Confusion Reigns Part 4

[kml]

Ummm, yeah - I'm pretty sure he didn't get a secret second cell phone just so he could prank you. He's using it to communicate with SOME OW, whether it's still the old school girlfriend or another.

As for the house - yes, keeping a clean house is one thing you can fix. You should do so. But also remember, if he wants out, he'll just pick something else about you to put the blame on, so don't twist yourself into a knot. Fix the things that are legitimate complaints, and ignore the crazy stuff.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Agree with KML here, its called the "moving bar" tactic.

I read about it in....heck I cant remember which book actually. But if you fix that he will have something else, and when you fix that he will have something else, etc etc etc.

Its total script. Now you admit you used to keep a clean house, but SINCE everything has started, with your depression, the sitch, the messy house started, so how could he have been unhappy at something that's more of a new revelation. Its just like the super secret decoder phone that he found in the box of cracker jacks. Its a miracle joke.......on you (

[Feenix]

I'll respond to Rosa in a second...but about the second cell phone, I need to clear that up...he's had a second phone for almost a year now.

He broke the "original" second phone 3 weeks ago after OW #1 wouldn't see or talk to him anymore. He got mad and broke it. Then, I had already found the "new" second phone last week or week before. I jokingly call it his "super secret second" phone because he acts like it's so secret when he knows that I know about it.

So, I'm not in denial about the second phone. Yes, he is obviously hiding talking to other women. He is also probably looking up porn, etc. on there. I know this.

And, I'm not discounting that he is having another affair...or more than one other affair.

I was just updating on the threads what he told me. I'm not saying that I believe him. I can't believe anything he says....good or bad.

[Feenix]

I don't know if it would help you to hear that the rest of our Hs told us a lot of the same exact crap as your H is telling you. But you know what Angela, none of these relationships were real and none has lasted.

This does help in that it helps me see I'm not alone...it helps me see that I can still keep moving forward and working on myself because others here have been through the same stuff and are doing ok.

But the one thing I truly believe and agree with, that both of our Hs told us, is that when they were acting hateful and mean, it was because they do not love themselves. And that does not have anything to do with us.

Thanks for the reminder. I keep trying to own ALL of our unhappiness and mistakes...I have to find a way to only own my part and let the rest go.

My S12 today asked why I'm going to start going to counseling...and I said to work on being a better me. He asked what that meant. I said a better mom, a better friend, a better wife....just a better, healthier person. His response? "Why? I think you're the best mom ever!" Love that kid so much!

I'm sure your H will appreciate the clean house, just like you are happier in a clean house!

Yeah, this is something I already wanted to work on for me. I hate living in a messy house.

The biggest thing my DB coach tells me to do now is to STFU most of the time, and never approach my H.

Thank you for sharing this advice...I've been trying to do this...but failed so badly yesterday, for sure!!! My C today told me that nothing will affect my H more right now than a quiet, calm, and peaceful spirit. So, I really, really need to STFU more. For real.

But like you Angela -- I believe in God. I put my faith in God that both of our Hs will escape and will become sane again. And that when their eyes are open and they are blinking like moles who have come out of a dark tunnel into the bright sunlight, they will see their "lovely wives." Us, standing strong for our marriages. I am trusting God and this process to get us thru it.

I had a mental picture of us Standers as warriors of a sort....strong and steady through all this chaos.

Thank you, as always, RosaLinda.....you are so strong and courageous!

[cat04]

rH...others who are reconciling....is it really worth it? Worth the lies, the pain, the not-knowing? Worth my heart being in total shreds tonight after hearing all morning what a horrible, awful wife I've been, etc.

Is it worth it when your marriage wasn't that great to begin with?

I am not reconciled, however this was not my first roll in the hay with DB...

I first found DB, before the other books were written. Before these forums had come into existence.

I don't know that I entirely understood then what I understand now, but I got the basic principals of DB at the time.

And I (we, X and I) reconciled our M in very late 99/2000.

Was it worth it? And yes I had an angry nasty spewer like you...

For me, it was worth it.

We had good times and bad before that very first bomb in 1998 and after that bomb. In total, throughout the M, I had 4 signifigant bombs. 1998, 2003, 2007, and 2008.

The M was never perfect. And we both, obviously, had lots of things we could have done differently and worked on.

My X, was a "serial" MLCer. That is to say, he was snapped out of the first crisis period without ever completing the MLC. When he returned to the tunnel after losing his grandparents, it was done with a vengance.

When it got bad, I returned to DB principals, and that is when I learned about MLC and really started my journey (very differently from the first time I used DB).

I grew. I changed. I learned so much about myself, inside and outside of my M.

Reconciliation or not, the process is worth it. The work, is worth it.

The process and the work, will help you to find your own answer if it is "worth it" or not...regardless of the decision you make regarding the status of your M.

I am glad you contacted the counselor. I am very glad that you heard his message about time and not deciding...

Nothing needs to be decided today.

And Ang...don't "work" on the sex issue. At this moment, at least until you get some counseling, I would say stay away from it.

It is time to start valuing, loving, honoring, and respecting yourself a bit.

Just MOP.

[RosaLinda]

How are you doing Angela? Did you get to meet your new counselor in person? You're on my mind.

Cat04, this really scared me: "My X, was a "serial" MLCer. That is to say, he was snapped out of the first crisis period without ever completing the MLC. When he returned to the tunnel after losing his grandparents, it was done with a vengance." My H did this, was in crisis for 3 years, "snapped out of it" for 5 months, then jumped back in feet first. You say you are not reconciled; did your H ever escape out of MLC?

[Feenix]

Hey cat04 and RosaLinda!

RL:
I meet with my counselor in person next week, hopefully. I can't wait. In the meantime, I have lots of "homework" from counselor to work on and study (mostly from Bible) and my Divorce Remedy book came Monday, so I've been reading that.

cat04:First, thank you for your valuable advice that comes from a lot of experience with this MLC stuff. I really appreciate that you take the time to help us on these boards. Thank you!

Was it worth it? And yes I had an angry nasty spewer like you...
For me, it was worth it.
I grew. I changed. I learned so much about myself, inside and outside of my M.
Reconciliation or not, the process is worth it. The work, is worth it.
The process and the work, will help you to find your own answer if it is "worth it" or not...regardless of the decision you make regarding the status of your M.
It is time to start valuing, loving, honoring, and respecting yourself a bit.

Thanks, cat04. I keep rereading these words you wrote. I am struggling with the need to know RIGHT NOW what's going to happen....I am struggling with the need to decide RIGHT NOW what I need to do...instead of just following the process.

______________________________________________________________________________

I had my doctor appt yesterday to get checked for STD's, just in case. I've had this Dr for the past 16 years, since I became PG with my first child. He knows me pretty well. I gave him a brief overview of what's been going on. He wants me to see the counselor for a couple of times, then see after that if we need to adjust and/or add any meds.

He took LOTS of extra time to just talk to me (what doctor does that in this day and age???)...to remind me to work on me...to remind me that I cannot control my H and that I can't change him, but that I can change myself. He was so helpful and kind...he even gave me a hug, later, when I was leaving his office...and his nurse gave me one, too! I am really lucky to have such an amazing doctor and staff!

His nurse, while she was drawing my blood, said,

"I'm going to tell you two things. I've been around awhile and

(1)I admire that you've stuck with your H for this long, through such a mess. It shows me that you are strong and that you can make it through this...and that you ARE going to come out of this, no matter the outcome of your marriage, a better, stronger person than ever before. Don't forget that.

and (2) while it is NEVER excusable for a man to cheat on his wife or treat her this way....he is just a man. People make mistakes. People are stupid. If you can, try to forgive him. Not just for him, but for yourself."

So, my dr appt was actually pretty uplifting.

Then, I got home and H was there (even though most of his clothes and bathroom stuff are at his friend's). He hung out with me and the kids all evening. He was very reluctant to leave for work. And, he came up and gave me a hug when he was leaving.

This morning, we've had to text a couple of times about football games today, etc. and he's been nice. BUT, he made sure to tell me that he'll be "busy" all weekend and not coming around. Also, two nights ago, he texted from work and told me that he's going to be nice to me but "not to get my hopes up."

I feel anxiety creeping in...and I hate that. I really do.

Must. Detach. More!

[Pudmuddle]

Geesh! I want your doctor and nurse! How affirming that must've been for you. My doctor says 'what can i do for you in 20 minutes?" I always want to say, Um, nothing really. lol

Sounds like you are doing great things for yourself and it is slooowly creeping into your H. Don't worry about what he says, he is, as they say here, doing the script. He can see the changes otherwise, he wouldn't say he is going to be nice to you.

It's the ol' back and forth, are you near or are you far dance.

You sound good Ang.

[BrightFuture]

Angela, I just caught up on your story. Wow, so sorry you had to go through it. After I read about you discovering picture on the second phone, I had a question “why did he take a picture?” I was thinking that he must be really messed up. Then you posted that he planted it on purpose. So, my thinking is still the same, that he is really messed up.

I’m glad you had so much support here and in your life from your doctor and pastor. I know that it helps a lot. (((((hugs)))))

[cat04]

Just wanted to say I responded to RosaLinda's question/comment to me on her thread if anyone wants to read.