DARK - how do you do it right? I need help BADLY

[S4tk]

Carrying on...I appreciate the support.

BTW - I broke off the interaction I had began the other day with a woman I met.(total of a few hours on the phone, some texts and a 4 hr "date".) It was too much guilt in my heart to go outside the marriage, even if it's a mess and my W says she doesn't care and "expects me too"...I think she does care and I appreciate the responses here to get me thinking straight again.

I gotta think this can only be positive. I have entertained (in my head) the idea of what dating again would be like, but I am resolved that until I am no longer married, which would happen all by W's initiative and with no help from me, that will just be off limits for me.

Otherwise it's one foot in, one foot out. I do want affection in my life, as well as sexual companionship - but not with one foot in, one foot out.

[DTM]

It's tough to feel so neglected when the person you love is right in front of you...it tears you apart. I've been hitting my weights and riding my bike much more than I need too..just to reduce the stress. Spending time with my kids helps a lot too..but in the end when you sleep in a separate bed and all you want is to put your arms around your wife it's brutally hard on your mind and heart.

I'm with you on not helping my W with anything D or S related..she's a big girl with plenty of family and friends...if she wants it bad enough she'll figure it out just fine I'm sure.

Hang in there bro.

[FlyOnTheWall]

I get it, your hurt, the feeling of betrayal is incredible, you want your old life back, and back NOW.

I'm sorry, but your marriage is OVER, DEAD, its not on life support. Theres no going back to your old marriage. IF you want your marriage to survive, its going to be in another form, something new.

Be the man she'd be crazy to leave, right now? your are still the same guy she wants to leave and get away from.

There is a little, almost vindictive tone in some of your writing. I understand your hurt, confused, and lonely. She doesn't care about that right now. Why? Cause your still the same, your pushing your agenda on her, not respecting the space and time she requested from you, why would she come back to that?

Your emotions have taking you over, your not working, your retaliating. Go back and read over some of your posts, you will see that your trying to control the situation in your head. You have no control right now, but you need some, and need it fast.

Of course its tough!!! Can you do it? Can you handle it? Are you willing to put in the work? Look at it this way, your M problems started years ago, not last year, that was the first step in ending it all. Your wife feels like she was putting in all the work, carried the torch, you didn't respond to her needs. She left the marriage. Its your turn to put in all the work, carry the torch for a while. Are you willing?

Its almost like your keeping score, but you forgot about the whole first half of the game (its not a game of course). You throw some effort in and expect her to put some in too. It doesn't work that way.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Dang it, sorry DTM I had two windows open and this response was actually meant for someone else, PLEASE ignore it unless you find some kind of correlation in your stich.

[MrCAS]

I'd love to get some nice divorce lawyer mail sent to the house...although at this point she would probably welcome it instead of worry about it!!!!

You know... that has to be the stupidest, most ignorant posts I have ever read on this board. Seriously? Why would you stoop so low as to play childish games like that?

My father told me a long time ago to never make a threat or issue and ultimatum that you are not prepared to back up. Are you really ready for the fallout that would cause?

I am surprised no one called you out for that. Please, don't come back with some lame excuse that "it was said in fun". It wasn't funny. It is just a true reflection of your mindset as far as I can see. You are still trying to win by any means possible by being the controlling and controlling person you have always been.

Grow the hell up.

[DTM]

I'd love to get some nice divorce lawyer mail sent to the house...although at this point she would probably welcome it instead of worry about it!!!!

You know... that has to be the stupidest, most ignorant posts I have ever read on this board. Seriously? Why would you stoop so low as to play childish games like that?

My father told me a long time ago to never make a threat or issue and ultimatum that you are not prepared to back up. Are you really ready for the fallout that would cause?

I am surprised no one called you out for that. Please, don't come back with some lame excuse that "it was said in fun". It wasn't funny. It is just a true reflection of your mindset as far as I can see. You are still trying to win by any means possible by being the controlling and controlling person you have always been.

Grow the hell up.

Yes, it was me venting and joking, hence the smiley face at the end...I am grown up and hurting and just looking to vent a little frustration...isn't this what journaling is all about? Saying what's on your mind, right wrong or indifferent? The feelings I have are mine, perhaps you don't feel the same way or haven't had the same experience...but it's how I feel.
Am I controlling? Yes, I used to be quite controlling and recognizing that and letting it go isn't exactly something that happens overnight...which is why the words I put on these pages aren't the words or ultimate actions that I display to my W.
After reading the 5LL and other materials I've also recognized that as a kid growing up, my father pretty much ruined it for me ...and now I'm dealing with that and making positive changes.

Like anyone in my situation I would appreciate if you could recognize the pain and depression I have over this - I want nothing more than to be the husband my W desires or I wouldn't be here and would've filed for a D myself when I found out my W had an EA/PA.

[adinva]

While writing honestly, good bad or indifferent, is really important, it also gives a window into your thoughts. And you must discipline your thoughts, over time. To change your feelings you first change what you think about the thing triggering your feelings. So using this place to enjoy (smiley) your secret hidden thoughts of vindictiveness and bitterness is in the long run going to hurt your progress. Be honest but then be willing to look at and adjust for your own personal growth. MrC was trying to HELP you.

[DTM]

I appreciate the comments (both of them) - after getting the bomb dropped and being seemingly unaware of any marital issues prior to that I've gone through hell. I've done a huge amount of reading and listening to advice and to be truthful, I'm scared. I know my W sees my changes so far because she has openly said it..but she also openly states she doesn't love me and has no emotional connection, nor does she want one....do I believe it or go with the advise to believe nothing she says?

I don't want to lose the person I so dearly love and I certainly don't want to be separated in any way shape or form from my children. I want them to continue growing up with both parents in a loving relationship, I want to show both my W and my children how different I am now that I don't have the stress of my previous job (traveling 100% of the time 80+ hrs week)

I see and understand how I got here (my faults) and I also undertand my W's faults although I don't openly discuss them with her..I'm sure she realizes that although she "tried for the last two years" that I wasn't even around the last 3 years due to my crazy travel schedule for work. Her methods for trying weren't actions as Michelle states so it never got my attention. I'm not proud of being where I am but I do feel like I have a small gift of time to try and turn things around. I guess if I had a wish it would be that my W knowing that she finally got the message across LOUD AND CLEAR that I'm actually given a chance to show through my actions that I respect what she needs. The problem is she doesn't want it now because she's checked out.

Like I said earlier - I'm honestly scared of what will happen in January when my W gets state residency....will she file for D, is this what she is silently planning, how will I handle it, will it be (can it be) amicable, how will the kids deal with it..all we worked for dissolved, just bought a new home, do I fight her petition if she files and deny there the marriage is irretrievably broken? So many thoughts to process and it eats me alive because I don't want any of it.

I know I need to work on me and show her someone she would be foolish to leave - I am concentrating on showing her friendship and spending tons of time with my kids (you may recall I have a new job which I work 1/2 month - 180 out from my last job) I don't have expectations but I do have a lot of hope that I can show enough change in myself that it erases her negative perception and lack of trust in me.

My situation is compounded by her EA/PA - I know they say most A's are over in 1 yr but this is also a sexual orientation issue because the EA/PA was with her married girlfriend who she still to this day is in constant contact with...my head is just full of not so positive outlooks.

I'm trying...it's not easy..it [censored].

[adinva]

It definitely does censored. It is so hard. When you're hurt or scared do you mask it with "humor" sometimes? I thought this last post was very honest and sincere.

Do you believe her? Yes. Believe that she doesn't want you and doesn't want to try. That doesn't stop you from believing that her feelings can change, and there lies your hope.

Refusing to believe that she wants out, insisting that your marriage is fixable and she's doing the wrong thing, is going to push her away. It is NOT listening, NOT respecting, NOT understanding her feelings that she is being very clear about. Be willing to let her go, because it is the only way she can get enough space to make her own decision to come back. She's NOT EVER going to come back because you insisted.

Your changes are good. Try to relax, I know it is hard, try to lose the fear. The best thing that can come out of DBing is the strength of conviction that you will be OK no matter what. Fear is not attractive, and it doesn't lead to good decisions.

It sounds like you have made good changes. Relinquish any sense that you might control or influence your W, and let what happens happen. Your job is to work on you.

I do not think fighting her petition will score you any points.

Your positive outlook is that you woke up while you still had a chance to be a present dad for your kids. Your life will be better forevermore because your W bombed you. You may not like where your marriage ends up, but you can like where your life ends up...and ironically that's the only way you'll look appealing to return to.

[DTM]

Do you believe her? Yes. Believe that she doesn't want you and doesn't want to try. That doesn't stop you from believing that her feelings can change, and there lies your hope.

Refusing to believe that she wants out, insisting that your marriage is fixable and she's doing the wrong thing, is going to push her away. It is NOT listening, NOT respecting, NOT understanding her feelings that she is being very clear about. Be willing to let her go, because it is the only way she can get enough space to make her own decision to come back. She's NOT EVER going to come back because you insisted.

Why can't I get this simple message? I've heard it and read it numerous times and each time I tell myself "this is what must be done" and I ultimately screw it up shortly thereafter with something I shouldn't have said or done! I can do it, I know I'm stronger than what I'm showing!