Intro - hoping for support/advice on DBing

[melissag]

Thanks, PM. One clarification - I wasn't saying H isn't capable of taking the kids for three nights on his own (though the old me would have said that); just that I am not sure how the kids will do on a trip without me for that long.

OK. I won't pick this battle.

I can see that I have a lot of work to do in this realm - I am at a point where at least I am beginning to recognize the selfish and controlling thoughts, and I am able to act in a non-selfish/controlling manner - but I still have these thoughts. That's where my mind goes a lot of the time, and I have to redirect.

I am still working on the idea of pushing down all my needs/emotions for now. I mean, I am doing it, but it is very difficult. I guess now I know what H feels like, feeling like his needs were not met during the M, yet he was always trying to make me happy.

This whole self-discovery thing can be pretty painful - not always a pretty sight in that mirror.

[adinva]

I see the fine point of your clarification, but really it's another way of casting doubt on his ability to, what exactly? Keep them ok? Keep them from getting cranky? Keep them alive? If I were in your shoes I'd be thinking that telling him he can only have two days might protect him from overextending himself and getting frustrated or not having a good time with them because that third day away from you was just too much. Let him be. You figured out parenthood, he will too. He may not handle it the same or as well as you think you do, but it is more important for dad to feel confident taking his kids for three days on his own than it is for your kids to not be cranky one day. He'll do fine.

Or, he'll decide he'd rather not take them out of school for that extra day, but let that be his decision, not yours.

It was sounding for a minute like your cool city experience with them was more important than school, but H's would not be. Really?

You are doing amazingly well for so new in your sitch. Keep growing.

[melissag]

I see the fine point of your clarification, but really it's another way of casting doubt on his ability to, what exactly?

No, it has nothing to do with him. It has to do with the kids. They are used to me being around 24/7. Maybe I am just trying to make myself feel important - it is kind of hard to think that after 9 years of dedicating myself to being a SAHM, I am actually unnecessary.

It was sounding for a minute like your cool city experience with them was more important than school, but H's would not be. Really?

Yep. He won't be with them anyway. He won't have the cool city experience with them. He will go play golf.

Or, he'll decide he'd rather not take them out of school for that extra day, but let that be his decision, not yours.

Why? I mean, I am all about DBing and GALing and 180ing and giving him his space and putting his needs before mine, but now I have no say in our children's lives? It is one thing to not have input in small daily decisions, and I am fine with that, but actually taking a kid out of school is a big deal at our school, and a decision that H and I have always taken seriously and discussed thoroughly before pulling the trigger.

You are doing amazingly well for so new in your sitch. Keep growing.

Thanks, adniva. I go between thinking that I am doing really well and thinking that I am a whiny brat and I am handling this terribly. I am probably both.

[Mimi00]

I already made the mistake of telling my parents too much (at the beginning). I have had to tell them to back off and not say a bad word about H to me (they loved him until the minute they saw me upset) . . . my Mom even ripped off a nasty email to him (oyyyy!). I think they are calmed down a bit now, but there is work to be done there - I just can't deal with it right now, because I have bigger fish to fry.

I can totally relate here... i wish I had never told my parents anything

You are doing so well and you have great people in your thread giving you awesome advice. Keep up all the great work!

[peaceSJ]

Hi Melissa, when I read your 1st post, it seems I read my own story. But you handled your situation much better I did.
I'll hang on here...

[PatientMan]

I am still working on the idea of pushing down all my needs/emotions for now. I mean, I am doing it, but it is very difficult.

In return I would like to clarify that it isn't a good idea to push down all of your needs and emotions. That isn't DB'ing or healthy, if you ask me. You aren't to show your H your emotions, but you certainly need to deal with them and feel your way through them.

Why? I mean, I am all about DBing and GALing and 180ing and giving him his space and putting his needs before mine, but now I have no say in our children's lives? It is one thing to not have input in small daily decisions, and I am fine with that, but actually taking a kid out of school is a big deal at our school, and a decision that H and I have always taken seriously and discussed thoroughly before pulling the trigger.

I am not pretending to speak for adinva, but my own thought is that if you both already agreed that it's fine for your children to miss a day of school for this event, then that wouldn't change because the status of your attendance changes.

-PM

[Junsui]

Issues throughout our marriage turned into vicious circle - he said I was too critical and (once having kids) not enough intimacy. I felt insecure in the relationship and he would not give me reassurances since he was feeling badly about the way I treated him. I felt too vulnerable to give him what he wanted. You see how this goes. In retrospect, we just handled everything all wrong.

With the exception of kids, this sounds a lot like my situation. I've also described mine as a vicious circle, and my H also feels I'm too critical.

Most of my friends/family and everyone else I talk to have good intentions but tell me he's a jerk, move on, kick him out of the house, lawyer up, he's evil, etc. It hurts a lot and I really hate all the negativity. I find that when I try to just "accept it and get over it," that means i lie on the floor feeling depressed and hopeless.

Again, this is what I'm getting from family and friends so I really empathize.

I have seen therapists, lawyers, etc. Read up online and in books. And you know what I've decided? Divorce is just plain STUPID. It's so stupid that we are going to have to split up all the parenting stuff, and all of our things, and all of our finances, etc. It's stupid that we get along great, have a great time together and a happy little family, and he wants a D. It's obvious to me that our problems are totally solvable; but he doesn't see that at all. He feels they are completely unresolvable. He also somehow thinks that he has "done everything" to make this work . . . not sure how that can be true when he decided on his own to D and sticks to it even though I want to work on things. ???

Sounds like me! Except I'm starting to lose hope... it's been three days since I tried to start my own thread, but so far I'm still waiting for it to be approved. Like you said, it's really hard to do this with no support. I've seen you posting in other threads though, and it seems like you're a quick learner!

[Junsui]

I am not pretending to speak for adinva, but my own thought is that if you both already agreed that it's fine for your children to miss a day of school for this event, then that wouldn't change because the status of your attendance changes.

-PM

As I said before, I don't have kids yet, so feel free to ignore me on this, but I think PM has the right idea here as far as DBing is concerned. Unless there's concern for the kids' safety, it's probably okay to just let this one go.

[melissag]

Thanks, PM - yes, I should have been more clear. I am working through my emotions on my own, with IC, and talking to friends. It might seem like no big deal to not share them with H, but it's really pretty damn difficult, as he is my best friend and the one I want to talk to when something is wrong. Also, I feel that there is no room in our R right now for my needs or emotions, because right now I am focusing so much on him, and that is difficult. Those are the emotions I have been pushing down.

OK, that's true - if we had already decided to take the kids out of school, I suppose there is no reason to change that just because I am no longer going. I think it's just going to take me a little while to get over this - I am still feeling very annoyed/jealous about the fact that H and kids will go on our family trip (that I planned) without me. I am trying to have a good PMA about it but I think it is going to take some time.

[adinva]

Of course it is melissa. You've been writing here in a way that sounds miles part where most people would be one month post bomb. You've got it, intellectually, but that doesn't make the feelings go away. You have to feel them and find non-H outlets for them to work them out of your system.

I would be SO p.o.'d about not getting to go to the wedding, feeling excluded, not getting to be the main caretaker of my kids for even one second, not getting to make some memories with them. It is awkward having family events when you're not sure your standing in the family, and painful to figure this stuff out. It is crushing. So what do you do when you're crushed...make a new list.

It sounds like your reliance on H as your venting spot for dealing with your emotions was damaging to your relationship. You sound resentful now, as if it's partially his fault for no longer being that receptacle, as if it's his rightful place and now you're having to stuff these feelings that you want to share with him. Learn new ways. You can't go back, even if you reconcile, to this because it wasn't healthy for your marriage. It won't be healthy for your future relationships.

You'll have that connection again, where you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings, you will. But you will need to have more outlets and tools to use. Don't resent H for giving you that feedback, consider it a gift of painful insight that will enable you to do better. I got a few of those "gifts" too, lol.

What will you do that weekend? Go somewhere else cool, take a spa day, sign up for a meetup, start planning something you really look forward to, because I imagine you'll want to spend the weekend crying in bed...don't let yourself.