DARK - how do you do it right? I need help BADLY

[DTM]

I appreciate the well spoken reply. It made a lot of sense and you're right, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I find myself always looking for the next way to "fix" it - heck I spoke to her grandmother today (she is going to visit her this weekend)...that was a stupid idea because she divorced her husband after 37 yrs and couldn't be happier (he really did have his issues). The only good thing about it is she's a good woman and she knows how dearly I love her grand-daughter...but ultimately she will only tell my W to do what makes her happy. I also feel I got some confirmation from grandma about my W's plan to file for D once she has residency because she said to me "well it's not over yet, don't you need to wait for residency or something first?"..who knows, mindreading..etc..but she said it not me.

That's not a good example of detaching at all.

Not even recogizing our 14 yr anniversary makes me feel like a guilty, unloving POS. I hate feeling like that and I find myself thinking that what if she expects something (a card, a note, anything) and I do nothing...does it work to my favor or against me?

Leaving on a trip without her or my kids...well I guess I can do that since she found it quite acceptable to head back to NC twice for a week each to see her girl...I just need to man up and do it.

I have taken up some new hobbies..although I am participating in both with my son...which I see as a positive?

I know I can't change what my W feels or how she acts...I am just so in denial that the woman I love and married could turn into this person and say the things she says. I need to ignore it, not believe it and let it go.

I did do something out of the ordinary the other night...I was off and it was 11:30 at night..she was still up, I went to the bedroom, got dressed nice, threw on the cologne and went out..came back a few hours later without saying a word...she knew I was leaving and she never asked anything about it that night or the next day.

I guess I just need to move to more of NC state and just be there for our kids because you're right...there's no mystery about what I'm doing..I always lay it right out in front of her and she knows that I'm here waiting for her...doesn't have the least bit worry that I'll do anything rash....divorce or othewise.

What would be a good way to open up a new mystery novel..I need something that gets me moving in the right direction because I'm in a constant backslide.