Another day, Another Opportunity

[JayMan]

@NMM - I talked to a lady last night - H left her and he moved in with another woman. She didn't know about DB/DR, but she did a lot of what it suggested. Left him alone, moved on with life - the only thing she did that broke the rules was she told him she loved him every time she saw him.

Not only was H with OW - but they got engaged, they set a wedding date; he kept going to court, but the court kept having problems with late paperwork, etc. They finally went the FIFTH time, and the court reporter sat down and her water broke, so they rescheduled again.

The W's mom passed away about 2 years into the OW, and the H came over to give comfort to W because he was very close to MIL prior, and something broke. It wasn't too much later that he went to his friend's house and asked him for his wedding ring back - he BDed 8 years ago, and they've been happily reconciled for 5 plus.

The W says she STILL prays for OW to this day.

I used to repeat stories like this to myself to keep things in perspective.

[PatientMan]

Based on the information you provided in your signature, my algorithmic based Divorce Busting simulating model says this will occur for you in exactly 37 days.

-PM

So I've got a little time is what you are saying.

That's just what the report says. Don't shoot the messenger.

It also says,

"Though at times the subject feels resentment and that the reconciliation of the relationship is a cause with too high a price to pay, these times are impermanent. This impermanence, coupled with the varying degrees of seemingly opposite emotional states of mind, indicates the subject is not 'done' with the relationship and that serious effects could be induced if decisions are made during these times of emotional instability."

If I may add in my own two cents, the standard advice I've read here is "you'll know when you're done...you won't have to ask."

Personally, I know the feelings you are experiencing. There are a lot of feelings I have experienced. What you have to do is figure out who you are and who you want to be, then doing the hard work to reconcile the differences between the two.

I've recently posted about the "downside" (if we really want to put that kind of a label on it) of detaching, which is seldom spoken of. It's seldom spoken of because it takes so much effort to get there and when you get there, you're a healthier person than you were before, so "downside" probably isn't the best term.

But the feelings of growing away from your W and not being sure if R is worth the time and effort? Yeah, all that is a natural part of the process. I caution against acting out of emotion and do something you will later regret. Don't be driven by your feelings, be driven by your core convictions. Stick to those, expect the emotional swings (which will reduce with time), and march on.

-PM

[NoMoreMistakes]

Thanks guys. Definitely know not to act now because it just a down day/impatient day. Helps to know its normal though.

[jp787]

I caution against acting out of emotion and do something you will later regret. Don't be driven by your feelings, be driven by your core convictions.
-PM

Acting out of emotion adds loops to the roller coaster.

The roller coaster is not only about you and your W sitch, it is also about your internal growth and change.

Uncertainty is normal and around every corner, so finding ground to stand on (your core convictions) is the only certain thing on this ride, everything else will test it.

Listen to PM, he is a great!

[NoMoreMistakes]

I take all advice, just sometimes with a grain of salt... like 37 days? clearly the answer was 42, calibrate your machine.

Tonight W asked if I wanted to dog sit while she is out of town. Previously when I was still in my clingy phase, I suggested I could watch the dogs while she was on orders. In one way to show her 180s, still support her, and get a chance to have see her.

That was 2 months ago, and since we havent spoken much. And she has been hangin out with OM. Part of my has some difficulty trusting that she really has orders and isnt really going to see OM. So now I dont really know if I want to dog sit while she is out of town. I dont want to be overly supportive while she is with OM, and I dont want to reconnect with the dogs cause I kind of miss them too.

How should I respond to the request. Right now my only thought is just to decline saying "Sorry, I cant next week."

[NoMoreMistakes]

I said a lot of what I don't want, but also I don't need to have her dogs here for a week as triggers and a reminder that M is over (and we aren't yet working on a better one). I don't think it will help my detaching process at this point.

So while I would have jumped at the chance previously, and she might be trying to open the door a bit, I'm going to politely decline.

[NoMoreMistakes]

Its been two weeks since I did my regular workout routine. This, along with being sick, may be contributing to my recent anger and resentment flair up. I have started by on my routine and will double efforts for a PMA. I don't like that guy, so time to get back to being a better me.

[NoMoreMistakes]

W stopped by the house yesterday to pick up something she needed, assuming for her training this week. Most of her things are out of the house except for some boxes with important papers. She has been by several times since moving out but never seems to take the last remaining items. Yesterday it appears she only took a file and left the box of items that she took it out of. She may have not had time or space in her car to grab the remaining box, not sure as I was not there and have not spoken to her about it.

Not mind reading or trying to figure it out, just journaling what is an odd behavior I've noticed.

[NoMoreMistakes]

Great weekend of GAL. Participated in a run, took a nice stroll in the evening, and football grill out on Sunday.

Dim with W, but was not of much concern. If she had not asked how my run went I probably wouldn't have realized its been several days since she contacted. Was more focused on my activities for the weekend then worrying if I would hear from her.

Maybe I am shifting more into the latter stages of grief, as I'm quickly seeing that my happiness is not dependent on W. I am just trying to make sure I evaluate the feelings and thoughts behind the possibility of being happier without W.

[3boymom]

NMM - You sound really good! It is nice when you start getting to the place that you realize that you can be happy without your W/H.