Here is something else, rH created this Quick Reference Card, I have found it very helpful. Maybe print this up and keep it in your wallet for quick review often?
WHAT I NEED TO DO: Back off Give tons of space Art of silence Engaged listening Stop trying to control the outcome Don't react poorly Don't try to fix him Validate him Let him find his own solutions Give him time Give him consistency Let go of needing to know why
WHAT I MAY GET: Him come to me on his own Him trust me
ALSO: Don't lose hope Don't think it will be a quick fix Have no expectations Act as if my life is great Act as if he is not coming back Constantly fine tune based on current realities
REMEMBER: NO pressure about OP Maintain emotional control
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Sorry Tsquared, maybe reading too much into my "concerned" statement. I literally asked her if she felt OK, just like I would do a coworker who looks like they are having a sh!tty day or are feeling sick. When she said OK and shrugged, I let it go and left her to it, going into the other room. Last night was very refreshing after the previous night in which I worried a bit about how to set my boundary about the texting in bed.
Thanks for the reference card. After a couple of statements over the last few days, I realize that one thing I must avoid is trying to act parental towards this lost child that my W has become. She definitely doesn't want or need that. Its very hard when someone you love is hurting, but I've gotta find the ability to just let her walk it.
I think my activities of going dim and GALing are really helping me and are sinking in with her a bit. I continue to remove myself from her actions and find my own way in life. I know you guys think I am not ready to jump off the cliff, but I can tell you I am in a very different place than I was 2 months ago. My outlook on this situation, myself, and my children is very different.
I have been rereading all of Cadet's homework and other people's threads. My greatest goal right now is to identify those areas that I've got to fix first in me so that I can move on from this. I am having a great struggle with reconciling detachment and abandonment. I'm getting better. I will reread the info on being "lovingly distant."
Trying to be better today than I was yesterday...
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Thanks for the reference card. After a couple of statements over the last few days, I realize that one thing I must avoid is trying to act parental towards this lost child that my W has become. She definitely doesn't want or need that. Its very hard when someone you love is hurting, but I've gotta find the ability to just let her walk it.
I am guilty of this too. Because I have a teenage son in the house, I found myself comparing S with H and started treating H like my S. Totally not fair to him and disrespectful to him as an adult AND a parent. I've noticed once I have started to treat him like a man and an adult, he is responding quite differently, even to our S, which is the MOST awesome part of this. I want their R to be better than it was. I was treating him like he couldn't handle his own issues, so allow your wife to handle her own issues, it will make a huge difference. And I know you see that already, now apply it!
I like the reference card too T^2. I may post this on my thread as well for a nice reminder.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
OK guys. Nuts and bolts question for everyone today. Trying to protect myself financially. In the past month, I've found out that W has opened up 2 credit cards I didn't know about (1 in my name), fallen 3 months behind on the house payment, received a repossession notice on our van, and let our homeowners insurance lapse. Along with these, I found collection notices for 3 different medical bills. These were all legit, but were very small. One was under $15 for X-ray. W has always just handled bills, her choice.
Question is: How do I lovingly approach taking this over to protect myself without sounding like a parent?
I know it has to be done. I've started grabbing every piece of mail I find and paying it myself, but W beats me home every day to collect it usually.
No surprise here either, but as I left this morning I saw over $150 worth of anti aging face cream newly purchased on her nightstand.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
My two cents here. As far as the credit cards get the .com and sign up for online billing and statements only to your email. Pay the existing balance.
If you don't want her to use them call the credit card company and ask for a warning call when a new purchase over a certain amount is made. SOme let you sign up for that right on line. You get a call or text when the limit is reached.
As far as the house and insurance...you may have to just come out with it to her, this is too important. Most mortgages have the same online sign up to keep up with everything and make payments as well.
I opened a second account only in my name, same bank and allocate $$$ after direct deposits have been made each week. This is extreme, and I was surprised H went for it, but I think he knows deep down I am right. He does at least still trust that in me.
If you have debit cards, turn off overdraft protection so fees don't get accumulated there as well, the bank just won't let the purchase thru.
Good luck! Hope something works.
Dawn
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Do the online thing, and I had to open my own account and direct deposit 70% of my checks in it, and 30% into the joint account (W didn't work at this time). I paid the bills out of my account, and the joint was for food and her "stuff".
I told her what I did, and that when this sitch was resolved, then we could make my account joint with both of us, or if we D, then it wouldn't matter anyway. I told her I had to maintain the bills and finances for the kids and whatever "our" financial security needs to be right now.
I switched all our accounts to online billing, and as most of us here will tell, checked the balances daily...just had to because the spending phase was quite "interesting", and not in a good way, lol.
Hope that helps some, gives you some options to think about.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I don't know what the h$ll is going on now. W hasn't spoken to me basically for 3 days. I guess since I asked her not to text/message in bed at night.
Today, I took S12 to a college football game, then to buy shoes for basketball season. W acted pissed that I was taking him. Said something about taking him herself to get shoes. I told her I would call/text when we were leaving and we could meet her and S10 to do that.
We left the game early because it was a blowout. I tried to call and text W with no response. Finally, got S12 to try and after 3 tries, she finally answered him. She was no longer interested in meeting us and said to get whatever he wanted. I sent her a pic if one pair of shoes he was looking at because they were the same ones I know she had already purchased him for Christmas. No response. During the whole shopping trip, she is texting S12 on and off.
Finally agree to meet W and S10 for supper when we get back to hometown. Throughout the meal, she is cold and distant with me. Every bit of eye contact has an edge to it. Zero interaction with me. Funny thing is, S12's attitude changed completely in her presence. He became a silly attention grabber. He had been a very upbeat, polite kid all day with me and others.
Fast forward to home. Straight back to her room while I watch TV in living room with S12. I fall asleep on the couch and come up to bed around 1am. W is still up, phone in hand. She asks if I'm going to bed and gets up to oh downstairs. *Respecting the boundary. * I get up to go downstairs to get a glass of water and she is sitting oddly next to the table where I keep my phone at night. W immediately says "I'm not looking at your phone." A lie. I get my water and proceed upstairs.
Mistake: I couldn't help myself. I asked if she was OK and if something had happened the last 3 days. I get "I'm done". I ask what that means and why the sudden change to zero communication and I get "I don't want to talk to you. I have nothing to say to you. This isn't about the last 3 days, it's the last 10 years." WTF? I calmly stated that I understood and that she had expressed that already. I assured her that I was trying to clear up why there was zero communication over the last few days. I get "I don't want to fight. I've got nothing to say. I will talk to you tomorrow if you want me to." I left her down there and came to bed.
It's hard to detach from the BS when they are in your face stomping you all the time. Not sure what's going on, but I had a great day with my son. I'll get up in the morning and walk to church with S10 and gave a great day with him. Frustrating. Not sure how to proceed with the financial discussion at this juncture without creating more venom. I'm assuming I'm getting this crap because I went out of my way to do something cool with S12 that didn't involve her and he was really excited about it. Best I can figure. Oh well. More MLC BS. Sad.
One more thought. One if my good friends lost his father last night. W did bring that up to me as we were going into eat tonight. He lives 2 states away and we both saw it on FB this morning. I said I had seen it and that was end of conversation. Maybe that has triggered something in her today. IDK. I just know the last 3 days have been real different. I haven't gotten this type of spew in a while.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Mach-Been reading Breakdown's thread and digesting bit slowly gor the last couple of days. Thanks for the read.
More thoughts: My boundary of asking her to not text in bed while I'm trying to sleep has apparently struck a nerve. I am willing to die on that hill. If she's going to carry on with OM, I don't want it in my face every night while I'm trying to sleep. Looks like she has chosen to leave the MBR and stay on the couch tonight.
I can't even imagine what's going through her head right now. I sit here and type this wondering if she now thinks she must leave, or if she simply is gonna check out even further. It's almost like the teenager who has been grounded and then refuses to speak to parents.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
