The boundary I set, finally, was firmly stated and was simple. “One day you will figure out that I am not to blame for all of your unhappiness. I do not deserve to be talked to in this manner. When you can speak to me like an adult, I will listen. If you can’t, then don’t speak to me at all.” And then I walked into my room and shut the door.
There were a few days of no speaking whatsoever on my part(yes I had a livein). Then trivial stuff was approached. Eventually more in depth conversations happened.
So while yes I walked away, which Mach said looks vulnerable, the WAY I did it did NOT make me appear vulnerable. I was not angry. I was not sad. I was not yelling. I was calm, firm, and rational. And I backed it up by ignoring attempts to be baited into something. It was only when he approached me in a manner I was willing to accept, did I respond and engage in conversation with him again.
Thanks Cat....
I was thinking about how to answer this....
I do want to add to this from my perspective...
Dealing with a MLCer can be vary quite a bit depending on if it is a Woman in MLC, or a Man in MLC.
I'm not big on percentages, although I would venture that there are a lot more spewers with the Men, then there are with the Women.
Women in MLC tend to not spew as much, although they are capable. Women (from my perspective) tend to be colder, more closed off, yet when the DO strike, they strike hard at the LBS. They know the LBS better than anyone, and know EXACTLY how to strike, and when. They tend to strike with more emotion (which the LBS Male isn't prepared for).
To consider my answer to JFun, you have to consider that I was speaking to him Man to Man with this, from my experience.
I am not going to engage, and I hope not to start some sort of barbaric discussions about Men being cavemen, and all, yet there ARE certain characteristics that have been proven over time that still hold true. In the majority of the homes today, the Male is viewed as the head of household.
And no matter how hard, or how much it is pushed, and no matter how untrue it may be, that is just the way things are still acted out.
So while I understand, that most of you Ladies, and Ladies everywhere are far superior to us guys, you still get a bad rap due to stereotypes, traditions, and old school way of thinking.
Soooo....
Keeping with that, when the LBS guy gets the bomb, it is probably the most emotion that he has exerted within the relationship in YEARS....
THAT....gives the Female MLCer ALL of the power in the relationship. And as most of you have learned ( or should have learned by now). MLC is about power, and control.
The Male MLCer handles that emotion and power through spewing, and belittling (beat them into submission, and another example of how poorly most Men handle raw emotion), whilst the Woman MLCer keeps that power, and uses it only when necessary. If they are live-ins, then the "facade" is very important to them. And they try to show that they are still in the relationship to the average person looking from the outside.
They seem to control more through manipulation, rather than spewing....
So my point is....finally....
That JFun needed to stand up, and remain firm with his boundary to show that he is not the emotional mess that she left quivering in the corner.....
He needed to remove the emotion from the boundary, and take control of the room BEFORE she took it away from him....
It sounds barbaric, that much I am aware of.
Venus and Mars stuff....
And the difference in understanding the dynamics of MLC, and not yet understanding....
