Thanks fly I needed to hear that. It does seem like I base my life reacting to her,look what I have been doing for the past couple of months, reacting to her, put her first.
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
Ice.. Your feeling can get validated here in this forum. And you can meet other people and get your feelings validated by them. You can join a meetup for people in the same situation as you. You need to find your happiness other places. This is part of GAL. If you do those things then it will be a bit easier to be superman around your w.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Ok, I'm starting to nose dive. Too much time to think when I drive. Turn the radio on or up. Listen to an audio book (Codependent no-more is a good one)
I know I am suppose to validate her feelings and that she has been hurt deeply when do my feelings and pain get validated? Seek out therapy, also people here will help. I can't keep going on like I'm superman and that my feelings don't get hurt because I will go back to like i was and start suppressing them again so I don't have to deal with Right now, you need to show strength and PMA, at least around her and kids. This does not mean superman, this means listen to her, be positive and try not to express your feeling with W right now, later yes this is a must, but now is not the time. Do not suppress your emotions, feelings, they are real and need to be allowed, just try not to do it around her or the kids. Work through your feeling and emotions away from them, yes I know it is hard, I am impulsive myself.
I know I'm supposed to detatch so my feelings don't get hurt but I don't See how you can care and love somebody and no matter what.they do or say you dont get hurt. You are hurting and will get hurt more, this [censored]. Detaching is not about not getting hurt, it is about not getting pulled in. It is not fixing someone, but letting them find their way on their own. It is to protect you and let you breathe and make clearer choices.
It feels like every thing that has hurt her in the past, not just me, she is doing to me. Ex she got dumped on her bday she is leaving me right before mine, she's been cheated on I don't know if she is cheating on me but the signs are there. It's like everything she was afraid I would do to her or that she accused me of doing, she is doing to me. Dont mean to sound like a victim but that is what it seems like almost like she is testing me to see how much I love her,
My W admitted she wanted me to hurt, part of her wanted me to suffer as she had for so long. It isn’t fair or right, but it is how she felt. It isn’t anything you can fix or change, it is part of her journey, focus on yours.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Fly - You are totally right. My advice was not clear. I really was just trying to say that you can move forward with your life and act as if without being a huge jerk towards your spouse. You can lovingly detached.
Ice - This totally [censored]! Unfortunately, your W does not see it right now and may never see how much pain and damage she has done. Come vent here or find a good therapist. Or set aside 10 minutes a day to cry, or yell or hit a punching bag to get it all out. Just make sure that it is not taking over your whole day so that you can work on your PMA. It will slowly start to get better.
Thanks to all that responded it means a lot to me. Never thought about it but my feeling are being validated here, there just not being validated by the one I want.
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
I don't know if I posted this before so I will do it again. Have you noticed that when you are in a routine that you overlook a lot of little things and when that routine is broken up you notice a lot. I have noticed her bottom drawer on her night stand she, how should I say this she keeps her special sleep ware, and been noticing the drawer has been slightly open and the items keep moving. Should I say something it is really bothering me. I don't know if she is taking them to om house or if he is coming here or if she is sexing, I know I should let it go but it is really bothering me. I know a lot of people will tell me she will not tell me the truth, which is ok because when she moves out and I have time to think clearly that could be a deciding factor of if I really want her back.
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
I'm fight the need to wright a letter letting her know that I know something is going on I just don't know what and leave that letter in the drawer so the next time she opens it she will see it. I tired of being made to look like the fool that knows nothing of what is going on, I want this to be out in the open so it takes the excitement away and let her know that when she walks there might not be a second chance.
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
DONT write the letter, and i'll tell you why. Cause your not detached enough to be able to handle those interactions with her. You will come off as weak and confirm another reason she wants to be away from you. No matter how hard you will try, you will NOT say the right things. Your too emotionally caught up in it still.
STOP trying to let her know how YOUR feeling about the sitch. You really need to focus on this being about you and your kids only right now. By letting her know, your truly only trying to provoke a reaction, it will not the be reaction you were hoping for.
You are either going to stop talking about the M in ANY form and let her have her journey, her guilt, her resolve. OR you are going to be talking to an attorney very soon cause she's going to be filing on you.
BTW you will look more like a fool, if she knows you know and your still trying to get her to stay or come back. That makes you look very weak, and that you'd settle for being her 2nd choice. NOT attractive.
Thanks fly you are 100% right! it's just that I'm so damn mad right now. I have done nothing but tried to provide for her and give her every thing I could and this is the thanks I get. I know I'm jumping to conclusions and over reacting but my gut is telling me something is going on. What did I do to be treated like this? I deserve to be treated better? It's almost like she's doing everything she thinks men do to women on me. I don't know if she will ever come out and tell me the truth but if she does and it's what I think, I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive. My friend told me to just to let it go and if she comes back to not ask, I think that's a bunch of crap because there's a big trust issue and the breaking of our wedding vows. If she thinks she doesn't have to tell me or me to ask questions to get it out in the open how do I know she won't do this again if we hit another rough patch in our life. If we get back together I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering if she going to pull this crap again.
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
had to copy and paste this over, cause I accidently posted it in someone else's thread from when the email popped it up....
I get it, your hurt, the feeling of betrayal is incredible, you want your old life back, and back NOW.
I'm sorry, but your marriage is OVER, DEAD, its not on life support. Theres no going back to your old marriage. IF you want your marriage to survive, its going to be in another form, something new.
Be the man she'd be crazy to leave, right now? your are still the same guy she wants to leave and get away from.
There is a little, almost vindictive tone in some of your writing. I understand your hurt, confused, and lonely. She doesn't care about that right now. Why? Cause your still the same, your pushing your agenda on her, not respecting the space and time she requested from you, why would she come back to that?
Your emotions have taking you over, your not working, your retaliating. Go back and read over some of your posts, you will see that your trying to control the situation in your head. You have no control right now, but you need some, and need it fast.
Of course its tough!!! Can you do it? Can you handle it? Are you willing to put in the work? Look at it this way, your M problems started years ago, not last year, that was the first step in ending it all. Your wife feels like she was putting in all the work, carried the torch, you didn't respond to her needs. She left the marriage. Its your turn to put in all the work, carry the torch for a while. Are you willing?
Its almost like your keeping score, but you forgot about the whole first half of the game (its not a game of course). You throw some effort in and expect her to put some in too. It doesn't work that way.
