I'm the same as 3bm - I only initiate if it is about S13 or something really important that H needs to know, otherwise I have let him initiate all contact. Most has been by text, although today he called about something he could have easily texted. We do go days with no contact, but H has lately been contacting me a bit more, as well as coming round to the house more often.
I found it much easier to detach after he moved out. It was really difficult at first, but does get easier.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
theres no straight answer to how often to contact. so dont put too much weight on it, dont get worried about it.
part of the problem is that sometimes they dont know themselves. what is not enough one day will be too much the next. its fickle.
you will need to just learn as you go. try less contact, and see what it gets you, then slowly increment and pay attention to his responses and try to find the right amount.
in the beginning keep it about the kids, and let him lead. if he offers more, then take it.
just always keep in mind that he may also be confused.
sometimes you have to let him miss you.
in all of this, the only control you have is over yourself and your own actions. do the best you can for yourself, and accept how he responds. it may or may not be how you would like, but you'll end up a better stronger person.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
OK, I'll just try to tread lightly, and then try little things and see what the response is. I think at this point there is some room for error - my main goal is to make sure that I don't break down or freak out in front of H. I think that will be easier now that I have some space, because when he was here all the time, I didn't have as much opportunity to get out all those bottled up emotions.
I just struggle with the contradiction of needing space and wanting more affection. I did tell him the other night that I am really trying to respect his need for space and offer that to him, so I don't want him to take that as lack of interest, and that I would be sort of following his lead during this time. So hopefully he will get that.
On another note, his sister and stepmother are texting me saying they want to talk, they care about me, how am I, yadda yadda. His sister I am close with, but obviously am not going to talk with her about any of this, because her "allegiance" is with H. My stepmother in law I am not close with - we get along fine, but she is probably just being nosy, so I am going to blow her off.
But, what to say to the sister, who will most likely be relaying any interesting info to H? Do I say I don't want to talk about it, or say "thanks for checking in, we are doing fine"? Not sure what to say to people who we both know, and I know will blab to H.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
On another note, his sister and stepmother are texting me saying they want to talk, they care about me, how am I, yadda yadda. His sister I am close with, but obviously am not going to talk with her about any of this, because her "allegiance" is with H. My stepmother in law I am not close with - we get along fine, but she is probably just being nosy, so I am going to blow her off.
But, what to say to the sister, who will most likely berelaying any interesting info to H? Do I say I don't want to talk about it, or say "thanks for checking in, we are doing fine"? Not sure what to say to people who we both know, and I know will blab to H.
You're right about where her allegiance is going to be. You'd probably better saying that you're not ready to talk about it yet, rather than not wanting to talk about it. Definitely don't say anything that you wouldn't want getting back to your H. The same goes for any mutual friends you may have.
In fact, you may want to limit what you tell your own family as well - it could cause problems when/if you reconcile with your H.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
I agree with NQ. Try and limit what you say to your family and his family. Although they have really good intentions, I have found that their advice is completely against DBing.
I am really close to my H's sister. She truly is the sister that I never had. I was there for her through infertility and we were pregnant at the same time last year. We pretty much talked everyday. I still talk to her more than H talks to her. However, we make it a point to talk about everything else besides my H and our M. I have gone out to eat with her and we even went to the movies a couple of weeks ago. We talk about our kids and work and mutual friends. There is a white elephant in the room, but we are both ok ignoring it for now.
Since H refuses to talk with her about our sitch, she does ask every once in a while how things are and where H is. I never bring it up. But if she does, I dont bash H or talk about my sadness or our M. I just tell her that I am doing well and have been busy (talk about stuff I have done with the kids, or yoga, or signing up for the 5K or visits with friends). I figured that if H ever asked his sister for info on me, I really only want her to have positive stories of me to share with H.
I just struggle with the contradiction of needing space and wanting more affection. I did tell him the other night that I am really trying to respect his need for space and offer that to him, so I don't want him to take that as lack of interest, and that I would be sort of following his lead during this time.
Good. You've said it, now do it. If you are giving him his space, then you should keep contact to a minimum, which means only contacting him out of absolute necessity (finances, kids, etc.), and also includes NOT making up reasons that fit into "necessity" categories so you can contact him.
If he contacts you, follow the "rules". A lot of answers to your questions are in there.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
i agree with everyone else, dont talk about him to his family. they'll only resent you and it will get back to him.
you can talk about yourself, but keep it positive. dont give them anything to bring back to him. do not say "its my fault, i did this and this" because if he's ever in the mood and needs something against you he will use it.
theres nothing that says you cant stay friendly with his family, but never expect them to take your side.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Thanks, guys. My plan if/when anyone asks me about this (other than the few good friends who are my rock!) is to say I'd rather not discuss. Or, "that's between me and H" or something like that. I am still working on what exactly to say that doesn't sound rude. I am sure his sister and I can talk about other things like we always have.
I already made the mistake of telling my parents too much (at the beginning). I have had to tell them to back off and not say a bad word about H to me (they loved him until the minute they saw me upset) . . . my Mom even ripped off a nasty email to him (oyyyy!). I think they are calmed down a bit now, but there is work to be done there - I just can't deal with it right now, because I have bigger fish to fry. For now I am just going to make sure they aren't in the same place at the same time.
OK, PM, your post was exactly what I needed - you're right, I said it. Now I have to do it. Got it.
Would love some feedback on a situation that I know is coming up. I am trying really hard not to be selfish, petty or controlling, but I am not always 100% at detecting when my thoughts are those things (I'm still upset he took the nice dishes!) - so please help me out here.
H's brother is getting married in a few weeks. The wedding is on a Saturday afternoon. There is of course a rehearsal dinner on Friday night. We were obviously all planning to go - the trip has been all arranged and paid for for months. H has mentioned once that it is important to him to still bring the kids. OK, I get that. Yes. Here are my issues: (aka here I go being selfish and petty)
(1) We were planning to go Friday - Sunday. A few weeks before BD, I changed it to Thursday (the kids will miss a day of school) because I thought it would be fun for H to have more time with his siblings and there were some fun touristy things I wanted to do with the kids (with H, or without, if he had other plans) in the city where the wedding is. Well, now that I am not going, no, I do not want them to miss another day of school. It was fine in my head to do that for a family trip, but it's not that now. (There will still be time to spend with H's family - what I meant was, we were making it into a trip for our little family as well.)
(2) I don't want him to take the kids for three nights. That is going to be hard on me, and probably on them. I have taken the kids on trips before solo, but H never has.
(3) Let's just get real here - I am just plain jealous that I don't get to go on this trip! I planned it, I was excited for it, and now I guess H gets to enjoy it with the kids and without me. H doesn't even like to travel, really - I'm the one who gets all excited about trips.
OK, as I am writing, I think I know I need to just let him take them and take them for all three nights, and just work out my petty, selfish thoughts on my own. I was considering agreeing that he can take them, but make it only two nights - or is that just me being controlling and bitchy?
Go ahead and tell the truth, I can take it.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
(1) We were planning to go Friday - Sunday. A few weeks before BD, I changed it to Thursday (the kids will miss a day of school) because I thought it would be fun for H to have more time with his siblings and there were some fun touristy things I wanted to do with the kids (with H, or without, if he had other plans) in the city where the wedding is. Well, now that I am not going, no, I do not want them to miss another day of school. It was fine in my head to do that for a family trip, but it's not that now. (There will still be time to spend with H's family - what I meant was, we were making it into a trip for our little family as well.) Your H and his children are a little family too.
(2) I don't want him to take the kids for three nights. That is going to be hard on me, and probably on them. I have taken the kids on trips before solo, but H never has. Let him learn. You aren't his mommy, telling him what he can and can't handle.
(3) Let's just get real here - I am just plain jealous that I don't get to go on this trip! I planned it, I was excited for it, and now I guess H gets to enjoy it with the kids and without me. H doesn't even like to travel, really - I'm the one who gets all excited about trips.
OK, as I am writing, I think I know I need to just let him take them and take them for all three nights, and just work out my petty, selfish thoughts on my own. I was considering agreeing that he can take them, but make it only two nights - or is that just me being controlling and bitchy?
Go ahead and tell the truth, I can take it. You already know the answer.
Let him take them all three nights if he wants them. You're better than being petty and jealous, selfish and controlling, picking fights unnecessarily. Does that describe the version of you that you want to be?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
