Hey Ang, the stuff about not getting your hopes up - they all say that at some point. Dont let it get to you. Believe half of what they say - on a good day. LOL!
Dont hang onto his words or actions.
Just go with it all. Treat him cordially. Live your life.
Yes, I heard the "not getting your hopes up" of course. And my H oft-repeated "too little, too late" as a mantra.
I loved the description of the doctor's appt. The nurse and doctor sounded so positive and helpful!
I, too, asked for an STD check last fall. So embarrassing. H saw it on the insurance bill. He asked me what the result was. That made me wonder even more what he was doing!
IMO, when your H is coming round like wanting to spend time with you and the kids, just don't focus on him. Have your other interests in your life active, and I think just act like he isn't a part of your life. He will join in as he feels comfortable.
Sometimes my H used to ask me about things so intensely that I thought for sure he wanted to do them with me. You have to stop short of inviting your H though, I think. I think I remember my DB coach saying that. I noticed my H started inviting himself as he felt able. Your H knows you still love him. It's not like he wonders if you want him around.
Or actually later on...sometimes I would ask my H if he wanted to join. But I always made it sound like an afterthought. Like "We are doing such-and-such." Oh, and didju wanna join us? (Family activities...not activities with me)
I think the main thing is for him not to feel you are focused on getting him back. My H and I talked a lot about that concept and he was very opposed to feeling like focus was on him. He wanted to come back home out of choice...not obligation!
About the housecleaning....what I would do when I wasn't sure if I was making a change for myself, or for him, is I would ask myself this question: if I was going to be going out dating...would I wear this? Would I want my house to look this way if I was bringing a new man home? Would I act this way if it was a brand new person?
That helped clarify some for me. If it wasn't my H in my life...how would I want ME to be?
I did slip back on a few of my changes when my H moved back home. But we had a lot to go through this year. And now I noticed myself once again moving through on some positive changes...for me. Even with him here. It feels so good.
Keep up the hope, the reading, the work, the prayers, the sanity.
You're doing great!
Hugs, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Good evening, everyone! Hey, Pud. I'm good...thanks for checking on me! I've read some threads here and there today...but didn't want to try to post from my phone...plus, I've had a couple of weird days. Been trying to mentally sort through some stuff.
sayitaintso...I had a really good day, yesterday. Thanks!
uR...thanks for the continued reminder about MLC script. His comment about "not getting my hopes up" was really hurtful, but it's good to realize that a lot of them say that. And, "just go with it" is good advice, too.
I'm working toward better acceptance that this is what my R with H is right now. I can't change it, fix it, etc...so I'm trying to find peace in accepting and moving forward from there.
rH...your advice about how to handle H in regards to inviting him to do stuff, etc. could NOT have been more timely! I'll explain more in an update. But, today, and yesterday, when some of the "weirdness" was going on...I thought of your words..and it helped so much!
Update: I've had a couple of those "weird" days...but what's normal when your H is having a MLC??? Lol!
Thursday evening: Two older sons had football about an hour away. H and I drove separately so he could go straight to work after. He got to games first, and paid my way into the gate. He called to let me know he did this and told me where he was sitting, etc.
Seemed to really reach out. He also called me a couple of times, on the road, to see where I was, etc. and to check on me.
We had light, friendly convo the whole game. We sat with friends of ours (who do know all the crap we're going through) and it was just fun, joking around and watching our kids play. He didn't hug me goodbye, but, otherwise, a pretty good evening.
Friday: I went to watch my sons' march in the band and watch our local football game. H invited himself along...just pretty much acted like it was expected that he was going with me (we've don't ever go to these games so it was "different" that he invited himself to come with me). He kept commenting, though, that I was really quiet and acting strange.
Mostly, I was "in a funky mood" and trying to STFU....to be honest!!! I knew I was in a bad mood...and feeling hormonal so I tried not to talk too much. Lol. I did make a few catty remarks that I felt bad about later.
He made a few remark about needing a blanket because his friend doesn't have one for him to use on the couch. H left at halftime for work....still didn't hug goodbye but was friendly.
I avoided texting him the rest of the night, but he did text to ask the final score, etc. I kept it short and friendly.
Saturday: H didn't how up until 2PM (gets off at 7:30 AM) but says he was hanging with the guys..and watched a game at 11 AM. Who knows? We ended up getting into an angry, ugly argument by text...but I have to say, it was my fault this time. I was still moody and kinda wondering where he was all morning so when he finally texted, I was a B.
He did buy me a coffee pot (I LOVE coffee and I mentioned yesterday that ours broke...so that was sweet of him.)
He got home to get ready for our kid's band concert, and he started joking around with me. The mood lightened a lot and we enjoyed the concert together with all six of us.
When he left for work today, he did hug me goodbye. ______________________________________________________________ So, here's some of the "weird" stuff that freaks me out or make me anxious or makes me wonder:
Today, he said that "it's a milestone...we only have 4 weeks left" referring to our agreement to wait 8 weeks to file for a divorce. It really hurt me because we've been doing okay and it seems NOW like he's just being nice until the time is up and then, he'll be gone. WTH? Ugh.
He brought up the "made up affair" from earlier this week...and said that it really "hurt" his feelings that I would believe that he would actually sleep with another woman. Huh?????? He said, "it's like you don't even know me..."
Well, duh...I FEEL like I don't know him right now.
Then, he kept talking about "Judy"...when the name he gave me was "Jody"...and in typical MLC fashion, he couldn't remember half of what he told me Monday about his so-called "fake" affair.
Some of the time, it seems that he is leaning toward me...and starting to get closer....and then, he brings up our timeline for him leaving and brings up moving his stuff out, etc.
He was talking about needing to find a place to do his laundry, etc. I hate this "him living here, but not living here" thing he's doing.
He also cuddled with me for a little bit before he went to work tonight...he played with my hair, rubbed my back, etc. He was just acting differently than he has in awhile...and frankly, it is freaking me out a little. Lol.
I feel like he's just being nice so he can let me down easy or something.
Thanks for the updates Ang. Sorry H has upset you with his "milestone" comment. uRworthy has told me not to get ahead of myself with worry etc. 4 weeks is a long time, especially in the MLC time warp. Anything can happen in 4 weeks, and H does seem to be leaning closer. Don't worry!
Did you get your test results? I hope you're okay. Funny that your H would get huffy and hurt that you believed him when he told you he had a PA and backed it up with naked photos of himself in bed with some chick. I agree, you do NOT even know him. Who can know a temporarily crazy person?
I have been feeling like you lately too - that my H may just be doing things for me (how nice that your H bought you a coffee pot and cuddled and played with your hair!) so he can let me down easy. Divorce is on both of their minds
Let's just put that right out of OUR minds Angela. I don't know about Texas, but the divorce proceedure takes a year after filing in NY. Let's not even think of that, and enjoy the good times and continue to STFU the rest of the time. It seems to be wotlrking for you!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hey Ang, it seems like you must be doing well, otherwise H wouldn't be being all nicey-nicey at times. There is still much hurt so you are going to react for a bit, but don't beat yourself up over those times. It's so difficult to let go of the hurt.
He doesn't understand why you are behaving so differently, so he does the poor me thing to see if you are still there. Just say I'm sorry you feel that way and STFU<--my new motto.
So I think you must be doing something right! I'm proud of you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Angela, isn’t it something that your H blamed you for reacting to his fake photo and fake affair that he planted. It reminded me of what my H told me last year when we had our 2nd and last R talk. He said that the trust was a big part of the problem in our M. He meant that he didn’t like that I didn’t trust him, because I checked his phone records and confronted him about his female “friends”. Dah… Why did he hide these contacts then? I think it is just the way they are trying to justify their behavior and put the blame on us.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I hope your having a good day