A lot of us in this place speak before thinking, and act outside of our best interests. In a lot of cases that helped get us into our divorce situations in the first place.
To change, first you must become aware. Then you'll catch yourself after the fact, many times, which is a good sign of awareness. Keep practicing and you'll find the awareness occurs closer and closer to the trigger, and then finally, BEFORE the point where you speak! Then you will have changed. And you have to keep working at it and you'll keep falling down all along the way.
So, each time you mess up, write here or in a journal what you did, why it backfired on you and set your sitch back, and most importantly, what you might have said or done differently. If you do something right, write what was right about it and why it was helpful. Reinforce what you do right, learn from what you do wrong.
Every single time you want to react emotionally, try to STOP yourself. Wait 10 seconds, one minute, an hour, use phrases like "I'll get back to you on that" and "Let me think about what you just said." Give yourself a chance to think before you speak. You'll get better at it. Each time you get a chance to think, realize that disrespecting her wishes is NOT going to make her love you...you CANNOT make her love you...you can make your sitch worse by pressuring and pushing your wants needs and convictions on her.
As I look back on my sitch, something pops out as a turning point for me. I had someone here trying to get me to agree that my H had a right to leave me. He had a right to be happy. If my son was in a bad marriage would I want him to stick it out for life or would I want him to do what it takes to be happy. This was very painful for me to read and think about and I disagreed strongly with it. After all my H was WRONG, what he was doing was MORALLY WRONG, and I expected my boys to marry for life and stick it out good or bad because it's the RIGHT thing to do. I really resisted this line of thinking. But it did make a turning point for me, where I could eventually have some compassion for H. This isn't easy for him either. Obviously he thinks he's doing what he must. I hate like crazy that I'll be divorced and that my kids are in a broken home, but that's life and it's my job to make the best of my role in it that I can. H's decisions, choices, behavior, limitations, all are completely out of my control, and wishing things were different does no good at all.
I think my turning point was letting go of the idea that H was WRONG, and turning my focus to how I was going to handle myself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
That's an awesome reply, but as I read it I also feel sad because you're right - everyone has a right to do what makes them happy and one would hope that people would stand by their marriage vows (unless abuse, etc) because it would seem that outside of those issues other concerns can be made well. I find it hard to be a quitter or see someone I love quit, right or wrong and I know I will have a difficult time truly letting go of the fact that she CAN and WILL do as she pleases and I have no control over it...and if I do TRY to control it, I'll just make it worse.
I'm going to let your reply sink in and try to absorb it...so far today I've only spoken to my kids in the morning and a single text in the afternoon asking how everyone was. I'm really struggling not being involved in my W's life, especially now that I finally have time away from work to be around.....this move to FL was supposed to be a new beginning for our family and it's turned into a disaster that is tearing me up. In some way I do believe that my W has compassion for the way she knows I feel and I certainly feel the pain that my W has because it's broken my heart....now if I can only show her true respect and happiness knowing what I know she wants, that will be a turning point for me. My kids - I hate for them to be in this mess, very undeserving for them, it makes me phyically and emotionally sick - my W proclaims they'll be just fine as long as "She's happy". Makes a guy feel great, huh?
me - 43 her - 34 married - 14 yrs Son 7 Daughter 8 The bomb - June 2013
You will come to a point were you will get over the "feelings". IMO, you are still hanging on to the "it's all about me" stuff. Personally, I don't care how you "feel". Yeah, sounds a little harsh. That's just my opinion.
I moved because my W wanted to move back to her home state. I gave up a business I had built up over 22 years as a sole proprietor (7 years) and with a partner (15 years). I sold my house. I sold my half of my business.
In the end, I got over it. Why? Because it didn't matter. My M is what mattered. It was my trying to control everything and trying to influence the outcome of everything that was making it all worse.
I had to start making changes for me. I had to make life changes for me. By "for me", I am referring to making myself into a better man and person and not on a selfish level.
It took some time for it to sink in for me. A couple of people here gave me some solid kicks to the groins and some well placed slaps to the head but I finally got it.
You will get there, too.
So, tell us what you are doing. Like I said, I don't care how you feel. Feelings are over-rated. I don't care what you read. I want to know what changes you made. What course of action are you taking?
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
It's tough to feel so neglected when the person you love is right in front of you...it tears you apart
Yes, and it is most likely what your W felt all of the years before she became so fed up she left you emotionally.
Stop making excuses and start doing what needs to be done, which is to work on you. Not worrying about what your W is doing, not going on dates, not blaming her that your kids will be from a broken home.
If you want a chance, and that's all it is, is a chance - you have to give your wife time and space and focus on yourself and your own growth.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I thought of selling our new home - as I mentioned we moved to FL under my W's direction - it took almost 3 years to get the position and during that time, expecially the last year we did tons of planning with family that lives here, we had grand plans layed out. I've looked into what opportunities are avaialble back in NC, although I can't act on any of them due to contract obligations in my new position..but I could in the near future. I did mention this to my W some time ago, but she stated that it wouldn't be to save the M, it would be for me to be closer to the kids (because she wants to move back there). SO, I find it difficult to sacrifice a 23 yr career, sell a home and leave somewhere where the kids have wonderful opportunites / activities, etc and I have a job with time off for something I can't (in her eyes) have..a marriage with her. If we didn't have these concerns I would do it...I would even switch career paths if necessary but that isn't what we're talking about. We made this move not only for me, but for my W and for my family - she changed her mind because of her EA/PA and friends back in NC (we lived there 6 yrs on place and 5 yrs another - in total we have moved 4 times, twice with kids). Her at home business was something that she said was always portable, which is why she never rented a store front - so she could easily pick up and move. Her business was very good, mainly the last 3 years.
I have gone out of my way since moving to advertise for her business (she has done minimal) - placed ad's, dropped business cards, looked into lease space, talked her up at every opportunity. She doesn't seem to care because she doesn't want to be "here" if "here" means with me or FL is anyone's guess at this point. Prior to that (when in NC) she consistently researched the Tampa area market for her business to see how she would re-start it...she was excited to build a much larger client base.
As for me, I've been getting back to the hobbies I enjoy - cycling, working out, traveling, going to the beach, bought annual disney passes, got into BMX and RC racing with my son, I'm making 90% of my kids gymnastics practices (before this job is was barely 5%) I'm eating healthy, dressing well, enjoying my job (when this stuff isn't on my mind). Doing tons with my kids at home (because I'm around) I'm planning a trip either just myself or taking my kids to Key Largo this month...which also happens to be during my 14th wedding anniversary. I've been reading..not just internet..but buying books, kindle, etc. I've made new friends, some of whom are woman and I've found them to be great to talk too. I've tried (but haven't done as good as I can) to re-kindle some family relationships (we all live in different states / countries). I've been thinking hard about how I got here and why I wasn't smarter to know better...I'm not the same person I was 8 months ago, I don't think I have the capacity to be that person any longer.
me - 43 her - 34 married - 14 yrs Son 7 Daughter 8 The bomb - June 2013
Is your W going to move back to NC regardless of what the state of your M is? If so, you best be fixing to look into what it is going to take to be back in NC so you can be a proper father. What is more important? Your career or your kids?
Screw your contractual obligations. The way you sling that around, IMO, sounds like more of a cop out than anything. What are they going to do to you? Sue you for taking care of your family? Taking your families needs into account, instead of focusing on your own, sounds like it would be a huge 180 for you.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Financially I would be responsible for close to $50k payback if I break contract. My W says she would like to move back to NC (not even back to the town we left, but to the coast) but as they say - believe nothing of what they say...who knows. Either way, if she files for D the state isn't going to let her just pick up and move away than 50 miles.Taking care of my family and espcially my kids is of course my priority, although my priority is NOT moving back to NC so my W can be with her girlfriend, that is just plain silly. My children are just fantastic where they are, proper father and all. Although I can appreciate your point of view, it's simply not the case. A huge 180 for me would be not providing for my family. With my new job I finally have the time to focus quality time on them and it's quite evident; my children notice because they routinely mention to me how nice it is to have me home and I am engaged in their numerous activities...much improved over the last few years.
me - 43 her - 34 married - 14 yrs Son 7 Daughter 8 The bomb - June 2013
Feel your feelings, acknowledge them and move on. Denying feelings can get us in a heap of trouble but packing them all in a suitcase and carrying them around with us can too.
You feel hurt that your W left the marriage. What can you do about that?
Our emotions change all the time unless we choose to hang on to them.
Do you see yet where you're still in the ME ME ME?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
