I'd like to offer an example of one of my boundaries to illustrate what other vets are trying to say here.
As a nonsmoker, I don't like smoke around me. At my house, friends and other visitors know not to smoke in my house. However, an ashtray is readily and clearly available to them outside on the porch where the deck furniture is should they elect to smoke while visiting me. It is available to them and I'm not controlling them at all. They make a choice to smoke outside or not. Simple as that.
In no way am I taking their choice to smoke away unilaterally. See?
P.S. I would consider standing on my head naked in the middle of the street right now to have a partner who made such an effort with our children, especially our children.
I've read the changes you are making as a dad and it's the bomb.
My two daughters haven't had a dad for nearly years. He has gone as far as missing birthdays and only seeing them a few times for maybe 30 minutes in a span of 3-6 months. It's been awful. My youngest is 11 and misses her dad terribly.
Please keep it up. Regardless of the result, you won't regret having a good relationship with your kids.
H
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
P.S. I would consider standing on my head naked in the middle of the street right now to have a partner who made such an effort with our children, especially our children.
I've read the changes you are making as a dad and it's the bomb.
My two daughters haven't had a dad for nearly years. He has gone as far as missing birthdays and only seeing them a few times for maybe 30 minutes in a span of 3-6 months. It's been awful. My youngest is 11 and misses her dad terribly.
Please keep it up. Regardless of the result, you won't regret having a good relationship with your kids.
H
Thanks Heather. After this Friday, my job will become lots less time consuming and I feel like I can really go to work. I will have my evenings and weekends free to truly focus on myself, my kids, and my M. I am looking forward to the challenge.
My growing relationship with my boys has been the greatest result of this crazy ride. S10 ran down the stairs and jumped onto me last night giving me a big hug when I got home last night. He was a little surprised when I wouldn't let him go for a bit. I wanted that moment to last a little longer. I had picked both of the boys up some new pants for church and jeans for school on the way home last night as well. S10 and S12 both hate trying on clothes. When I asked them to try them on, they both just went right to it, no protests. So fulfilling when both of them genuinely told me "thanks Daddy." Those are the moments I want to live in right now.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
How about: I know you are going through a difficult time. I care about you and it hurts to see you hurting. I know you see your "friends" as helpful during this time. I respect you needing to make your own decisions on how best to take care of yourself. I really appreciate how you shut down the texting in the bedroom when I was trying to sleep.
Lois, I love you, however, this ^^^^ is not a good idea to say. Here's why. Again he would be assuming how she feels. And to bring to light again how he feels about her, is telling her he is not hearing her. He doesnt know how she sees her friends.
He set a boundary. He needs to leave it there right now.
just a rule to be laid out. Her responses to me almost seemed childlike. An insight into how her brain is right now.
Her responses were childlike, because that is the way she was being treated.
Rules ?
Is that what YOU want in a relationship ???
Sounds controlling to me...
There is a HUGE difference between being a "man" and being a hard ass....
J, I respect your need for your dignity, and I get that you needed it in this one area.
And I think you are completely missing my point....
My point was it was a boundary that he felt needed to be set. Allowing someone to do something you don't agree with is an assault to the sensibility. If she were to want to murder her neighbor, would you allow that? Could you control it? No, but you could let them know wouldn't participate in it.
Is it a control issue? probably, but there is a fine line between being a doormat and maintaining dignity.
Pud, I gotta say...
When I first read this, I felt that little urge to fire back something off the hip...
I felt that little burn, and when that happens ?
I gotta know why before I say anything, or act....
It stung because "I" didn't fully understand your point, and it stung because I wasn't trying to understand your point of view.
So thank you for slowing that down for me...
I DO understand what you are saying.
And I don't feel as if we are that far apart in this.
My point is, that the boundary DID need to be set if it is bothering him. It is the WAY that he set the boundary that bothered me...
One sounds controlling, one protects himself.
Wife,
I understand that you feel connected when you use this time to text and PM. However, I find myself not being able to sleep when that happens. I would greatly appreciate it, if it could be done elsewhere.
Thank you
If the perception on her behalf is, that he hasn't changed, then it will always be that way for her...
And it doesn't matter one little bit if it is the truth...it is HER truth....
As a Woman, what version would you feel less intimidated, and controlled by ????
J, I think you didnt feel comfortable with the way you set the boundary. And you admitted you did it out of anger.
So, now you know for next time, right?
Lois, you can validate if they are telling you they are hurting. But you shouldnt assume that they are. You are making all kinds of assumptions by saying all that. And can come off sounding condescending.
And they have told you that they dont want to be in the marriage right now. They need to know that you heard that. You dont have to like it, but, you have to honor their feelings, ya know?
They know how you feel, trust me on that.
The thing with a boundary is when you set it, it is not to control their actions but to protect you. There is a difference.
The way that Mach worded it treats her as an adult, with respect.
So why not give them everything they want? A divorce? If they ask for it, then why stand? Do we treat all their decisions as if they adults, even though they are acting like children? How do we handle the really damaging boundaries?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
