems weren't that bad or even frequent, it was pressure for him and I didn't realize that. I assumed b/c we were married this was natural and normal...but apparently not everyone can handle it b/c if they feel as if they need to "fix" it for you and if they can't they feel inadequate. Not realizing most times all women want is someone to listen and tell them things will be ok....

I've learned that writing is a good alternative and if you're spiritual...praying.

[mustardseed]

Hi Malisssa. Thank you so much for posting on my thread. Your first post sounds so familiar. Especially the "we just didn't get each other" part. I feel that is our problem, too. You are doing a great job and I find your posts so inspiring.

[melissag]

It sounds like your reliance on H as your venting spot for dealing with your emotions was damaging to your relationship. You sound resentful now, as if it's partially his fault for no longer being that receptacle, as if it's his rightful place and now you're having to stuff these feelings that you want to share with him. Learn new ways. You can't go back, even if you reconcile, to this because it wasn't healthy for your marriage. It won't be healthy for your future relationships.{/quote]

Hmm. I'll have to ponder that one. My gut reaction is that this isn't true, but I think I have that gut reaction to a lot of things, until I really consider, and then realize that maybe they are true after all and I just didn't want to see/admit it.

I do think that I relied on him too much emotionally when it came to things between us, because I really never talked to my friends about him in what might sound like a negative way. I felt like our issues were private and it wasn't respectful to share them with others. However, I have learned since BD and talking to my best of friends (and the boards here!) that it actually really helps to have some outside perspective, and I do wish I had had that before.

I really am trying not to resent H. I don't think I really do - it's just the way that I protect myself from being hurt, I think. That's one of the things I am really working on - changing my first reaction to things, which tends to be defensive and protective. It is not easy to be vulnerable - for whatever reason I am particularly bad at it - but not being vulnerable, I think, is a big part of what got me here in the first place.

[quote]What will you do that weekend? Go somewhere else cool, take a spa day, sign up for a meetup, start planning something you really look forward to, because I imagine you'll want to spend the weekend crying in bed...don't let yourself.

No way will I spend the weekend crying in bed! I spent a few weeks just completely upside down, crying, feeling entirely hopeless, barely surviving. I hated it. I decided nobody else was going to save me or peel my pathetic ass off the floor, so I did - and I am not going back to that. If I feel sad, yes, I might cry for a bit, or if I am angry, I will go punch some things, but no way will I sit around feeling sorry for myself all weekend. I've got a long list of things to do for me, my house, etc. And I've got friends to hang out with, classes to take, etc.

Thanks, adinva, you always have some great insight/advice in your posts.

[melissag]

I think I should have previewed that post before I submitted it - sorry for the weird formatting!!

[melissag]

So a quick update/journaling a little here.

I am feeling pretty good this morning, because I think I made the right call to send the kids to H's all weekend. He was happy about it, it wasn't the same old, and I actually am enjoying having some time to myself!

I went out last night with some friends (H knows them too - some of them know about the situation and some don't) and it was fun! It had started out as just going out with my girlfriends but then we joined up with a bunch of other people and I won't lie, when the dynamic changed, I was thinking it would really be fun if H was there, too - but I still had fun without him.

H was planning to come pick up the kids last night (he hadn't had room for their booster seats when he left the other day because his car was stuffed with things from the move, I guess), which is out of the way for him. I told him, no worries, I will drop them off since I am headed that way anyway to go out with the girls, and I will bring the boosters. When I dropped them off, he hugged each of them then gave me a big hug and I said, "have fun!!" and left. I didn't make a big scene out of leaving them or giving anyone any instructions (which I hate to admit is the old me), just trust H to take care of them and I can go out and have fun. (Honestly, it also didn't bother me that much to drop them off because I was getting kind of tired of hearing about how great Dad is and how "Mom, it's not that I don't like you - it's just that I REALLY REALLY like Dad," and all the awesome things they are going to do, and how cool his apartment is, etc.)

H sent me a text a little after 10 (our kids usually go to sleep at 8:30) that said, "I'm assuming you're out and don't want to say goodnight to the kids, but let me know any differently." I have no idea what that meant. Maybe it just meant what it said. The way it was phrased I found a bit odd. I just didn't know how to respond to that, and wasn't about to talk to the kids when out with a bunch of people drinking, so I didn't respond. I decided I couldn't mindread and just had no idea how to respond to that, so I let it be. Not sure if that was the right call, but I figured that saying nothing was better than saying the wrong thing. I'm finding it very easy to be around H, but difficult to communicate via text, because I can't read the tone very well.

Anyway, I stayed out until 1:30, which I NEVER do. My two BFFs came in with me so I wouldn't have to come home to an empty house alone which was awesome. I didn't sleep super well, but I stayed in bed until 9:30, which I also NEVER do. (I am usually a type A, get up, do something! type person and I never let poor H sleep in - can I tell you how many times a day I cringe thinking about what a bitch I was to him??) And I enjoyed it!

This afternoon I will see H and the kids and H's sister at S7's basketball game. H invited me over to his place for dinner with everyone, and I am simultaneously excited and nervous. I really don't want to see his apartment. I really don't want to hear nonstop about how awesome Dad is from the kids. (As a side note on that - he is obviously being super fun Dad with them and letting them do all sorts of things we don't usually let them do, and packing in the fun activities in his time with them - but I am trying not to let that bother me.) And I do think it will be somewhat awkward with his sister - we are close but things are a little weird, and I can tell that H doesn't talk to her about any details, really, so she is kind of clueless as to what is going on other than that he moved into an apartment. As of last night, we were texting each other about other stuff, and she hadn't mentioned that she is coming out this weekend, and obviously didn't know she was going to see me today.

Anyway, I am excited to spend time with H, because we usually have a lot of fun together. It is so much easier when it's just the two of us, but I have to live with what it is, so I will do my best.

Question . . . should I bring something over with me? He really didn't take that much stuff from our house, so I know he is missing some things. I have thought about different ideas from a family game that we can play with the kids, to his favorite bourbon glass (which he left here), or a wine opener (which he also left here), or something. Maybe something funny? It's not to give him gifts to suck up to him, but to show solidarity or something. Not sure I can come up with the proper explanation. Plus, it's weird bc when I go to someone's house for dinner, I always bring something. Thoughts?

[melissag]

Oh wow. I needed to come back here for a little bit to vent and to find some wisdom to remind me what I am doing and why so I can turn my attitude around in the next hour.

So I went to S7's basketball game. H had saved me a seat next to him and was all smiley and nice. That's about where the positive ended. So over the course of the hour we were there, I learned that the kids stayed up way late, ate crap for breakfast, went shopping and H bought them everything they wanted, my D apparently now is allowed to bring her iPod Touch with her everywhere (she has never been allowed to take it out of the house before). So she all but ignored me the entire hour playing on her iPod. When it died she tried to take my phone to play on and I said no, so she went and sat on H's lap and cuddled up all pouty. On the way out, she asked him if she could stay at his place tomorrow night too. S (a total Mama's boy up until a week ago) was playing basketball and did come over and give me a hug, but the vast majority of his attention was on oh-so-cool Daddy. So basically, H moves out of our house and he's a big hero now. And, I am sure the kids' sudden worship of him is only pumping him up and telling him what a great decision he made. Ugh!!! Also, H is acting so happy it's almost manic - it's a little disturbing. I don't know if it's fake, or if he's just so happy now that he has a cool apartment and kids who worship him.

So now (in an hour) I am going to go over there for dinner so I can tell him how cool his apartment is and ooh and aah over all the crap he bought for our kids. I'd rather walk on hot coals. But I have to do it. So I need to change my attitude. Any words of wisdom, 2x4s, anything would be appreciated. I'll be here reading the rules, reading mimi's excerpts from Love Must Be Tough, and the wisdom of the other vets on this forum. I need to try to see this from his POV, stop being selfish, and remind myself that my happiness and self confidence comes from within and not from H and not from the way my kids act.

[Mimi00]

For tonight, just allow him to be "cool dad" don't let it affect you.

Through out history it's never been the "cool" parent or teacher that made the greatest impact on the child/students life. It was the one who gave discipline and structure who made the impact and walked away with the respect. So continue to be you, when they are with you.

Your H is probably giving them want they want to keep them happy, busy and because he may not know what else to do, that's why I say for now just keep a PMA at the dinner, get your thoughts together on the matter and proceed how you think is best in a few days. Maybe you'll decide that you would like to sit down w/ your H in the next week or so and discuss the kids and things to help w/ their transition during this process? And let him know you'd like to keep certain structure in place while they are with him and see what he's open to doing?

[melissag]

Thanks, Mimi. You are correct. I can't let 7 and 9 year olds get to me. They are probably just as confused as I am, and they are dealing with it in the way they know how. I am hoping that H will tone down the cool Dad routine as time goes on - it's really not his nature to act like this. Usually he's the one who thinks I am not strict enough. (Isn't there an eye roll emoticon)?)

I have to remember what I am doing, and remember to keep my PMA and not let my actions be ruled by my emotions. And, not let my emotions or actions be ruled by H or my kids!!

Wish me luck, I will need it!!!

[melissag]

Well, I went over to H's apartment. Ugh. It was awful. I tried really hard to keep my PMA but my mind was just racing about every last thing. I think I did manage to seem happy and content while I was there. We made dinner, we ate it, cleaned up, joked around with H and his sister, and then I left. It was sort of weird having his sister there - I love her and she is great, but I feel like it prevented H and I from feeling any connection to each other like there normally is. I didn't feel like we had quite the usual rapport we have with each other. I guess that only makes sense.

Anyway, after we ate I said goodnight to the kids and grabbed my stuff to go. I felt like it was very early to leave (only 8:00, 2 hours after I arrived) but I wanted to leave on my own terms. Like I said, I knew there wasn't really going to be a chance for a connection with H, so I figured it was better to leave with a (seemingly) good PMA rather than keep torturing myself.

I said goodbye to H's sister and gave her a hug. Then H initiated a hug. He said thanks for coming over, it was good to see you. I said thanks for having me and pulled away before he did. I couldn't look him in the eye because I knew I was going to lose it, so I sort of whirled around, said bye and left.

I hope that I didn't blow the goodbye, but it was just too much for me. I waited for the waterworks until I was out of the apartment, so he didn't see it. It was mostly good interaction, although it was the weirdest (and saddest) thing I have ever done. I mean, really. I am at my husband's apartment for dinner? I see things that we bought together (hell, a bunch that I bought on my own!) in some new weird place that has nothing to do with me. Really difficult.

I was feeling really good a few days ago (when he moved out) about our connection and feeling pretty hopeful that this was going to be good for us and we would come out stronger on the other side, but now I feel much less hopeful. I feel like I need to do two things: (1) see him again, sans sister, to try to get that connection back; and (2) much more importantly, try to stop letting every interaction freak me out. The roller coaster is really hard to handle and I am so on it right now. I'd really like to get off as it is making me quite nauseous.

Will see him tomorrow when he drops the kids off . . . I think it will be a short interaction. I'm not super excited to hang out with him when his sister is around. Plus I need some time to regroup and get my PMA back!!

[Not Quitting]

You did really well to hold it together in front of your H. It does get easier to interact, although there will still be times when it's hard to not show how upset you are about the sitch. My H moved out in June and there are times when he comes over to see our son that I can't wait for him to leave and others when I don't want him to go because everything just feels normal again.

Use the time on your own to work on your PMA and on yourself. The times he has the kids is the ideal time for you to GAL.