She's gonna make it.....

[cat04]

I decided to bring this to your thread...

Cat04, this really scared me: "My X, was a "serial" MLCer. That is to say, he was snapped out of the first crisis period without ever completing the MLC. When he returned to the tunnel after losing his grandparents, it was done with a vengance." My H did this, was in crisis for 3 years, "snapped out of it" for 5 months, then jumped back in feet first. You say you are not reconciled; did your H ever escape out of MLC?

Rosa,

First I want to say that I haven’t read your threads and I am not totally up to par on your sitch…

Secondly, my answers are not your answers. Please understand that. Every situation is very unique.

I am sorry this scared you. I am not really sure why though and I would like to explore that…

I didn’t know about MLC, QLC during the first crisis period. What I knew was my H hated me and then when I finally let go, he decided to stay. We had quite a few very good years (save one instance) inbetween the bombs. I was simply grateful and happy that we had reconciled.

When it started the second time (07/08), THAT was when I learned about MLC, saw all of the signs (and when I looked back they had been there the first time as well). That was when I learned what I was dealing with. I stood for a very long time and there was for me, a breaking point.

I am the reason that there was no reconciliation this time. I became healthy and happy and as I observed H, I realized that while I still loved him, there were just some things that I couldn’t reconcile within my own mind and heart in a way that would have given a reconciliation a fighting chance. For me to have continued to stand, simply to reconcile the M, would have been unfair to both of us at that point.

Has he escaped the tunnel?

As we maintain a pretty comfortable coparenting relationship/friendship I do get to have communication with him on a semi regular basis. I consider it more “old friends” but not “great friends” now.

It is an interesting question…most days, I want to say as far as he is capable of at this point in time.

I have seen regret, introspection, maturing, and some acceptance. I have also seen times where he has wanted to go back into the tunnel, and I see him fighting to keep that from happening for more than a few days. This is something he has been struggling with on and off for about 16 years now. I have no idea if he will ever dive head first back in or not. No one can really predict that. I hope for his sake that it doesn’t happen.

I hope you asked that more out of curiosity than as a guidemap for something…

"You were hurt, and angry, and although you left the room to regroup, you still walked away from this. That will come across as a weakness in the eyes of a MLCer, and it makes you vulnerable to them.

How was that different, than in the past ??"

This is how I usually handle my H spewing at me, Mach. Validate what he had to say, and then walk away before I cry in front of him. Would it be better to just stand there?

I wanted to respond to this as well.

There came a point with the spew that I had to set a boundary because like you, I usually ended up crying, sometimes in front of him, sometimes in private.

I finally decided that that wasn’t good for me.

The boundary I set, finally, was firmly stated and was simple. “One day you will figure out that I am not to blame for all of your unhappiness. I do not deserve to be talked to in this manner. When you can speak to me like an adult, I will listen. If you can’t, then don’t speak to me at all.” And then I walked into my room and shut the door.

There were a few days of no speaking whatsoever on my part(yes I had a livein). Then trivial stuff was approached. Eventually more in depth conversations happened.

So while yes I walked away, which Mach said looks vulnerable, the WAY I did it did NOT make me appear vulnerable. I was not angry. I was not sad. I was not yelling. I was calm, firm, and rational. And I backed it up by ignoring attempts to be baited into something. It was only when he approached me in a manner I was willing to accept, did I respond and engage in conversation with him again.

It is truly possible to set and enforce boundaries that are good for you without being controlling or a bully.