THINK LIKE HARE MOVE LIKE A TORTOISE

[MrBond]

"I don't know what good it would do. If he has to go through an affair, or one night stands...whatever,"

Mindreading

"my bringing it to his attention will not allow him to deal with what he has to do, explore."

Controlling

"Also, it will make him more secretive, which ultimately will add to the erection of a wall rather than tear it down with trust."

Mindreading

"What is he going to leave me? He already has. He will go have sex? Probably already has. So why let him know I know? What are the benefits of letting HIM know. For no matter what he says, let's face it, it most likely will be a lie. Another one. Why set him up to lie ?"

Mindreading

"That is just setting up failure, and I really don't want him to project his guilt onto me right now. "

Mindreading and controlling.

[Ambivalent]

Okay Mr. Bond , perhaps I mind read, but the control here is not that I'm trying to control him.

" my bringing it to his attention will not allow him to deal with what he has to do, explore."

This statement is me trying to let go of myself, and my need to know, so he can do what he needs to do. I don't want to hinder him, he is seeking . This is also part of his journey, the seeking and exploring. This is what MWD states and also H'sW
states.

I do not want to be seen by him as wanting him to not have ema's, for obviously I don't . I don't find the behavior acceptable, but have no right to try and tell him not to. He is an adult , a man and he has to decide on his own , especially this early in our separation. Me knowing adds more guilt and places ME in a situation where I have to go back on what I said years ago in a casual conversation... I said it was a deal breaker. It was one of those, what would you do if...conversations , brought on by the public Clinton fiasco .

It is not that I am trying to control him, it is that I am trying to control myself.

" That is just setting up failure, and I really don't want him to project his guilt onto me right now. "

I know he feels guilty, he has said it, and written it many times. He also believes that if he has an affair , that it will destroy our friendship, our relationship. I have this in writing and the day of the bd, he mentioned it. He also discussed this in MC back in the beginning. As for the projecting of the guilt, this came from HW. I'm protecting myself here. He may or may not project the guilt, but I would like to protect myself at this point, until I'm strong enough to deal with a possible outcome.

Right now I whither if his tone gets irritated or angry. It creates fear in me, and I want to correct or please. This isn't healthy for me nor our dynamics.

Thank you Mr. Bond, I am getting the feeling here that you want me to confront. Knowing my feelings and the temporary resolution of which I've made, why do YOU think I should confront?

[Ambivalent]

Today I'm doing better.

I don't know if it the Zoloft, working out or just that I'm calming down. Could be all...wtfk's Ha ha, just thinking I'd never say that, but maybe I'll loosen up. I drink a little now, so WHYYYY not?

Either way, I welcome it.

I am comfortable in my skin today, I am not spinning.

I get to work today. Yay!

And I'm starting to feel, okay.

I'm thinking about what I want and who I am. Where do I see myself in the future, and what I lost about myself.

Right now I want to be alone, and I'm good with this.

It could change, but for today I'm good with it.

Feeling stronger and know I love my daughters and I'll always have that!

I worked hard as a mom , to create memories, loved, taught, modeled, disciplined and had fun. We can now be friends, I don't have to mommy anymore!

Next chapter begins here. Nice day, think I'll preserve some branches for a table arrangement.

I can make what ever I want, cook or not, listen to and watch whatever I desire.

[MrBond]

It's not that I feel that you should confront. It's just that it's the only thing you were fixated on. So rather than it eating you up, maybe you should just ask him about the receipt. It certainly didn't seem to be doing you any good keeping it to yourself.

[Ambivalent]

You are SO right Mr. Bond.

I'm under control now. I got out all my negative thoughts, my obsessing over something I can not win over. Not that I want to win at anything...I mean it does no good. Do I want to be right or do I want a closer R ?

I am too tired to think anymore. And perhaps the more I weight train the more exhausted I'll be, and not be able to think.

I am going to focus on anything but us/him. It does me no good , it actually is harming me. I used to be such a strong , confident , empathetic, loving, and humorous woman. I used to like me.
I have issues and had issues. I worked on them and am working still, but I can't take this perseverating anymore.

If I have to just be alone, and quiet, then this is what I'll do. Trying to fit what he thinks he wants right now is spinning my wheels.
He is unhappy, and nothing will improve that, I've known it all along. It is something I learned from my parent's divorce.

I always knew my issues were mine to work on, and my happiness is mine to celebrate or increase. He hasn't learned this yet.
He's getting closer through his periods of introspection, but if he's horny and needs physical contact, he should have that too. If he's seeking it, it will come, and then he can think about what he wants.

I'm a mommy figure right now, THAT is something I can change. Although, I've been working on that from Summer to now, perhaps there is something I'm missing.

I'm working on loosening up, but one can only go so far. I was not a drinker, now I'm having martinis and wine.

I dressed in my gardening clothes or school clothes ( uniform ) and now, I am back to my stylish self. Feels good.

I always wore makeup and did my hair, that I'm keeping

So , I'm just going to be quiet. If I achieve this.... THAT would be a HUGE change! Ha!

[Ambivalent]

Went to the gymn before work, felt good! Taking a nap before dinner and maybe going to the dance...

Phone is downstairs...that feels good.

[BrightFuture]

Ambiv, I was away from the board for a while and I just got through all your posts for the last week, whew. Since this da#n receipt keeps coming up, here is my version. Could it be that he paid for someone and they returned the money to him later?

[Pudmuddle]

Go Ambiv, Go Ambiv, Go Ambiv! It's ya happyday!

You sound good today. Keep on movin', one thing at a time.

[Ambivalent]

Bright Future
Stopped by your thread, I'm sorry about the Viagra...if you noticed I too came across Viagra in my H's car! He was having difficulty with erectile dysfunction a while back too. In the past year he was diagnosed pre diabetic and low T.

About the receipt
No, not something he would do. But he could have been with a c girl and bought the stuff for role playing? Who knooooows. At this point I could care less.
Hmmm roll playing...

I could do a wig, and dress up too, but he probably thinks I'm too prude for that. He reeeeally doesn't know me...lol

[Ambivalent]

Pudmuddle,

Not really happy but not falling apart anymore!

Funny when trying to nap, I had flashes of when we were dating. For some reason two scenes popped in my mind.

One was when we were in the woods in MD. probably Rock Creek Park...we went into the woods for mischief. While plaaaaying we heard little boys playing war games and shooting at each other.
My H. was so FUNNY! Every time he'd come up he'd jerk his head back and forth like a look out.

The other scenario was after we made love on the secretary's desk at his workplace. When we left as we got into the elevator, his boss and his wife got off! As I lay napping I had this sh!t eating grin on my face, and I even laughed OUT LOUD!

I so would like to seduce him in a bar or something...