DBing is counter-intuitive to everything that you "think" that you know.
"Thinking", is what got you here. Hell, it got almost all of us here....
Your patterns, your actions, your thoughts, your words...
They ALL played a part in this.
Everything that you know about relationships, and interaction is going to be tested. Things that you are steadfast on, will change. Things that were deal breakers, are now optional.
Nothing is as it seems....
DBing is about solutions. Doing things that work, and becoming better at the things that you were deficient about in the past.
Communicating better, making better decisions, using better words that reflect your true self....
But YOU have to take that leap of faith into it. You have to let go of things that you "think" that you know.
And you damned sure have to know who you are at your core, before you can know those things...
We all have done that, every one of the "guys" posting to you. Every one of us has stood on the edge of that cliff, with that decision to make....
This will change your life, if you let it...
I spoke previously about absolute truth, and I am going to stay with that here...
When you got the bomb, your marriage, as you knew it, was over. What is left now, is the physical shell of what once was.
Nothing will ever be the same with it, or about it.
And when I tell you that, in no way does that mean that you cannot have a new relationship with your current wife. It is very possible that it could happen.
The difference in the way that you are viewing this, is from a person that is still trying to apply the rules of the old marriage, to the new status-quo within the house.
The way that you approached the boundary last night, was that of a Husband, or better yet...like a Father would correct a child.
You were hurt, and angry, and although you left the room to regroup, you still walked away from this. That will come across as a weakness in the eyes of a MLCer, and it makes you vulnerable to them.
How was that different, than in the past ???
By knowing yourself first, and what you will and will not allow for yourself BEFORE you start your boundary, you will appear steadfast with your words AND your actions....
MLC is about control, controlling the things that they felt that they were missing in life previously. And although your actions will not hurry this process along any, they certainly can hinder that.
Your words are very important...actions are even more important.
DBing can be difficult to navigate, especially with a live in MLCer. I spent 2 and a half years with one, and there were no easy moments.
What I found, was that I needed to be the best person that I could be, for me, not anyone else. My words needed to match my actions more closely, and I needed to step up my game, because in the end, being that person, would benefit me the most.
Becoming that person FOR myself, was the best chance at reconciling, becoming that person for myself, gave my children a Father that they could be proud of.
With a live-in, you need to keep your PMA up more than those that separate. A common misnomer is, that you HAVE to be that guy at all times. What you also need to do, is to show that you can handle the rough times in a better fashion than you used to handle them.
What I see in you, is a guy that is thinking along the lines of...
She is doing this TO me....
Not true...
She is doing this FOR herself....
Yet that doesn't mean that in the end, she hasn't done this FOR you either.
So let me ask you this ...
What do YOU want to do better with ???
Originally Posted By: FY
Oh sure, you’ll be doing some fine tuning along the way, and that’s great! But in my opinion, you don’t need to go on a year’s long sabbatical, write an autobiography and two novel’s on the meaning of life and love to figure this out and start living. It just doesn't have to be that hard. At some point you have to just get on with being who you want to be and ENJOYING your life.
Well, I don't remember suggesting any sabbaticals or novels....
I will however say, that I don't see too many houses being built, with the foundation on the roof either....
When I first read this, I felt that little urge to fire back something off the hip...
I felt that little burn, and when that happens ?
I gotta know why before I say anything, or act....
It stung because "I" didn't fully understand your point, and it stung because I wasn't trying to understand your point of view.
So thank you for slowing that down for me...
I DO understand what you are saying.
And I don't feel as if we are that far apart in this.
My point is, that the boundary DID need to be set if it is bothering him. It is the WAY that he set the boundary that bothered me...
One sounds controlling, one protects himself.
Mach, thanks for trying to understand what I was saying, I really appreciate the thought you put into this. And I wasn't really looking at the way he said it, more that it was important that he did set that boundary. I also completely understand where you are coming from now. I am still learning myself how to say things in a manner that isn't controlling.
I also have often felt like my H was 'controlling' me by the things he said in the past. I would think it was my guilt that let me feel that way, not that he was controlling me in reality. <--Still working on this!
I agree that we are in the same arena, maybe not on the same horse. You are the bomb Mach! (A good kind of bomb that is)
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
As a nonsmoker, I don't like smoke around me. At my house, friends and other visitors know not to smoke in my house. However, an ashtray is readily and clearly available to them outside on the porch where the deck furniture is should they elect to smoke while visiting me. It is available to them and I'm not controlling them at all. They make a choice to smoke outside or not. Simple as that.
In no way am I taking their choice to smoke away unilaterally. See?
I would struggle too. What she was doing was completely wrong and I don't care how messed up in the head she is right now. I'm glad you said something about it regardless of how it came out. She had to know what she was doing was wrong, kudos to you. If she insists on doing it take it somewhere else.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
Mach "You were hurt, and angry, and although you left the room to regroup, you still walked away from this. That will come across as a weakness in the eyes of a MLCer, and it makes you vulnerable to them.
How was that different, than in the past ??"
This is how I usually handle my H spewing at me, Mach. Validate what he had to say, and then walk away before I cry in front of him. Would it be better to just stand there?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
So why not give them everything they want? A divorce? If they ask for it, then why stand? Do we treat all their decisions as if they adults, even though they are acting like children? How do we handle the really damaging boundaries?
Hey Lois, I am not sure how you got here ^^^^from what we were talking about. lol
Your choice whether to stand or not, right?
Are you saying that we should treat them as children?
I think we should treat them with respect as we would want to be treated.
I am not sure what you mean by how do we treat the really damaging boundaries?
Glad I sparked such a spirited conversation today. I wish I had asked this question earlier yesterday. Maybe I would have approached things differently. Pretty sure I would have asked for this boundary, but may have delivered a little differently.
I'm so thankful to everyone here. You are all great people to give of yourselves to others of us in need.
Leap of Faith. Not sure how ready I am to jump off a cliff. I'm too attached I think. For my own growth, I've got to jump.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
You are the bomb Mach! (A good kind of bomb that is)