Apparently D16 wanted to carve a pumpkin because she came home from work with one in her arms, LOL! Her bestie came over too and she had her own pumpkin. So I threw a tarp over the dining table, found the little tools and saws from last year and turned them loose! W usually bakes the pumpkin seeds but she ain't around no more, so I looked up a recipe and they turned out awesome, so here's the recipe:
Put the seeds in a pot along with 2 cups water per 1/2 cup seeds and 1 tbsp salt per 1/2 cup seeds. Bring to boil, reduce heat, simmer for 10 minutes. Drain in a colendar. Coat a cookie sheet with olive oil, spread the seeds on it and bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes or until the shells start browning.
We've never boiled them in the past, the boiling infuses them with salt versus just coating the outside with salt. We ate them almost as soon as they came out of the oven and they were really tasty!
Originally Posted By: 2old
Wow AS, do you think there may be a slow "thaw" in the works with your sitch?
I know better than to read too much into too little, I've made that mistake plenty of times in my sitch, LOL! So no expectations. But I have noticed that she's been sending more texts/ emails although they're almost always kid-related and she seems more friendly in our face-to-face interactions. The offer of bringing me food was something she did all the time before BD but that stopped cold after BD. So it's a bit unusual. That's about it though, last time I asked about the D paperwork she said it was being revised, so as far as I can tell the D is still "full steam ahead".
Originally Posted By: sayitaintso
My s17 rarely goes to my stbx's and doesn't see her much. Like your older ones, he hates to talk about the sitch so I don't discuss it unless their is something I really feel he needs to know.
It's frustrating because we develop all these new communication tools when DB'ing and we want to use them. And we know it helps to work through this stuff. But kids don't know that and they want to process everything internally. I do reach out to them now and then to see if they want to talk, but I'm not being pushy about it.
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I don't want to influence their relationship and it can be tough to balance supporting and encouraging it when she doesn't make that much effort (IMO). I'm hopeful their relationship can improve but its out of my hands.
Whenever the kids complain about W I just validate, I don't try to defend her and I don't try to make her appear worse. I just tell them I understand, that it sounds frustrating, etc. For all I know they complain about me to her too.
Had an interesting convo with D16 last night. She is really wise beyond her years, it amazes me sometimes that she's only 16. First she gave me some background info on OM that I didn't know. I knew he moved to NY with his W and that she left him, that he came back to TX w/o her and that's when my W stepped in to "help him through his difficult time" and thus the EA started. What I didn't know is that his W moved back here and shacked up with his brother! I also didn't know that his W got the house in their D, that he was living in it at the time and when he moved out he trashed the place to get back at his W. Classy! I told D16 I don't understand why he's involved with W (my W that is), and she said "I know, he has no future with mom." As I think I've said before, he's 20 years younger and loves kids but doesn't have any, and W's child-bearing years are behind her at this point. D16 then said "I think he has self-esteem issues." LOL! I didn't even know she knew what that meant, but I'm sure she's right. Then she said "Mom is crazy, and she knows she's crazy. She actually has a name for her crazy self as if it's another person, she calls her Cleopatra." She went on to say that W talks about "Cleopatra" in the third person, for example D16 was complaining about something W had done and W said "I know that seemed strange to you, but Cleopatra was here that day, not me." Interesting that W is recognizing this other side of herself in such an obvious way.
D16 also said that she updated the firmware on her phone and somehow ended up with W's text convos on her phone, it was apparently some kind of glitch (their phones are on the same account). She said she ended up with a lot of W's convos with OM and that she looked through them and it was all pretty standard stuff, like 2 friends talking versus lovers.
It was an interesting convo, and ironic considering how I was just talking about how the girls don't ever want to talk about the sitch. D16 really opened up a LOT about it. D16 kept saying she thinks W will come out of it and be her normal self again some day, and that she wants me to wait for her. I told her I'm giving her as much time as I can, but I can't stop the D if W keeps pushing it through.
Originally Posted By: 2ndtimearoundCA
Thanks for the recipe AS!
No problem, but I did learn that they are best when eaten fresh out of the oven, I ate some the next morning and they were a lot more chewy/ stringy. They were delicious when warm and fresh though!
I'm glad your D16 feels so comfortable to discuss all this with you, I think thats great.
A while back it used to really hurt me to hear my kids talk about my stbx and the OM but now I really appreciate that they open up to me and I don't think its good for us to stifle that to avoid pain.
Did finding out more info - peeling back the mask of the unknown a little - put you at any more ease than before your conversation with your D16? It is odd how sometimes knowing something, even if it's nothing, can set our minds at ease. Maybe it's the reassurance that whatever the information was, well it wasn't something ELSE that is the worst thing imaginable and, of course, has crossed your mind at some point.
That may be one of those paragraphs that made sense in my head only and doesn't transpose well...
Have you ever met anyone from here (this MB)? You're from a heavily populated area so the chances of being near someone are decent. There might even be a DB support/accountability group (if not, not a bad idea).
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
A while back it used to really hurt me to hear my kids talk about my stbx and the OM but now I really appreciate that they open up to me and I don't think its good for us to stifle that to avoid pain.
I've never really been bothered by OM because pretty early on I did buy into the DR concept of OM being a symptom of our broken marriage rather than the cause of it. If not him it would have been someone else. At least I know this guy enough that I feel I can trust him around my kids, I wouldn't be able to say as much for a stranger. I guess my attitude has been "if she's going to have an OM he is as good an OM as any." That may sound strange, but it really is how I feel. I'm focused on what I can do about me, not on him or W's attitude about him.
Originally Posted By: PatientMan
Did finding out more info - peeling back the mask of the unknown a little - put you at any more ease than before your conversation with your D16?
Mainly I was pleased that D16 opened up so much, I think it was a huge step for her. And not only did she open up, but she was very forthright about how she feels without getting emotional about it. It made me feel that no matter what happens, she's going to be OK and that has been a big concern of mine. I am still concerned for D19 and S10, but this felt like real growth on D16's part.
That said, the content of the discussion didn't change anything for me regarding my perception of W. I've long since quit caring about whether she's having sex or not, the way I see it our M is already dead and she is free to pursue her interests whatever they may be. Do I hope we can reconcile some day? I'm definitely still open to it and I would not hold any sexual activity against her. Neither of us were virgins when we met, but that didn't stop us from falling in love and making a life together. It can happen again.
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Have you ever met anyone from here (this MB)? You're from a heavily populated area so the chances of being near someone are decent. There might even be a DB support/accountability group (if not, not a bad idea).
No, my understanding is that in the "old days" of these boards people could PM each other and often did make arrangements to meet. But that's been disabled and things are quite anonymous now, so I don't think that's really possible anymore except maybe by connecting through FB.
Mainly I was pleased that D16 opened up so much, I think it was a huge step for her. And not only did she open up, but she was very forthright about how she feels without getting emotional about it. It made me feel that no matter what happens, she's going to be OK and that has been a big concern of mine. I am still concerned for D19 and S10, but this felt like real growth on D16's part.
That said, the content of the discussion didn't change anything for me regarding my perception of W. I've long since quit caring about whether she's having sex or not, the way I see it our M is already dead and she is free to pursue her interests whatever they may be. Do I hope we can reconcile some day? I'm definitely still open to it and I would not hold any sexual activity against her. Neither of us were virgins when we met, but that didn't stop us from falling in love and making a life together. It can happen again.
Unsurprisingly, that sounds very detached of you. Detachment seems to be the goal for so long, but it has its downsides too. I hesitate to mention that because I emphatically promote detaching - I think it's an integral piece of the puzzle for most everyone - but it isn't a state of nirvana. It's just a better/healthier place to be...a fresh start to springboard the rest of one's life off of.
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No, my understanding is that in the "old days" of these boards people could PM each other and often did make arrangements to meet. But that's been disabled and things are quite anonymous now, so I don't think that's really possible anymore except maybe by connecting through FB.
I remember that recently some of the posters met up in the NE somewhere and wasn't sure if that happened with others and elsewhere. You are correct - the increase in anonymity makes it difficult to put real faces with UNs. I would have to say something like: "meet me at the Buffalo Wild Wings at 75 & Spring Creek on Saturday at 5 and I'll buy you a beer", but that's probably against the rules (but not as I read them) and I don't want to go on moderation again so I'm NOT saying that, just in case. (That was just a random example - I don't know if that's an actual place.)
I am glad to hear of your healthy communication level with your daughter. I think getting any teenager to open up to a parent is a "win." To be honest, I think of "D16" and it seems so old/almost grown up for a D, but my oldest isn't that far off. **shivers**
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
D16 is now D17 I bought her a chocolate truffle cake from Cheesecake Factory, after hauling it to work and to home I had to see how much it weighed, it felt like it had bricks in it. It was 12.6 pounds!! We barely ate a fraction of it, I ended up freezing over half of it. D17 wanted to eat dinner early so she could go to a football game. I invited W, but she couldn't get away from work early enough so it was just me and the kids (and a friend of D17). We went to a hibachi grille, lots of fun and REALLY tasty Then D17 went to the game. I invited W over after the game for the presents and cake. D19 and I decorated while D17 was at the game and when she got home we had the party for her and W joined us. I got D17 several things for her Mustang convertible and she seemed to enjoy the gifts and the whole day.
When I called W to invite her I asked her if she already had separate plans and she said something strange like "I didn't think I was invited so I was going to take her the next day". There's this strange vibe going on that's hard for me to describe, but it's like W thinks I don't want to have anything to do with her. Maybe she's misinterpreting my detachment, I don't know. I don't mind her being a part of stuff like this, but the thing is, I really don't care if she's not part of it either. She can join in, or she can not join in, I don't care.
The next day D17 wanted to go to "trade days" in a town about an hour away. I told her I would take her, but that evening she said W was taking her. I didn't want to invite myself along, so I let it go. Turns out D19 wanted to go too, so D19 and I went together and D17 went with W. I thought it was silly that we didn't all go together, but again it's that strange vibe thing, like it's not that W doesn't want to be around me, but she thinks I don't want to be around her. At some point if the opportunity comes up I'll try and talk with her to clear that up.
Originally Posted By: PatientMan
Unsurprisingly, that sounds very detached of you. Detachment seems to be the goal for so long, but it has its downsides too.
I agree, I think the biggest downside is that full-on detachment can leave the LBS with no desire to get back with the WAS. We all come here to save our M's, so it's ironic that one of the tools meant to get us there may leave us without the desire for it.
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I would have to say something like: "meet me at the Buffalo Wild Wings at 75 & Spring Creek on Saturday at 5 and I'll buy you a beer"
Hopefully this isn't against the rules to talk about, but a lot of the people here are on FB using the same handles as here (with "DB" after the handle) and certainly there it would be easier to coordinate such things
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To be honest, I think of "D16" and it seems so old/almost grown up for a D, but my oldest isn't that far off. **shivers**
D19 reminded me recently that early next year she'll no longer be a teen (passes out)
Originally Posted By: kate's_place
AS, you are in a good place. I like it a lot. The fact that D opened up is a biggie. Girls are often close mouthed at that age.
The times I've tried to talk to her before that she has flat-out said she didn't want to talk about it. I always honored that and now I'm glad I did, because I see now that she just had to get herself ready to discuss it.
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S17 doesn't want much to do with his dad either. Still thinks he is a jerk....
That's got to be tough on S17 and on you D10 told me a couple of days ago that he doesn't think W loves him anymore. I assured him that she does, and he asked why she never tells him that then. Wow, I didn't know how to respond. W used to tell him ILY all the time.
AS, you are amazing. I wouldn't have known how to answer D10 either because regardless of what is going on, you don't expect that to stop. I am sure you will think of something brilliant for the next time he asks
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
D10 told me a couple of days ago that he doesn't think W loves him anymore. I assured him that she does, and he asked why she never tells him that then. Wow, I didn't know how to respond. W used to tell him ILY all the time.