15th Thread to Somewhere Uncertainly

[TSquared2]

Glad I made you laugh Angela, I love making people laugh...

Well, W has been opening up some, she is trying to figure things out, how she got where she did, why, etc.

And aside from my contributions to the M issues, it has absolutely nothing to do with me...lol

She is figuring it out...where it goes? Who knows, still limbo-ing.

Last night I allowed my detachment to go right into my pants, passing "GO" and collecting $200 on the way there....she was so close to being herself, happy, she looked so good to me. Eh, Yoda says always in motion in the force, so since detachment is part of the "all", then it must flow, never steady state. That's just reality...though I gave myself a good talking to, f-bombs and all.

I was chatting with a friend about our sitches, and working through the issues, etc, I was working on myself and put some pieces together in my own mind, here my side of the convo, the interesting (for me) bits:

I think you are afraid of being hurt again, which is understandable, completely understandable. It is f'n hard, taking risk of letting them get close, knowing that they can hurt you again, fly away again, etc.

Here's something that occurred to me a long time ago...

It's always been that way. In reality, it's never been any different.

It'll always be that way too, whether with H, new man, with your kids, friends.

We just had the illusion that it was different, that we were safe. That risk was off.

do you trust your intuition?
do you trust your brain and "piecing together" skills?
do you trust you?

You trust yourself with the kids, and you are emotionally close to them.
You trust yourself with your work, and you have some emotional strings to it.
You trust yourself with your family, and you have emotional closeness with them.
You trust yourself with your friends and such, and you are emotionally close to them.
How is this different?

queue up...."Is that air that you are breathing, here, in this place?" -Morpheus

If I remember, sometime long before BD you picked up that something was "wrong". You knew "something" was up, not sure what, but something.

Your early warning system WAS functional with him. It may not have given you the exact nature of what was wrong. But you knew "something" was up.

It's the same going forward. And with anyone.

You trust YOU first, then others as they earn it, or don't.

"I mean I think he wants me. I think he wants this but why do I go back and hold on to the things like, "he is just using you right now because he doesn't know what he wants"

I DO know this feeling, pretty well...
It's fear.
It's our egos doing their job too well of protecting us.

It might be more productive to work on your fears rather than trying to untangle the mess our spouses have made of our M's, imo, right now.

There is so much we need to let go of, lots of stuff society, upbringing, expectations, programming says we NEED to hang onto.
We are a competitive, combative society...we are programmed to do something, even the score, etc.

For me, the foremost, perhaps ONLY questions worth asking about te R and sitch, are:

-Can I forgive, fully, honestly and completely?
-Can I leave the past where it belongs, in the past?
-Really T2, can you do that?
-Do you WANT to do that?
-Why?

The rest are superfluous.

That's about it...have too much to do this weekend, so I it's GAL and keep the ship and kids (and maybe W) moving forward...