Divorce Busting Techniques

[melissag]

You are correct re: validating. If you try to explain your side, or tell him why he was wrong in interpreting something, or that he shouldn't feel that way, that's the opposite of validation. You are telling him that his feelings are incorrect/invalid. And, you are ignoring his feelings and telling him your own. What you need to do now is actually listen to him, without judgment. You don't need to agree with him, or be able to understand how that feels to him or why he is looking at the situation a certain way. The point is that he has feelings, and they are valid. And right now, you are putting his feelings and needs above your own. You can yell out those feelings, punch pillows, redline your/his car and strip a few gears (what? me do that? nooooo, I have NO idea why the car came back into the garage smelling like it was on fire) or whatever you need to do to release your feelings - but NOT when he is around. I think I read somewhere on this site a post where the person said you need to take your feelings, put them in a box, tie it up, and put it on the back of a shelf. Another day, you can open it up, but for now, they need to stay in the box when your H is around. (I find that exercise and IC are super helpful to get out those bottled up feelings.)

I think the "same old" and "180" advice is so valuable. Right or wrong, your H has certain expectations (obviously negative) of your behavior . . . so make sure when you are talking, your reaction is NOT what he expects. You want to (without saying it) challenge that negative view of you he has in his head. When you react selflessly, you are taking away his ammo, and he will put down his weapon. Maybe not entirely, or right that minute, but you will see a softening.

Thanks for the shout out, Loualea, that made my day! This site is my lifeline, too! I was on another site for a bit, and it seems that everyone there is more into being angry and bitter - nobody says "you should take a stand for your marriage." They all say, "burn his clothes on the lawn and find someone else." That may work for someone else, but did not feel right to me.