I think you handled this conversation fabulously. I really do. You sounded calm, decisive about what you expect in a marriage and firm about what you see as the truth. And, you gave him an out.
I'm taking notes. Very inspiring.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Wow, what an exciting point for you in your sitch, TVS. Taking a break from the board seems to have done you well. I can imagine how good it must have felt to finally let all that out. You did your work and the time was right. There can be no questions in H's mind what is expected in your M now.
It seems he really doesn't want to lose you. (and who could blame him?!) Now I just hope he realizes how serious the situation is and starts doing the necessary work.
You laid down your rules. Continue to be strong, don't accept more limbo. I'm guessing you need to see some effort now. You've worked so hard for your M, you deserve a real turnaround. Oh yeah... and Bust On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
T, I think it was a good conversation. You did a great job, stayed calm and confident. Now it is up to him to show that he is serious about what he said.
I don’t know if you should expect a lot of progress right away. I would say that he will need some time to process it more. Be patient.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I don’t know if you should expect a lot of progress right away. I would say that he will need some time to process it more. Be patient.
^^^True. But considering the weight of all that was said, it seems there should be some signs of progress and effort right off the bat, and then sustained and increased over time, if he intends to be the H TVS explained she needed him to be.
Now is not the time to settle for less, unless you want more limbo.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I felt a lot of anger towards him. I couldn't stand to be near him or hear the sound of his voice. Looking at him, all I thought of was how much he has hurt me.
This is exactly where I am TVS. Exactly. Its awful. Its not who I want to be, a hate filled person. It seems to be building and building within me and I know I will have to address it soon.
I'm tired of pretending that there isn't a third person in our M. It isn't fair to me, I deserve better.
Yes, you definitely deserve better. And I love this line and am going to use it. Sooner or later.
He says - I'm nice to you, I try to be nice to you. Don't you think I'm nice?
I say - yes, you are nice to me. But you aren't loving or affectionate in any way.
I have heard a variation on this theme from my H. Like "nice" makes the "nasty" okay. Well, it doesn't.
Kudos to you for remaining a cool cucumber.
Take care!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Well, well, it appears Ms. Yoga Butt kicked some Not-Yoga Butt!!!
Well done TVS, well done.
Everyone's sitches has their own time for switching from "truth darts" to "truth nukes". Yours has come.
Now he's going to have to digest all this stuff, and even with most non-mlc guys this digesting may take a while (that's just how we are designed), so keep the patience dosage high for a bit longer.
Keep being you...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thank you so much Job, Heather, FY, Bright, Jaye and of course UW! All of your thoughts and support mean a lot to me.
Job ~ the first few days afterwards were awkward, we both seemed to tiptoe around each other. I can't speak for him, but I know I had to process everything that was said. I still am. So I am hoping that with time, things will change.
FY and Bright ~ because there was so much that was discussed and I believe my H is still in the tunnel, I don't expect an immediate turn around. The fact that he continues to deny the affair (and how much money he has spent during all this) tells me that he still has a ways to go before we can REALLY work on our M. He has a lot to face, a lot to figure out.
On my end, I see it like this - the relationship gauntlet has been thrown down. He knows where I stand. The ball is in his court now.
I will give him a chance - and the space and time - to see if he's serious.
Jaye ~ oh, do I hear you on the anger! I just kept taking it day by day till I literally felt like I was going to explode. At that point, I wasn't concerned about DBing or how my words may affect him. All I wanted was to get that weight off my chest and put it all out there.
I can't tell you the feeling of relief afterwards.
Go till you can't go anymore.
UW ~ you knew this talk was coming, it had been building for awhile. I can honestly say that without your help, I don't think I would have been that "cool cucumber" - or if the talk would have happened at all.
Thank you, my dear friend
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Different parts of the talk pop into my mind from time to time. Something else that I wanted to share....
H said that he wished I had spoken to him sooner, that we need to get better at communication, that we shouldn't go so long without talking.
I said - this is true. Before all this happened, I was not great about talking to you when I was upset. That is something I need to work on.
I told him - there were many things I know I needed to work on, not for you, but for me. That I had a tough time with things after S3 was born.
He said - I know you did.
This surprised me, because to be honest, I didn't feel like he saw me struggling. He was already in the early stages of his crisis.
He then said - you have done a lot. You seem to be in a good place, you seem to be happy. You seem in a good place physically, I think yoga has been good for you. You plan things, do things. You seem really good. I wish it was that easy for me to turn things around.
I was really shocked by this. We THINK they are unaware of us, that they don't notice things, that they aren't paying attention.
Seems H was most certainly paying attention.
I also told him - I know that I need to improve communicating with you, but to be honest, I didn't think you would have heard me the past two years anyway - that is why I haven't tried talking to you.
His response - you are right, I probably wouldn't have heard you. I wasn't exactly approachable.
Then he looked me right in the eyes - not with the dead, lifeless, scary MLC eyes, but with alive H eyes and said - I want you to know that I hear what you are saying now, that I am listening now.
We will see.
He knows I have put up a wall around my heart to protect it, I told him so. It's going to take a lot to take it down.
Stay tuned for one interesting holiday season - lol! Maybe we can start stringing some popcorn while we eat it?
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
you had convo i wish i could/would. soo same as me - it's creepy. except i have no such convo going on. my h has ow who was a friend of mine back in the day also. i cannot stand the thought of her. they both "back stabbed"me. idk what one does with that info.
your script was good stuff - well put and in control. i don't go there - BUT FEEL EXACTLY like you- living this life that is a big ole lie stinks. i'm not his buddy or roomie or sister or w hatever. he & his "friend" have sex and that is that. i hate it- and that is that. he "cares a great deal for me", "wants me to stay in his life" he pays bills, he "enjoys my company" but HONESTLY- he's immersed in his sepatate life more of the time- to enable him to have constant contact with her and i am not kidding myself.
i hate that too. i am a gutless worm here tho- i think honestly if i said choose - he'd pick her. i think about this mwd is rite.
like you i don't think he even is aware of how much pain for how long he's caused - and the stupid and rotten things he's said.
it's allll abouth im- he did say lately he was confsed (it's smaLL BUT FOR HIM it's huge - to even move his stupid lips and initiate any kind of talk about his feelings).
it hasn't changed one thing tho- he is still there doing what he's doing. (down in fl while i'm here in nj). i said i wanted to go back down to fla for awhile and see my family & hang out- he's coming up here wed to drive me back down there.
don't know if it's a mistake on my part to just go in and "reclaim" a bit where i've lived for 38 yrs, or if i should just be staying rite away and havingh my life up here.
i kind of can't "get ON" with my life for real with it allup in the air like it is. he doesn't get that - or care really i think.
i feel sooooo exactly like you- maybe i'd rather just stop it and go cold turtkery (tho i'll be mighty lonely and alone) rather than this crap of knowing they're togehert when they are. and i do.
makes me hate them both sometimes- i distract myself away- bit it's in the background and i do not like going there. i don't like being this person- and i'm afraid it will stick someday and i'll be bitter and angry and hateful like my mother - eeeeeeek.
i mean it- EEEEEEK -. don't like to even think it.
feel like (as usual) my hands are tied- soooo DIDJA KNOW WHEN THE TIME WAS RITE? AND PLUNGE IN... I CAN't get a reading or feeling for that- i got blubbering at the foodstore this past week- it's just the sheer exhaustion of it all-
wtf??? good luck- you sound like you're doing great so far handling this really low pointy- i hope it's alto the beghinniong for you of a upward swing. it's inspring and yourh said some good tings. i'd like to even hear my h say he wants to remain in a life with me, etc. as yours did. i'd take it-
i am bummed by this two house ting- and separate lives is so hard on the nerves and i can't figure how to fix it really.; everyone says "just do this, and just do that" but it never seems really that easy. well, unless i'm totally without one shred of caring whether it goes one way or the other.
i guess back to the moment when we don't care whethr the r survives or dies -
oh well- flounder flounder - thanks for sharing- it's hopeful stuff to us out here....
Take care!