Where am I at?

[Icecoldw]

Or do you think she is making me think she is doing something to provoke the reaction she wants to justify her leaving. I know back in August, when the whole thing started I got jealous, something I have never really been in our relationship, and it stressed her out because I started to smother her. I think she still knows I am trying to look for something that points to an a.

Maybe I should quit researching mlc and was because they talk about how there is almost always an a. Maybe this whole thing has been influenced by her 2 close gf. It's just when you bring it up people go oh so she's having an a(fun) or she just has to spread her wings and wants to feel sexy to attract men.

My friend also told me that I'm thinking like a man. We always think it's about sex and that women don't think that way that they could take it or leave it. He also told me if a women wanted to have an a that we would never know because they know how to hide it, that we would only find out if they let us. I did make the mistake and told this to my w, maybe she's just playing a big mind game with me?
The couple of people I've told Sade they don't think there's someone else. The one woman said at first that it might have been but now she doesn't think so. I think she might be a was with her h, we've been talking and said she's going to leave and not get a d just to make him change or get mad and file himself.

[FlyOnTheWall]

heres your first lesson that you not only need to learn, you need to live!!

STOP THINKING WHAT SHE THINKS.

You gain NOTHING by doing that, in fact you keep setting yourself back further and further. Instead of 2 steps forward and one back, your three steps backwards.

Write a list of 10 things you want to change about yourself, or can be doing better. I want that to be your only focus for now.
Write 5 things that you can be doing to get yourself out of the house or keeping yourself busy. This list isn't for us to read, but for you to keep in a place at home that you can grab when you start to spin out. When you go off the rails, grab your list and read it over and over till you start to get yourself under control, then pick one of the 5 things to go do.

[planet]

I know how you feel man.

You are underestimating the thought of the WAW being done. She's done. There's nothing you could do to change this at the moment. At first I thought I could do something very early on in my sitch but everything just hits the brick wall.

Protect yourself. Be good to yourself. This is going to be hard but this is your path now.

And no more pressuring from you. Alright?

[Icecoldw]

Thanks, just lost it there for a minute. I think the list will be a good idea. This is why I feel like I'm bi polar at this point in my life. Just not use to dealing with all these emotions.

[hotwheelsaust]

I think we all become bi polar during our sitches. Like planet said, she is done, she will be the only one you can change that to maybe I am done, to I am not done. We cannot. But we can help her change, by being a better person, an improved person.

[PatientMan]

Leave the bottom drawer of your nightstand slightly open and place a neon banana-hammock in there so it's easily visible. Move it slightly once per day.

You keep saying that you want to leave her a note to get things out in the open. Reading through your thread again, it seems pretty clear that things are already out in the open. She acknowledges OM and is planning to move next weekend. What isn't in the open?

And my first paragraph is a joke and not meant as actual advice (just in case, although I do think it would be a funny way to address the situation).

-PM

[Icecoldw]

Today's a new day, just read my whole thread again, wow I have a lot of pent up anger and resentment. I never thought I was that controlling but I guess I am . I feel embarrassed about how I've been acting and writing on th ebb, I'm coming across very inmature. Fly you have given me some very good advice, it's time to start acting on that advice.

[sandi2]

Yes, I think we were posting at the same time.  
 
I am glad you were able to get the note back.  FWIW, I sure understand how you want to talk to her (verbally or written), but it doesn't work on a S who is not in the right place to hear you.  Just as some W's may try to talk to the H b/c she's not happy....and it doesn't seem to do much good.  He has to wake up and "want" to hear it.  She will have to wake up and want to hear what you tell her.  If you tell her now, it will fall on deaf ears....and possibly make her angry too.  Even though it seems very logical to tell her those things, she is not in a logical mindset.  Just like you, her emotions are leading her actions.  So what usually happens is...it backfires.
 

I was wanting to let her know some of the things I have realized over the past several months.

 
I hope you will have the opportunity to show her by living that new found information every day from this point forward.  As you read these words, your emotions will want to reject everything I've just said....b/c you are scared and panicking.  Your old behaviors are screaming out and telling you to STOP HER BEFORE SHE GETS AWAY and to FIX THIS RIGHT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.   (BTW, if she does leave, it doesn’t mean it’s too late.)
 
She has things she has to figure out.  Every time you try to do something to fix the problem, she feels like she has to make a decision.  That is only one reason the LBH should not try to talk his way into a better MR.  It simply pushes her further away.  The time will come to talk, but it’s not right now.  To her, talk is probably pretty cheap, IDK.  You are like a drowning man who is screaming out a bunch of promises if God will let you live.  She will turn her head away.  However, if you start to swim, then she will probably look back.
 
You can’t fix her….and neither can you stop her from walking out of your life.  You just have to become a man who can attract her back into his life.  I know, everyone will tell you to do it for yourself and not her….but your motivation right now is in what will cause her to want to stay in the M.  So I’m telling you.  She has to see herself being happier with you than without you.  The older or wiser a woman is, the less she is usually persuaded by promises (words) alone.  
 
Do you remember reading in DR where Michele said she may not be able to tell everyone what works to save their marriages, but she could tell what doesn’t work?  Well, that’s the way it is on the board.  I suppose a newcomer could feel they do nothing right b/c people are quick to point out what they do wrong.   But try to see it as leaning new information.

Your W needs to feel free. If you try to "make" her stay for ANY reason.....she will feel trapped. You can't use her wedding vows, children, religion, or any other emotional leverage to keep her in the M. The LBS wants to "remind" the WAS of a lot of things, but the problem has nothing to do with the WAS forgetting those areas. The problem is the WAS having emotional or physical needs that have not been met by the LBS. For some WAW's, it s as if she steps over into something similar to the Twlight Zone and nothing seems to affect her the same as it once had.

I maintain the belief that the WAW has to experience some type of loss......due to her walk away actions. Something that hits her hard enough it begins to shake her out of her twightlight state. However, I have never read or personally known where the WAW wakes up by receiving a letter from her LBH'S or hearing him give another talk about their relationship.

In your frame of mind, you are wondering how she will know (especially the part of how you feel, what you've learned, and what you are willing/not willing to do), but it is not the magic key that opens her heart and reaches her senses.

She has to feel that she is free to leave. However, IMO, a WAW should not be given assurance that her H will wait for her with open arms. I do not think she should be given a hall pass to leave the M to go out to "find herself", kick up her heels, or for OP......with a picture in her head of her pitiful LBH living for the day she decides to waltz back into the door of their home, and think things will just pick up as if nothing ever happened. But I don't want you to take what I say about this and run with it b/c you need to learn more on the subject.

Well, this post is too much at one time, so I will stop for now and send another one as soon as I can.

[KdogGS]

Great post Sandi, thanks for you perspective, it helps in my sitch too.

[Icecoldw]

Thanks sandi, I really needed to read that, it makes a lot of sense. I keep thinking if I say the right thing it will get through to her and you are right, if she is not in the right frame of mind she will not hear. The thing is I asked what I haven't done in the past and she said express my feelings, so I thought by writing a heart felt letter I was doing a 180.

We've talked a little today and next Sunday looks like it will be her last night, it's kind of a relief because I am not left wondering when is she leaving. She also brought up that if see leaves will I file abandonment and I said I had no intention. Reminded her that our original plan was to try a temporary separation, not jump right into d, I guess her friends have been telling her that I would try so that is why she was going to rush into filing. Mentioned to her that I don't want either one of us to rush to a decision based on emotion because we might regret it later.

I read somewhere that by letting her go that she will not be getting the needs that I am filling now. It was referring if there is om in the pic that he is filling some needs that I'm not and I'm filling the other, that is one reason they sit on the fence and can't decide, but by letting her go the needs I was feeling no longer get met.
Makes since to me because then she really does have to make a decision.

When she leaves I will need some guidance on how to let her know that I'm not plan b and that I might not take her back but I don't want to force her into a d, she can be strong-willed I can see how that can be a very fine line.

I have to work on my pride and ego, I think that is one of my big hang ups right now and with letting her make her own mistakes.