Peace, it's always easier to see someone else's faults. My H left because he was very unhappy with me. Imagine his shock when I got happy and he didn't. Imagine my shock when he said he was jealous of me....
Wait a second, perhaps it wasn't all my fault after all. I went about changing the things in me I didn't like, not the things that my H didn't like.
And I am happy and H is learning to be too.
Your H needs the space to realize it isn't you that is causing his unhappiness. Try becoming happy and good with you. Make a list of all the cool things you are. Blaming someone else is easier than looking inside, so your H is choosing the easy path.
Hi Peace, I just got caught up with your thread. Loving the advice you are getting from Kate! I would love to know the answer to your question, too, though I suspect that it just depends on the people and the situation.
I had been very successful with DBing, 180ing, GALing with H in the weeks before he moved out (yesterday). It freaks me out to make me think he is not there to be DB'd now, but I think that is just the controlling person in me coming out - and that's what got me here in the first place.
I am hoping that with time and space, H will see more clearly, and I hope the same for you! Has he set a move out date yet? It seems like it's been a while since you posted - any update?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Hi Melissa, Thank you for stopping by my thread and your encouraging words. Yes, H will move out next weekend. He brought it up in September but found an apartment in Nov. But he still wants to come back home and spend some time with the kids every day. I don't think his plan will let him feel the consequences of his moving out, and not give me privacy and space either. I told him I don't agree with his plan, but he insisted on it. So I don't know how the things will turn out after he moves out.
I have two kids (5 & 7 yrs old) too. Do you mind sharing your experience about how to deal with the kids? How you and you H timeshare taking care of you kids? How did you explain to them about the crrent situation? I really don't want to hurt my kids. They didn't know anything yet.
Thank you!
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
Well, I'm happy to share, but not sure the way we are handling things would work for everyone. We explained that Mom and Dad are getting separated, that means that we will live in two different places for a little while. When they asked why, we gave a very vague answer, something like, "sometimes when you're married, things can get kind of confusing, and it's good to have some space to figure things out. But you don't have to worry about that stuff, because that's for Mom and Dad to take care of." When DD asked how long is this for, H said, "six months." I know his lease term for his apartment is six months, but I am not really sure why he said that. I don't know if he really thinks he might be back then, or if he just can't handle telling them more, or what. Right now they've got it in their calendars and talk about when Dad is coming back. So maybe not the best ting to say, unless there is some sort of certainty.
So for the time being, H has the kids one night during the week and one night on the weekend (both overnights). However, we do a martial arts class together twice a week, and my DS has basketball games every weekend, which we both go to. Tomorrow night he has the kids and he asked me to come over to his apartment for dinner.
I understand what you are saying about him not feeling the consequences if he is coming over to see the kids all the time, but be careful not to punish him. You want to leave that road home nicely paved for him. Having him over a lot actually gives you more of an opportunity to DB, which is a great thing! I do think there need to be some boundaries - he should probably call before he comes over, for example.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Yes, H will move out next weekend. He brought it up in September but found an apartment in Nov. But he still wants to come back home and spend some time with the kids every day. I don't think his plan will let him feel the consequences of his moving out, and not give me privacy and space either. I told him I don't agree with his plan, but he insisted on it. So I don't know how the things will turn out after he moves out.
Where it comes to the kids, in my opinion, there should be NO consideration of whether it will make H miss you enough. I know that others here disagree on this point. But if you've got a dad who wants to see his kids every day, LUCKY KIDS. Don't use them as a tool to "show him what he's going to miss." YOU are what he will have to miss in order to come back...do you want him back and miserable only because he missed seeing his kids?
However, your needs have to be taken into consideration. How is it that he gets to insist and that's the way it goes? I would suggest that you tell him your concern that it's going to be intrusive to have him in and out every day, and ask for a compromise.
Does his apartment accommodate them? If so, ask if he would be willing to take them THERE, for a longer stretch over fewer days (maybe every other day?), on a regular schedule that you and the kids can become accustomed to. This will enable each of you to make plans with the kids, knowing when YOUR time and when HIS time is, so you're not stuck every afternoon sitting around in case he's coming over. You both will benefit from a predictable schedule. You can both agree to TRY something and revisit it in two weeks to ensure that it's working for all of you.
Try to look at things as positively as you can. If H is taking the kids and doing homework and dinner with them, say, twice a week, that frees you up to GAL. I remember those elementary school afternoons and evenings were very stressful for me day after day...let H take some of the load off you, since he's interested in parenting them.
Groundrules as Melissa suggested are really helpful too. He thinks of your home as his home, and it takes getting used to being separated. My H used to barrel in at any time, with no notice, and expect a welcoming committee. When I asked him to give us some notice so we could plan, it enabled the kids to be in a frame of mind to spend time with him too. I enjoyed not feeling like my home was being invaded. Then there was a while where he'd ring the doorbell 25 times to announce himself, making the dogs go bonkers and annoying the rest of us, so I had to ask him again to modify his approach. You have to ask for what you need.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Mellisa and adina, thank you both for your inputs. you gave me very good points. H is that kind person who does not help a lot with housework and kids' things if both of us are home. H's plan is that the kids stay with me every day but he will pick up them from after school at 6:30pm and bring them back home; then he stay here until they sleep. I feel though he is willing to spend time with them every day, he does not take the full responsibility to kids. While he is here, I still need to cook for him and watch the kids as well. He just stay here and watch his iPad when the kids do their homework. That will be the same what we are doing right now. the only difference is that he will sleep in an apartment and we will not see him in the morning time.
His apartment is not close to our home and school, so it is not convenient for the kids if they sleep there during weekdays, but they may sleep there weekend. In such case, It is no need for H to come home every weekday.
I am planing to talk to him again about this issue today. I will take your advices and try not to push him as well.
Btw, have a nice weekend.
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
You don't still need to cook for him. Explain that on the days he is parenting the kids, you will be getting respite, which a single parent needs, and you will be leaving the house.
That is only workable short-term; he needs to parent the kids outside of your space in a long-term plan that you agree to. If you and he cannot negotiate agreements let him know that a mediator may be needed.
You don't have to argue or feel resentful for what he expects, but you do need to establish what you are will to accept and what you aren't. He fathered two kids, he is responsible for parenting them part of the time, make an agreement that provides for that.
Let him know, if this every day in your house iPad time is already in effect, that it is not a workable long term solution, and ask for a time to meet in private to come up with a fair agreement.
My lawyer and my IC have both seen my H's plan and think it is ridiculous. I will not be signing a separation agreement that ratifies the status quo. But for me, right now, I only get respite when I have a reason to need it and ask H if he's available to "help." And it is not livable. Tell your H that separated parents parent separately, and he is responsible for homework and dinner when he is parenting them. You will be soaking in the tub/taking a night class/jogging.
Be respectful, listen to him, but ask questions too. Ask him if he believes it is fair for you to parent 100% while he is a daily guest in the house, because you feel taken advantage of under that plan. Ask him when (not if) he will begin taking the kids to his place instead of visiting your place.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Now H claimed the below for the reasons why he wants D.
"In our marriage, you are the one that lacks passion, that frustrated me. (admit it or not, that's how i felt). and if I complained this to you before, you'd most likely brush if off like, did you read too much novel? A person does not become passionate after being criticized of being non-passionate. they are who they are. maybe you are passionate but held back, maybe you are not. maybe you didn't think that your husband need it so you don't show it. but where is your own needs? whatever personality you have, we are just two very different type of person. you seem to think of everything as your possessions, and only react on it when you see the danger of losing it. so you love (or show your love) more now than before, to me and to our kids."
I think the main differences of us are that we have different hobbies. He likes to travel, adventure, and photograph much more than me. Actually all our friends think H and I are very same type of person. They always teased us that we fit each other so much like one person.
But I don't know how to response to him. He defends everything what I said now.
Any inputs here? Thank you.
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
