H has added roulette to his casino adventures. And he is talking to local people about a pizza place. Item of interest. H was talking to some acquaintances about working out in the casino gym. But he never described it that way to them, he just said he was "out of town" at a hotel one weekend. Idk what if anything this evasion means, just a thing that makes me go "hmmm".
I have the feeling H is "trying". Nothing has been said, and no earth shattering changes have been made.
But I have the feeling that it doesn't matter to me. It is only a surface change - to me he is still a leopard even if he wears a tiger suit. This mindset makes me ponder myself, my morals, my expectations, my limits.
S20 is now dying of a blood clot. And possibly gangrene. This last bit was suggested to him by H when S20 was moaning over a skinned knee. H dismisses S20's anxieties and following the role-model-of-the-day Richie Incognito is attempting to "toughen up" S20. (And the spots are revealed...)
D19 has moved out. Well, she kind of snuck out. Very strange. She told me she was "staying with a friend" but really she had found an apartment - she told me this after a couple days. I'm not sure why she went about it this way. But she has a little one bedroom apartment, a fluffy kitten, and soon, the return of her 32 year old ex-con boyfriend. I think this must really be bothering me on a deep level because I've had a couple nightmares about it. The boyfriend was indirectly involved in a girl's death about 8 years ago. He was not convicted for that, but was for drugs. Now he's serving an OVI sentence and is to be released Wednesday. D19 has stars in her eyes for this guy. I have never seen her act this way over anybody else before. Sigh. I hope he's not violent, that is my biggest fear.
Ss17 are bouncing merrily along. Thank goodness for that lol.
I am mulling, pondering, waiting and watching. Really trying to narrow my focus to the here and now. And am feeling a lot of anger, a lot of hate for H. Maybe for me too? A difference (thanks to DB and the fantastic folks on the boards) is that I'm not ignoring this feeling. I acknowledge it, I own it. It is just a feeling, and I know feelings are temporary, so I am waiting for it to pass. And while I wait I watch the scales, weigh out the good and the bad, take some I once thought was one or the other and place it on the opposite scale.
The waters are dark, swirling and foamy here lol. Sailors advisory in effect.
And now its time for fastfoodland job.
Peace to all! Take care!
~~Jaye~~
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
The waters are dark, swirling and foamy here lol. Sailors advisory in effect.