After doing a lot of reading and a lot of learning I have come to this conclusion. All that has happened I deserve (except the going to jail and restraining order) But yes, if she leaves for this OM it is all my fault. I do not deserve forgiveness for what I did. No matter if I am sorry for my mistakes she has the right to move on with her life.
I have to come to grips with reality and let her go. It is the risk when in the stupid fog one decides to cheat. In my case was multiple times, even though not physical it was still cheating.
Now I feel compelled to talk to my friends that might be in similar situations and help them as I have learned a lot from my experience.
No one ever deserves to be lied to betrayed or cheated on. It is the most painful thing a person can experience in a relationship and forgiveness, although possible is a long and rocky journey. One day perhaps my W soon to be Ex-W can reconcile to a friendlier state for our DD4 sake.
I have filled for D, but she is not filling the required paperwork and am waiting now as she will have to be served. I'm doing it as I realize she is in a relationship and it is over for us. I still love her, but she obviously has no intention on ending her R with OM. She not talking about D or delaying does not mean she wants to reconcile with me. It only means she is not in a hurry to D as she is not marrying again for a while. To her our M is just a paper and it does not hinder her ability to date or be happy at the moment.
I learned, that I'm not the victim here. I learned that there is not excuse for me ever cheating on her. I'm not justifying her actions either. She shouldn't have had a revenge A, but she will have to deal with her own demons and mistakes. I will deal with mine.
I learned that although she was not fulfilling my needs I wasn't fulfilling her either. The basic affection need of a woman must be met and I failed to fulfill that. How then could I expect her to do the things I want. I was selfish.
Also, I have done a 180 in regards to my own person when it pertains to R. So if with her, she will get a better H, but is this is over, whoever I finally find will be with a much better man.
I have always been a good father and she knows. I'm just concentrating on my DD. Going out with her on the weekends and enjoying life with my little one. I know she notices. She has been insisting I drop her off on Sundays and I prefer to drop her off in school Monday because I don't want to see my W. NC is for me a time to heal and let my W go. She made a decision of the OM over me. Whether the right choice or not it is her decision and I have to respect it. I have no say in her decision.
Of course the man is a cheater and abused his ex, but that is not my concerns as long as it does not start being a problem that will affect out DD4. At least for now she is not bringing the man to our DD
What are you doing to be sure you won't cheat in the future? It is easier to say you've woken up and to think you're different, but in my experience it takes a lot of practice to solidify learning and make it a part of who I am now. I'm often finding myself slipping into ways I was pretty sure I had changed.
So what are your concrete actions? Have you explored what about you caused you to stray? Have you worked to change your thought patterns in relationships with women?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes, I understand what you mean. I never cheated before. So I know it is not a situation where I just have no concern for my spouse. What I can do is identify those causes that made me cheat and I have, for the most part. My needs were not being met. No problem, but at least now I know what those needs are and I can address that with my significant other in the future.
I also had self esteem issues that once I addressed by taking of myself and going to the gym made me turn around, but unfortunately I was over confident and immature. I felt as if I deserved more than my current sitch.
Most of all I strayed from my faith and G-d This the main cause. When one loses their core values and faith there is not much left. One starts to drift and and make mistakes. Well not mistakes, bad choices based on selfishness.
Most of all, one must care about others and the repercussions of one's action. How one can crush and hurt them in ways that are not easy to fathom.
What are your core values, and can you live by them every day?
It's interesting that you felt you deserved more and so broke your commitments to get, what, an attractive and attentive lover? You might have felt that you deserved more and so committed yourself to being a better partner. I am just thinking out loud because thinking you were getting more you did something destructive to your life, marriage, and self esteem. Why did you value sex more than self respect?
I think living intentionally, knowing and following your values and priorities, healing the old wounds that led to bad choices (is your self esteem better now?), you can't go wrong.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My values for me are based on strong biblical beliefs about what is right and what is wrong. It is not the same for everyone and religion doesn't have to be at the core of anyone's values. For me is the fear of G-d and loving others.
For me it was not about sex as mine were EA's for 3 years. The physical aspect was not fulfilling to me. I wanted a woman that would value me. Would show care and love and not say things to put me down.
I wanted a 180 from my W and never saw it, hence justifying my final action of moving froward with another W and moving out to later have a PA. All WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. I always loved my W and I knew it. whenever she would have sex with me I would just tremble and it made me feel guilty for what I was doing, but she allowed me to eat cake until she was fed up and found herself a man to have an A of her own with.
My self esteem is the same, but a bit bruised do to the fact the she chose him over me. Of course I understand the reasons why, but it still hurts. I know I'm attractive and women notice me. But all that doesn't matter when one is in a healing process. The process should take priority over anything else.
So you went against your core values because something was more important at the time. How will you resolve that? You can't get the world to align properly so that you're happy and don't have to break your core values again. You've got to seek integrity and heal what was broken in you.
I don't know what to say about your marriage. It sounds like you didn't know how to resolve difficulties in your marriage so you looked elsewhere, which does not solve the problem in you, and when your W moved on then you realized your love for her, which completely ignores the problems she had/has that have not been resolved. Wouldn't you both be right back where you started if you were back together?
Why did you choose a W who didn't show care and love and who put you down? (I did the same, and now I know why, and there's a lot of power in counseling to find that stuff out about yourself.)
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
The reason is because there was a perfect storm that lined up and was not prepared to handle it. It would be a shame to go through an experience like this and not learn from it. I believe I have.
I do believe that I have found new knowledge that will help me come with a future storm and although there might be other problems adultery will not be one of them.
My W has her own issues and she has to deal with them on her own. I cannot or will not worry about that. I don't expect her to come back and try to reconcile, so it is not something I'm worried about at the moment. I'm more worried about me and trying to be a better man and a better father. If I do then I will be ready for a new R.
She is tough, but she did care and love me. she didn't show it as often, but I think I didn't either and we fell in the routine of things. she put me down as she was suffering from self esteem issues too. She is a very beautiful woman, but that doesn't matter when you are not feeling good about yourself. The OM came and told her how great she was and she fell for it.
I know because I was addicted to the OW telling me the same. No remember I was not physical, but all that matter is that psychologically I was involved and the effect was the same.
My W and I found each other in a very particular time of our lives and things just happened. Neither of us was actively dating. We just found each other at the right time and things kept moving on from there.
