Intro - hoping for support/advice on DBing

[melissag]

OK. He's moved out. He didn't move everything, just the basics. He said he plans to come by and get stuff as he needs it.

Last night, I was brave and offered up the kids for both nights this weekend. That was definitely a 180 for me, as I am usually more protective of my interests . . . he said, "wow!" Then he said, "if we do that, then let's all have dinner together (meaning me, kids, him and his sister who is visiting) and I can cook for everyone at my apartment." I said I'd love to, but want to make sure that he doesn't spend time with me for any reason other than he wants to spend time with me . . . not sure whether that was the right thing to say, but part of his issue with our M is that he feels he spent so long trying to be someone he thought I wanted him to be and being resentful about it . . . I want to make sure he isn't doing that. He said he does want to spend time with me, and that he appreciated me saying that.

Then, he said that he really appreciates how I've been acting about this whole thing and how positive I am and all the changes I have made. He said, "I mean, I actually admire you for it, to an extent." I have to say it really felt good that he acknowledged that, because as you all know, DBing is NOT easy! (Of course, I didn't say that to him, I just said that I have taken a good hard look at myself and am making changes to stop being the yucky person I somehow became.)

So that led to a conversation about us. The summary is, he really likes how things have been the past month or so . . . we agreed we have both been more ourselves and happier. He appeared visibly confused (like, putting his head in his hands and rubbing his hands through his hair and sighing and stuff) and said he just is confused because he can't reconcile the person I was 6 weeks ago with this person I am now. (It has been a big change, but I think it seems even bigger to him, since, at the time of BD, he had pretty much stopped seeing anything good about me and viewed everything through the lens of "she is the source of my misery.") And, that he doesn't know how to know that the person who made him miserable won't come back. I pretty much just told him that I've never done this before - taken a good hard look at myself and faced the good, bad and the ugly, and that I know I will never go back to the way I was before because I didn't like that person, and because it is much easier to just be the person I have been . . . but that I understand that talk is cheap, and no, there is no way he can know, but that he will have to just see for himself. He said that's why he still feels he has to move out, to try to figure this out - and he made it a point to say he wants me to know that he is open to the possibility of figuring things out.

We spent the night together, and this morning joked around and made the morning normal for the kids. The kids and I left before the movers came, and he gave me a big hug. I could feel that I was about to lose it, so I said bye and got in the car with the kids.

OK. So I am feeling hopeful. I am trying to squelch all the bad thoughts I start to think by remembering to be hopeful. I mean, it's true that we needed to do something about the state of our M. He is obviously not to the point where he is committed to working on the M, but the fact that he wants to spend time with me and that he is open to figuring things out between us is light years ahead of where I was just 6 weeks ago when he wanted to divorce me and couldn't do it fast enough.

I am sure that at some point (probably when I tuck the kids in alone or go to bed alone) I will need to let it out, but for now I think I am doing OK keeping a PMA, I will see him tonight because we all do martial arts together twice a week. Tomorrow night I plan to go out with the girls, so you can bet I will be looking damn good when I drop the kids off at his place on the way.

3bm, thank you so much. I truly appreciate your post today - I am sure you know, but wow, it really is a life saver to have these boards and the great people on them. I know that this is going to be really really hard and a huge roller coaster, but I say bring it! I know I will have the support here and that helps tremendously.