THINK LIKE HARE MOVE LIKE A TORTOISE

[Ambivalent]

Don't put this off just because "I can't handle it."

I don't know what good it would do. If he has to go through an affair, or one night stands...whatever, my bringing it to his attention will not allow him to deal with what he has to do, explore.

It just makes the holidays more awkward, and doesn't bring us closer together.

I will ask my therapist her thoughts as well. I will just try and detach and let him play. He left so he could play, see what's out there, try to figure out his "cloud" of jumbled up feelings.

Also, it will make him more secretive, which ultimately will add to the erection of a wall rather than tear it down with trust.

I have to let this go. I'm kind of just dealing right now, starting to feel sort of numb. Maybe that's because I just kept thinking , what is the worst that can happen?

What is he going to leave me? He already has. He will go have sex? Probably already has. So why let him know I know? What are the benefits of letting HIM know. For no matter what he says, let's face it, it most likely will be a lie. Another one. Why set him up to lie ?

That is just setting up failure, and I really don't want him to project his guilt onto me right now.

I do need to toughen up. I stood my ground with the back door. I didn't fall apart when he was revealing his " lack of desire " for me.

I actually let him know I wasn't his mom nor therapist. That he'd figure it out. That I had confidence in him, his intelligence.

Yeah it would be nice to be a fly on the wall of the condo. He does give himself away, for so far everything he has volunteered has been him convincing himself out loud.

Starting to pick up on his patterns. Or for those of you who play poker his "tells". I'm going to read more of the Hero's Spouse.

She has a soothing tone in her writing, sometimes she gets a little too creative, but she is helping.

If I can approach this more cognitively rather than emotionally, I may make it through . I had to do that with my first born. With all of her issues, I had to step back and let her fail, I could watch but she had to learn everything the hard way. Reading up on all of her issues kept me from ripping her face off, and gave me the information to feel empathy.

It was ten years of spewing, tantrums, dishonesty, mental chess, and rejection. Of course it helped that I had my H. there to love me or pick up some of the slack.

I want to trust in the process, I want to keep my dignity and self-respect. I hope nothing gets thrown in my face, for that is going to be something that I do not know if I would/could tolerate.

But for this moment , right now, I am going to be still