Deciding What to Do.....

[MyNewStrength]

25yearmlc -

I hope you know that YOUR posts really speak to me the most. I really don't know where my H is relative to his "being done." My feelings are based on what he has TOLD me. He really believes he is done. I am suppose to ignore that?

I know that I have been wallowing in my depression and circumstances. I do understand that it is not helping me to feel this way, and sometimes I forget because of the pain that I still feel. Even during my session today with my IC, I was negative about my life. I have been looking at my life (and not just my married life), and while some may say that I have survived a lot, I still feel like I have a tag on my back that screams "I am NOT deserving".

Full disclosure - I was sexually abused by my mother's husband, molested by mother's father, my biological father and his family denied my existence, and my Husband has left me not once, but this is the third time. I cannot have children after having a miscarriage. I think about all of this and I am discouraged, and sometimes blame God, but I still thank God every day.

Right now, I only have peace when I pray to God and believe that my prayer was heard. I am lost when I cannot hear God....which has been often. So I start to wonder if he is interested in my pain and suffering?

I know.. that is nonsense, but I don't feel leveled in my thinking. I am getting there, but I have a long road.

You were a warrior when it came to GALing and I am hoping to push through and dedicate myself to doing things that I have not had an opportunity to do. I am slowly getting out of the house. But I guess I have held myself back because I am thinking that if I start doing things to make me happy that I will lose interest in saving my marriage or that my H will see that as me not being interested in a reconciliation if expresses interest.

STUPID right!!!! I know... slap me with a 2x4.

See I do understand I know what I should be doing. It is just hard to let go, but as you said "Don't surrender to the excuses to hide from the world."

Thank you so much for your words - they mean so very much to me.