The tide is high, but I'm holding on

[Takevowsserious]

Hello everyone

It's been an interesting past few months here, a lot has happened.

I apologize for not keeping up with everyone's threads or commenting, but I felt that my energy and attention was needed here at home for various reasons.

Rewinding...

Sometime in August, I overheard a phone conversation between H and OW. He was upset, they were arguing. I only overheard a little bit before he decided to walk around the neighborhood while talking to her. He didn't know I overheard him.

After that, he spent several weeks moving closer to me. He was being nice and thoughtful, coming up to bed every night, and took me out for my birthday. I really thought he was starting to come out of it.

My bad.

Without warning, he went back into the tunnel. Started to distance himself, text more, stopped coming to bed. Looked like the love birds made up.

I was crushed, my own fault I know. Having NO expectations is hard stuff, especially when they are living with you.

So in the midst of my hurt, I decided that I was done with the status quo. I was done living like this - living a pretend life full of lies day after day.

I decided that if he wasn't going to be a H to me, then perhaps some of the wifey perks he was receiving needed to end.

I stopped doing his laundry, packing his lunch, making his coffee. No more initiating small talk or cheery good nights. I was DONE.

Fast forward to last Saturday...

[Takevowsserious]

The stress level around here was very high, the tension constant.

He seemed to sense something was different with me, but didn't know why or what to do about it. First, he started being extra nice. I stayed the same. Then, he distanced himself from me. I stayed the same. Then, he went back to being nice again. I didn't waiver.

I felt a lot of anger towards him. I couldn't stand to be near him or hear the sound of his voice. Looking at him, all I thought of was how much he has hurt me.

Everything started to weigh heavily on me. I had a tough time sleeping. I felt a constant weight on my chest. My thinking was scattered.

I found myself crying my eyes out in a grocery store parking lot last Saturday afternoon. My rock bottom. I thought to myself - f this - this is not who I am or who I want to be. Enough is enough.

I went home, and H knew right away that something was wrong. He asked me what was wrong. I said - a lot.

This sparked a two hour R talk. We haven't discussed us since last January. Well, a lot has changed since then, including me.

[job]

I'm so sorry that the stress level was very high in your home...but there comes a time when you have to have a talk w/the in home mlcer and it sounds like your pot finally boiled over.

You've been at this for a long time and having the live in mlcer is difficult and yes, extremely stressful. T, I admire you for dealing w/this as long as you have w/o boiling over.

I do hope and pray that the 2 hour talk cleared the air a bit and you feel better. Please take care of yourself.

[Takevowsserious]

Now I will tell you that I did not go into this unprepared. I had some pretty wonderful people help me in what to say. I had a short script planned.

Well, take acting off my list of possible career choices, because I didn't exactly stick to my script - sorry Mach! Lol!!!

I did start out with the script - told him I was unhappy living like this. He said - what do you mean? I said - living a fake life, living a lie. I'm tired of pretending that there isn't a third person in our M. It isn't fair to me, I deserve better.

I was prepared for his denial. I told him I didn't need him to confess, I already knew it was true. I wasn't going to debate it with him.

I asked him - do you think I'm dumb? Do you think so little of me, that you think I'm an idiot and can't see the obvious?

He says - no, I don't think you're dumb.

I say - I have known you for many years, have been friends with you, have been your wife for how long? Really H, how could I not know?

He says - I'm not that same guy from years ago.

I say - I know. I'm not that same person either. A lot has happened to us, life has thrown a lot at us. I don't expect you to be that same guy from years ago, but I do expect you to be honest with me.

He says - I'm nice to you, I try to be nice to you. Don't you think I'm nice?

I say - yes, you are nice to me. But you aren't loving or affectionate in any way.

He says - I know. I need to be better.

This leads into a long talk about a lot of things.

[job]

T,
You handled the conversation quite well and I'm glad you had your "script" handy. Hopefully this conversation will "break the ice" a bit and he'll start to move forward. I do think he got stuck just a wee bit and needed some prodding.

How are you and the little ones doing?

[Takevowsserious]

Thanks Job. You've been here with me the whole time. I do appreciate it

I'm not going to go over every detail of our convo, but I wanted to share a few things. I hope that some out there will find this helpful, giving some insight into the MLCer.

We talked about the bomb.

I said - I knew we weren't getting along, but truly never saw that coming. I always thought we could work through our problems. I wasn't prepared to hear that your feelings had changed for me, that you thought our M was a sham, that you weren't happy being here.

He told me that he had anger building up in him for a long time. That there was some stuff about me, but mostly it was other things. That everything just came to a head, and the dam burst.

So I tried to validate by saying back to him - so you are saying that you were mad at me about some things, but mostly other stuff, and took it out on me.

Him - that's exactly it.

Me - so you don't think our M is a sham?

Him - no. I didn't then, and I don't now.

Me - you may not remember much of what you have said to me over the past two years, but it has been a lot of hurtful stuff.

Him - wow, when you say it like that - two years - I didn't realize it's been that long. You have to understand that I've spent most of that time bunkered down in my own world just to survive.

Me - do you still feel that way?

Him - sometimes, but mostly not. I'm happy being home now, I like being here.

Me - because of the boys.

Him - because of them, but you too. You are part of it, part of home.

He talked about how angry he was, how nothing made him happy, not even the boys . Said how they actually added to his anger and unhappiness. Said that now, he loves being with them, looks forward to spending time with him, they make him laugh, make him happy.

I think the part where he talks about being in his own world just to survive is very telling. That's it, that's what they do in MLC. They don't live, they survive.

[LoisB]

TakeV,

I'm sorry how you had your hopes dashed. It sounds like you have been so stoic and brave

I am amazed you held off as long as you did. You are an amazing woman. It's wonderful how you planned what you needed to say.

Did he offer suggestions as to how he was going to improve his husbandly duties?

Heather

[Takevowsserious]

Job, the boys are doing great. They have been sheltered for most of this, I am so very grateful. But they are aware of things too.

I asked H - do you want them to grow up and think that THIS is what marriage is? Because that thought mortifies me. He agreed, and said he didn't want them to think this is what M is, that he wants to set a better example, that he would do anything for them.

We talked a bit about OW.

Now I know that typically, this should be a no no to discuss. But because she is someone I was once good friends with, I feel that adds a twist to my sitch, changes things a bit from most MLC A's.

He insists they are friends. That she helped him through a tough time when he didn't feel like he was able to talk to me.

So I say - I'm sure she did help you. Think she was a good friend to me?

Insert the sound of crickets chirping here - lol!

He gave me a lot of bs, said that he's not sure what our friendship was like, that things were convoluted. He didn't jump to her defense though.

I say - do you think she backstabbed me?

Him - yes, but you backstabbed me.(this is him referencing that I talked about him to her when we were friends)

Me - we aren't talking about me, we're talking about her. She hasn't been loyal to her H or me, so I am missing how she is this great friend and loyal person.

More cricket noises.

I then throw out - how would you like it if I had a R with a guy the way you do with her?

Lots of cricket noises here folks.

He thought long and hard before he answered that one. His answer - "probably not".

Damn right.

I say - so, it would be a problem if I had a "friendship" with a man the way you have with her?

Him - probably.

I brought the conversation back to he and I.

[job]

T,
Some powerful stuff went on in that conversation. You know what? It had to be said and you kept your voice calm and level. That's what is important. When we get emotional, it throws them in a tail spin.

You did very good. I'm proud of you. I do think that the dynamics in your home are going to change quite a bit in the months to come...just dig a bit more for patience.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Heather!

I can sum up the rest of our convo as this -

He said that he is aware he has put forth no effort into our M, and he knows it is wrong and he wants to change that. He told me numerous times that he just wasn't capable this past few years.

He said that he is devoted to me, that he wants to be with me, that he has feelings for me, that he wants to be married to me. He didn't at any time come out and say that he loves me, but he did say, "I try to be good to you in front of the boys so they know that I love you."

I was very honest with him. I told him that I'm not willing to share him, that I'd rather not be with him at all.

He said that he would never expect me to share him.

I said that when I married him, it was because I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him. He quickly said he felt the same way. But then I said - I'm not happy being your buddy or roommate. I don't want to live this way. If you don't want to be a H to me, you are free to go.

He said - I want to be a H to you, I want to be with you.

At the end of the convo, he reiterated that he was going to try to be better to me and our M. That he wanted to be here.

He refuses to consider counseling at this time.

I ended things by saying that I will give this a chance, but that I still know that he is in a R with her. That I believe that as long as he is involved with someone else, things will never really be good between us. How could they be? I told him that I need to come first above other people, my feelings need to come first. I told him he can't make me and her happy, it's impossible.

He agreed with me, but still denies the affair, says they are friends.

I told him - well then, your definition of friends is much different than mine. Lol!

So....

I am giving him a chance here, but with my guard way up. I saw a lot of clarity from him, and this is the first time since bomb that he agreed with me on many things, admitted some things, and actually came out and said he wanted to be with me and be married to me.

I think he meant what he said. I'm just not so sure he's ready to do it.

He either will do what he promised or not.

I know I'm gonna be okay no matter what he does.

Thanks for being here my friends

And as FY likes to say - bust on!