My last thread was locked before I had a chance to put this one in, but here's the link: Becoming Comfortably Numb

I am going to start from the beginning of my day. I could really use some advice.

Sigh. I really wanted to start my new thread happy.

Yesterday started off quite well. Was not as productive at work as I would have liked, but I am finally getting back into the groove although I realize now what a tremendous toll the last year has taken on my work performance.

Went over to my folks place for dinner, our weekly tradition. Dad saw the doctor the day before and his leg does not look good. There is a real possibility he may lose at least the foot. Right after saying that, I am told that all of my stuff that is in the house has to be removed because they may be looking to move to a more suitable house. And it was about time my stuff was taken out anyway.

Now, before I tell you what happened, I should say that the digs about my lack of enthusiasm in housekeeping matters are pretty much something I deal with every single time I visit or talk to them. The only stuff in the house were a few boxes and a book shelf in a room they never use. Yet, it was the biggest crime to have the stuff there and I know I should have just removed it long ago but it never seemed to be a priority with me.

In any event, by digging at me, I completely lost sight of the big issues - dad's leg and the fact that they were thinking of leaving my childhood home and how horrifying this must be to them - and ended up in a vicious screaming match with them. In the middle of it all, I remembered my DB'ing and tried to shut up and soften my voice, but my dad is like me - push, push and scream some more. The difference is that he gets very personal.

I am so embarrassed and revolted by my reaction to the news. Which I realize had nothing to do with anything except the bomb of more bad news on top of an area in my life where I can never measure up. And where they never let me forget it.

In order to calm myself down, I took all the boxes and threw them into the trunk.

We all calmed down after a bit. But I could barely speak. I owe them a huge apology and I will give it to them. But I am so torn up at how I reacted. It was so...wrong. Being picked at does not compare to what it is that my family is facing. I love my father but he will not let me forget this.

My reaction is the reason for the new thread title. I must learn to STFU. More self-control.

I shared this with everyone because I think the universe may be playing some sick joke on me. As you can imagine, I was feeling very down when I finally reached home and felt even worse as I looked around the apartment that was in such need of a clean.

I cancelled my plans with friends as I could not face anyone right then and turned off my phone. I cannot tell you how ashamed of myself I am for that mess.

As the phone was off, guess who called? AND left a message.

Of all the nights in the world. I have never been so grateful that I missed a call. I could not have handled it in my state of mind.

His message basically said that it has been a long time, he was unsure if he should call but that waiting to call was not going to make it any easier but he wanted to talk to me. He was unsure if I would tell him off for calling.

Here is where I can use some advice. What the big blow up illustrated to me is that I clearly need to reduce my stress level and get a grip. To focus on me and the things that are in the here and now.

I will respond to his voice mail somehow, but I am not sure how. I respect how hard it must have been for him to call me.

The thing is, I don't know WHY he is calling me and I am not in a good place to hear about GF or to get caught up in something right now. If GF is still in the picture, I really do not want anything to do with him. His words of last year haunt me: "She is the only one fighting for this friendship" Even if those words were untrue, I don't want to hear them again or any variation on that theme. Oh, my GF thought I should call you and make up. I know how paranoid that sounds and how negative. But I do not trust him.

I was thinking of texting him to say thanks for reaching out but that I have some family matters that need to be dealt with which require my attention for now.

The thing is, if he has any "bad" news for me, I just want to ask. Is now the time to say if GF is there, perhaps we should let this go already?

If anybody read this far, I could sure use some perspective and advice. I almost fell over when I heard his voice on my voice mail. But I really do not think I can handle any more drama right now.