Separated 2 1/2 months; just trying to stay strong

[patientwarrior]

Thanks, 3 and Pud! I don't know what it is, but I have just been in a really good mood this week. I just got a fantastic new pixie cut, and I'm feeling quite sassy, lol! Had one of the line cooks tell me today that I looked so much younger, and that felt great. Yep, that's me - 48 going on 30!

I also wrote a letter to Dishrag - not to send her, but to get out all the anger and venom, and to stop her from taking up valuable real estate in my mind. It was cathartic, and it made me realize how very happy I am that I am not her. That I am SO much better than her.

[3boymom]

PW - I know that you wrote your post for yourself, but it really changed something in me. I read each of your items and thought to myself "Me Too." Just like you are SO much better than Dishrag (love your nickname), I know that I am SO much better than my H's OW.

I felt empowered after I read your post and thought about it for a few hours. I will no longer define myself based upon H's opinions of me or his fantasies about OW. I DESERVE so much better than that. You do too!!

Your letter sounds like an excellent idea. Glad you were able to get out the anger and venom I may try the exact same thing.

[patientwarrior]

PW - I know that you wrote your post for yourself, but it really changed something in me. I read each of your items and thought to myself "Me Too." Just like you are SO much better than Dishrag (love your nickname), I know that I am SO much better than my H's OW.

3, I'm happy that my ramblings can actually be meaningful and helpful. And yes, we are better than the OW, just by sheer virtue of the fact that WE wouldn't stoop so low as to knowingly encourage the destruction of a family. Our H's bear the brunt of the blame for the affair, but that doesn't mean the OW shouldn't be held accountable for their participation.

I felt empowered after I read your post and thought about it for a few hours. I will no longer define myself based upon H's opinions of me or his fantasies about OW. I DESERVE so much better than that. You do too!!

Your letter sounds like an excellent idea. Glad you were able to get out the anger and venom smile I may try the exact same thing.

Yes! Empowerment is a beautiful thing! You should definitely give the letter writing a go. It felt great to get it all out. I wrote it, put it aside, and went back and read it a couple of hours later. Then, I went into the garage and burned it.

[3boymom]

Good idea about burning the letter. Maybe I will write a letter and burn it outside while making smores with the kids

[Pudmuddle]

I will no longer define myself based upon H's opinions of me or his fantasies about OW. I DESERVE so much better than that. You do too!!

Some of the bad thinking that got me back here to DB 6 years later, is that I was trying to define myself according to what I thought H wanted from a woman (after his first A). I had no self-esteem after we 'reconciled' the first time because I thought I just wasn't good enough. I was always trying to please him, hence I became totally enmeshed in his emotions and how he reacted to me and other things. Not a good way to treat yourself. So yes please do NOT define yourself by H's opinions or fantasies it will deplete your soul.

pw, I like the idea of writing and burning a letter, a great release for you I'm sure! I may have to do that someday, but right now I could really care less about FloorMop. I KNOW I am better, sexier, more wonderful than she will ever be.

[patientwarrior]

Good idea about burning the letter. Maybe I will write a letter and burn it outside while making smores with the kids

Haha - I love that idea, 3!

pw, I like the idea of writing and burning a letter, a great release for you I'm sure! I may have to do that someday, but right now I could really care less about FloorMop. I KNOW I am better, sexier, more wonderful than she will ever be.

Heck yeah!

[patientwarrior]

When H finally got his cell phone replaced, he told me that he would be in frequent contact with S - daily texts, etc. He told S this, as well. He has since sent S a grand total of 2 texts, the last one being 6 days ago. It just makes me so sad to stand by and watch him damage his relationship with his kids like this. I don't think he even realizes how much damage he is doing. My oldest S told me tonight that, at this point, he just considers H a friend, nothing more. Last year, he brought H to tears by telling him how proud he was to have him as a father. H was practically bursting with happiness when he told me about that, and how incredible it made him feel. Now, a year later, that relationship has completely changed. It's so sad. And what's even more sad is that he has no idea. And it's only a matter of time before S15 loses all trust and respect too.

[Pudmuddle]

Agreed pw. This is the part I just DO NOT understand. How do people not see this? Just thinking about it makes my adrenalin start flowing, it's so upsetting.

[patientwarrior]

Agreed pw. This is the part I just DO NOT understand. How do people not see this? Just thinking about it makes my adrenalin start flowing, it's so upsetting.

I don't understand it either, Pud. I just have to bite my tongue, and remember that I am not his mother or his keeper. This is his life, and these are his decisions. The mistakes he is making are his, too. He's going to have to own them. He's going to have to figure out how to correct them. No matter how much he's acting like one at the moment, he's not a child. He is an adult, and at some point, he's going to have to start actually being one.

[Pudmuddle]

This is what I have been doing with my H and how he deals with my S. For too long, I tried to help them work through things, but no longer. I step back and let my H deal with it even if I don't agree with how he does it. His way is to escalate the arguing and sass back just like my S does. So it's really like two teens arguing. But now every once in a while my H reacts calmly to S, especially since I started acting more calm around H. interesting development, eh?