Seems we're back to speculating all over again about that receipt. Let me share a short story to illustrate why it might be worthwhile to ask H about it and give him an opportunity to explain it.
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Inside a very dark room with no furniture with only one door, a man is sitting down in it with his back against the wall eyeing at a thing in the middle of the floor. The thing was coiled tightly in that space.
The man was very frightened at the sight of the thing imaging that it was a wicked scary, venomous snake. His mind whirred at "what if", "how can I" and all other sundry stuff. Then he got up to feel against the wall and found a light switch.
When he switched on the light, the "coiled" snake was in fact a rope. Suddenly he was flooded with relief at knowing what that 'thing' was. __________________________________
It is starting to get a bit tiresome to hear this being brought up over and over and OVER without any resolution.
So what do you want to do about that receipt, Amb?
From a man's pov, why would one buy all that to end something?
He wouldn't end it - she would.
Sorry...poor joke, I guess. Just trying to lighten the mood!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's easy to get stuck in this process. You're spending a lot of time and energy on this receipt. You are depleting yourself and you NEED your energy.
Maybe put the question out there and see what happens?
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
For now I'll just put it in a drawer and close the drawer. I can't confront right now, too close to holidays, and I'm not prepared to hear anything. Not strong enough, obviously. Hopefully my Zoloft increase will kick in by next week.
It should help me with the emotional cycling. It IS rough...between my head, ( ocd ), depression, anxiety, and menopause, add to that school and work, it is overwhelming me.
If it was just our marriage and no other issues this would be difficult...I'm just trying to get it out and yes I come here to write to get it out along with exercise. I won't mention here again.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Ambivalent, If you are coming here to just vent, then caution us that you are venting. However, you do appear to be stuck when it comes to that receipt. When I discovered the receipts that my xh had in his vehicle, I confronted him about it and yes, it was during the holiday season. Once, I knew for sure what he was doing out on the street, it put my mind at ease because I wasn't sitting around "assuming" and doing the stinking thinking routine. Of course, I plotted my course and did some stupid stuff along the way before I found this Forum...but I was able to end the obsessing over those pieces of paper because I finally got the answers to that piece of the puzzle.
It's your call if you think you can wait until after the holidays, but I do think your health is going to take a toll w/knowing about the receipt and not confronting/asking him about it.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Regarding the joke, I just meant those weren't very expensive versions of those items and that wasn't going to really impress anyone.
And you should indeed "get it out" here if you feel the need. This is your thread, it's for YOU. Just think about examining why you're allowing yourself to go through what appears to be a self-inflicted torture on top of an already difficult enough situation.
I think that's what people are trying to say, not that they don't want to read your posts or that you shouldn't post. At least, that's what *I* was saying when I posted:
"Or perhaps just accept that he is and move forward...stop letting the possibility of it eat you alive every day."
That's all. I don't think bottling it up will help either, because you'll eventually just explode. So you've got people who generally care trying to help (and that's a good thing to have), but if you really just want to vent then let 'er rip!
Endure well!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Regarding the joke, I just meant those weren't very expensive versions of those items and that wasn't going to really impress anyone.
That's freaking hilarious PM. Didn't occur to any of us to concentrate on how sad those items are.
Amba, you are sooo much stronger than you think. You got this. Don't put this off just because "I can't handle it."
Bullsh!t. You can handle it. YOU ARE HANDLING IT. Right now, you are handling it.
In my case, I already knew the answers before I ever asked the questions. I just needed to make sure H knew I was aware of the truth. I was tired of playing victim to his sad land of make-believe.
I believe you know the truth too. Maybe that's why this is hitting you so hard. It's the first crack in the denial? WE'VE all been there.
It hurts. Feel it, it won't kill you. You will come out the other side. You will and you will finally be able to see what your made of. You're tough, you just don't know it yet.
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Don't put this off just because "I can't handle it."
I don't know what good it would do. If he has to go through an affair, or one night stands...whatever, my bringing it to his attention will not allow him to deal with what he has to do, explore.
It just makes the holidays more awkward, and doesn't bring us closer together.
I will ask my therapist her thoughts as well. I will just try and detach and let him play. He left so he could play, see what's out there, try to figure out his "cloud" of jumbled up feelings.
Also, it will make him more secretive, which ultimately will add to the erection of a wall rather than tear it down with trust.
I have to let this go. I'm kind of just dealing right now, starting to feel sort of numb. Maybe that's because I just kept thinking , what is the worst that can happen?
What is he going to leave me? He already has. He will go have sex? Probably already has. So why let him know I know? What are the benefits of letting HIM know. For no matter what he says, let's face it, it most likely will be a lie. Another one. Why set him up to lie ?
That is just setting up failure, and I really don't want him to project his guilt onto me right now.
I do need to toughen up. I stood my ground with the back door. I didn't fall apart when he was revealing his " lack of desire " for me.
I actually let him know I wasn't his mom nor therapist. That he'd figure it out. That I had confidence in him, his intelligence.
Yeah it would be nice to be a fly on the wall of the condo. He does give himself away, for so far everything he has volunteered has been him convincing himself out loud.
Starting to pick up on his patterns. Or for those of you who play poker his "tells". I'm going to read more of the Hero's Spouse.
She has a soothing tone in her writing, sometimes she gets a little too creative, but she is helping.
If I can approach this more cognitively rather than emotionally, I may make it through . I had to do that with my first born. With all of her issues, I had to step back and let her fail, I could watch but she had to learn everything the hard way. Reading up on all of her issues kept me from ripping her face off, and gave me the information to feel empathy.
It was ten years of spewing, tantrums, dishonesty, mental chess, and rejection. Of course it helped that I had my H. there to love me or pick up some of the slack.
I want to trust in the process, I want to keep my dignity and self-respect. I hope nothing gets thrown in my face, for that is going to be something that I do not know if I would/could tolerate.
But for this moment , right now, I am going to be still
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
