Intro - hoping for support/advice on DBing

[melissag]

It sounds like your reliance on H as your venting spot for dealing with your emotions was damaging to your relationship. You sound resentful now, as if it's partially his fault for no longer being that receptacle, as if it's his rightful place and now you're having to stuff these feelings that you want to share with him. Learn new ways. You can't go back, even if you reconcile, to this because it wasn't healthy for your marriage. It won't be healthy for your future relationships.{/quote]

Hmm. I'll have to ponder that one. My gut reaction is that this isn't true, but I think I have that gut reaction to a lot of things, until I really consider, and then realize that maybe they are true after all and I just didn't want to see/admit it.

I do think that I relied on him too much emotionally when it came to things between us, because I really never talked to my friends about him in what might sound like a negative way. I felt like our issues were private and it wasn't respectful to share them with others. However, I have learned since BD and talking to my best of friends (and the boards here!) that it actually really helps to have some outside perspective, and I do wish I had had that before.

I really am trying not to resent H. I don't think I really do - it's just the way that I protect myself from being hurt, I think. That's one of the things I am really working on - changing my first reaction to things, which tends to be defensive and protective. It is not easy to be vulnerable - for whatever reason I am particularly bad at it - but not being vulnerable, I think, is a big part of what got me here in the first place.

[quote]What will you do that weekend? Go somewhere else cool, take a spa day, sign up for a meetup, start planning something you really look forward to, because I imagine you'll want to spend the weekend crying in bed...don't let yourself.

No way will I spend the weekend crying in bed! I spent a few weeks just completely upside down, crying, feeling entirely hopeless, barely surviving. I hated it. I decided nobody else was going to save me or peel my pathetic ass off the floor, so I did - and I am not going back to that. If I feel sad, yes, I might cry for a bit, or if I am angry, I will go punch some things, but no way will I sit around feeling sorry for myself all weekend. I've got a long list of things to do for me, my house, etc. And I've got friends to hang out with, classes to take, etc.

Thanks, adinva, you always have some great insight/advice in your posts.