I am glad you were able to get the note back. FWIW, I sure understand how you want to talk to her (verbally or written), but it doesn't work on a S who is not in the right place to hear you. Just as some W's may try to talk to the H b/c she's not happy....and it doesn't seem to do much good. He has to wake up and "want" to hear it. She will have to wake up and want to hear what you tell her. If you tell her now, it will fall on deaf ears....and possibly make her angry too. Even though it seems very logical to tell her those things, she is not in a logical mindset. Just like you, her emotions are leading her actions. So what usually happens is...it backfires.
Quote:
I was wanting to let her know some of the things I have realized over the past several months.
I hope you will have the opportunity to show her by living that new found information every day from this point forward. As you read these words, your emotions will want to reject everything I've just said....b/c you are scared and panicking. Your old behaviors are screaming out and telling you to STOP HER BEFORE SHE GETS AWAY and to FIX THIS RIGHT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. (BTW, if she does leave, it doesn’t mean it’s too late.)
She has things she has to figure out. Every time you try to do something to fix the problem, she feels like she has to make a decision. That is only one reason the LBH should not try to talk his way into a better MR. It simply pushes her further away. The time will come to talk, but it’s not right now. To her, talk is probably pretty cheap, IDK. You are like a drowning man who is screaming out a bunch of promises if God will let you live. She will turn her head away. However, if you start to swim, then she will probably look back.
You can’t fix her….and neither can you stop her from walking out of your life. You just have to become a man who can attract her back into his life. I know, everyone will tell you to do it for yourself and not her….but your motivation right now is in what will cause her to want to stay in the M. So I’m telling you. She has to see herself being happier with you than without you. The older or wiser a woman is, the less she is usually persuaded by promises (words) alone.
Do you remember reading in DR where Michele said she may not be able to tell everyone what works to save their marriages, but she could tell what doesn’t work? Well, that’s the way it is on the board. I suppose a newcomer could feel they do nothing right b/c people are quick to point out what they do wrong. But try to see it as leaning new information.
Your W needs to feel free. If you try to "make" her stay for ANY reason.....she will feel trapped. You can't use her wedding vows, children, religion, or any other emotional leverage to keep her in the M. The LBS wants to "remind" the WAS of a lot of things, but the problem has nothing to do with the WAS forgetting those areas. The problem is the WAS having emotional or physical needs that have not been met by the LBS. For some WAW's, it s as if she steps over into something similar to the Twlight Zone and nothing seems to affect her the same as it once had.
I maintain the belief that the WAW has to experience some type of loss......due to her walk away actions. Something that hits her hard enough it begins to shake her out of her twightlight state. However, I have never read or personally known where the WAW wakes up by receiving a letter from her LBH'S or hearing him give another talk about their relationship.
In your frame of mind, you are wondering how she will know (especially the part of how you feel, what you've learned, and what you are willing/not willing to do), but it is not the magic key that opens her heart and reaches her senses.
She has to feel that she is free to leave. However, IMO, a WAW should not be given assurance that her H will wait for her with open arms. I do not think she should be given a hall pass to leave the M to go out to "find herself", kick up her heels, or for OP......with a picture in her head of her pitiful LBH living for the day she decides to waltz back into the door of their home, and think things will just pick up as if nothing ever happened. But I don't want you to take what I say about this and run with it b/c you need to learn more on the subject.
Well, this post is too much at one time, so I will stop for now and send another one as soon as I can.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
