[SemperFi00]

I thought about posting to you this week to say Hey, let us know what's up.

I was hoping for more positive but news we live the life that's in front of us.

Thanks for the kind welcome back to the board. Guess the cosmos was speaking to me through you and that’s why I chose now to come back and post again….

As I look back on my married life with my H, I haven't always been "in love" with him, I haven't always been happy in the marriage. There were periods of time when everything he did irritated me.

When we are chronically unhappy or depressed, I don't know that your W is depressed is but it seems a real possibility, we tend to only recall those negative memories. We also buy into the myth that we should be happy all the time and if we aren't there's something wrong. We usually look to blame that on others. Until she's willing to look inward, she's not going to find the root of her unhappiness.

Makes complete sense to me that level of love/satisfaction varies throughout any long-term R. That’s why love is a choice and takes work and effort. W’s other comment during the most recent conversation was that she has finally found her voice and can now stand up for herself – in her current thinking that’s why she wants to leave so that she can be true to who she really believes herself to be. I think that right now she would say that she has looked inward for the first time and all this is a result of that. Personally, I think it sounds very selfish and that there is much more left to be explored - and yes I know that sounds judgmental but that is where I am at currently. I really do want her to be happy but am really struggling with the impact that this will have on the boys.

But you are right – nothing I can do about that until (or if) she is ever ready and open so on to

But you can't do anything about that.

What do you want to do at this point?

I want to be the best father than I can be and as much as possible spare my kids the pain that I think this could introduce to them. In addition I would really like to understand why I continue to feel guilty and beat myself up about a choice W is making and why I keep looking for alternate solutions…….. Intellectually I understand now that I will be ok (at some point) but cannot always seem to keep my feelings/emotions in synch with that understanding.

In addition, I want to be in a loving caring R with someone and to be able to share life experiences. Ideally at this points still with W but that seems to be waning……

Labug (and others), thanks for your continued interest and comments. The support and advice is invaluable - and much appreciated.....