This boundary is to protect me from her disrespecting me by texting or sexting OM right beside me in the bed that we share. It is also to protect me from engaging in a confrontation every night. She knows this pushes my buttons and continues to do it
I understand the logic believe me.
Does she control your buttons?
Can you rip that f@cking button out so she can't push it?
This is hard I know. It feels like you need a boundary here because she makes you feel like a doormat right?
You are only a doormat if you think you are a doormat.
Who are you giving permission to make you feel like a doormat ?
Your W?
Other people?
I struggled a long time with this one J
Mach can tell you I did. It kept me stuck.
It was the single most painful part of it for me.
Why would you put yourself through all this agony by standing in your M and having a W carrying on with another man right in your own MBR?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Finding myself in all of this is my journey. I am working on that with the help of many of you on here. Along the way, with all of the introspective soul searching that I am doing, there has to be some basic day-to-day boundaries and living that must go on.
I am working on my detachment from "needing" her. I am working on not allowing my every move to be dictated by her selfish actions. I am working on finding understanding and compassion for what she is going through and why she is the person that she is. I am doing all the MLC homework again. I am trying to find peace in the middle of this tornado. I am trying to protect my kids and my finances from the wake of destruction.
^^^And all things considered, you’re doing a damn good job of it. I believe you already know who you are and who you want to be.
Oh sure, you’ll be doing some fine tuning along the way, and that’s great! But in my opinion, you don’t need to go on a year’s long sabbatical, write an autobiography and two novel’s on the meaning of life and love to figure this out and start living. It just doesn't have to be that hard. At some point you have to just get on with being who you want to be and ENJOYING your life.
Good job telling her you don't want that behavior in your bed, and not allowing it to become a fight. Now hold to this request. Bust On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Can you rip that f@cking button out so she can't push it?
Why would you put yourself through all this agony by standing in your M and having a W carrying on with another man right in your own MBR?
Great thoughts. And directly to the point. Right now, the only way that I could rip out that button would be to remove the attachment to her. I know that's my great struggle right now.
I also feel that I am putting myself through this crap because I care deeply for her well being and I believe she is not really this terrible, selfish, person that she is playing as right now. I know the wonderful person she can be by allowing someone into her head and to truly share her life.
At one point during a R talk months ago, she was having a pity party and talking about how terrible a person she was. I told her that I understood why she felt that way, but that this being that she had become was not the true woman. That it was a role she was playing for some reason and the true woman was beautiful and worthy of my love. Her response was that if I could say that and still think that about her, anyone could.
I feel so badly for her. The more I read and try to understand MLC and my own W's reasons for her internal struggles, the more compassion I find. She has never learned to deal with her issues from growing up. She has created these walls around her to protect her because she lacks the ability to cope any other way.
Case in point: We have been together for 20 years. She never told me the details of her rape at age 16 until after BD. I never really asked before, because I felt that if it was something she wanted to relive and share with me, she would choose the time to do so. When she shared, I was devastated and wept for an hour. Her reaction was very matter of fact and I remember her asking me why I was crying. I thanked her for sharing with me and told her I cried because of how much I loved her and to think that she carried that hurt around every day made me hurt for her.
We have been together for 20 years, and it took this moment in her life for her to deal with sharing that with me. I guess she is busy trying to sort out a lot of things. All the while acting out like a little girl trying to get attention.
The gift of time, as Cadet says, is for me to figure out my own issues. I need to work harder. Last night was a bad night.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
^^^And all things considered, you’re doing a damn good job of it. I believe you already know who you are and who you want to be.
Thanks FY. I'm trying. Its just such a roller coaster. I was doing so well trying to find myself and I allowed this one issue to suck me back in to the terrible pattern.
Detachment, Detachment, Detachment. Gotta do better.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Hey J, this is a freakin rollercoaster. Thats for sure.
It is a process. The way to start it is to allow her to walk her journey. Allow her to feel that you heard her.
The key to detaching is to get the mindset that you can only control you. So that means that you do not allow her actions, reactions or words to affect yours.
Each day you be the man you want to be REGARDLESS of her actions.
That should be the goal.
Lovingly let her go to find her own way. It is the ultimate act of love.
just a rule to be laid out. Her responses to me almost seemed childlike. An insight into how her brain is right now.
Her responses were childlike, because that is the way she was being treated.
Rules ?
Is that what YOU want in a relationship ???
Sounds controlling to me...
There is a HUGE difference between being a "man" and being a hard ass....
J, I respect your need for your dignity, and I get that you needed it in this one area.
And I think you are completely missing my point....
My point was it was a boundary that he felt needed to be set. Allowing someone to do something you don't agree with is an assault to the sensibility. If she were to want to murder her neighbor, would you allow that? Could you control it? No, but you could let them know wouldn't participate in it.
Is it a control issue? probably, but there is a fine line between being a doormat and maintaining dignity.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I am not comfortable with texting/FBing/communicating with other people when we are together in the bed that we share. I propose that both of us make the commitment that when we are together in bed, phones go away and communication with others will stop at that point. We should both respect the private nature of our bedroom. It is the most sacred place in our marriage and in our home.
Hey J, wanted to just comment if I may about this. ^^^.
I am not questioning whether you should have set that boundary or not. Your choice, your decision, right?
I do want to say that if it were said to me, I would have found it a bit condescending and controlling. And the reason why you dont want to do it in that way is that I am assuming that is not who you want to be any longer. You were telling her how she should feel. Not your job. Her feelings are her choice.
Mach wrote these guidelines for boundaries. Hope they help. And as I said, be the man you want to be. We teach others how to treat us. And we in turn should treat others how we want to be treated.
Think about , very specifically, what you want boundaries on.
List them out and read them (aloud) to yourself. Sometimes reading them aloud will give you a new perspective on them. If they sound funny , then find out why they do, because they might not be a boundary that you need to relay....or relay in that way.
Make sure, 100%, that your boundaries are NOT for you to "punish" in any way...
Watch how you deliver them. Make sure that you word them without coming across as controlling.
Closely examine the words "you", and "I" . Anytime one uses those words, there is a strong chance of using guilt, or blame.
"Always" and "Never" are words that can make us hypocrites....try to stay away from them as well.
Make sure that YOU feel good about saying them, and they are only to protect your emotional being, or physical in some cases.
Make sure that you are willing to die on that hill. Meaning is it worth it to even state them.
Do NOT overstate them. Say what you want ONCE, and rest on that. Don't explain yourself, you have your reasons, just like they have theirs.
Then you need to back away, and live with those boundaries, and let them live with them. They will cause them to spin a little, but that isn't your problem now.
Use tact, not anger. Tact was described to me as telling someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip.
Be the person that you want to be, regardless of what happens. You are setting a boundary, not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction.
I agree this boundary needs to be set. It's disrespectful and insensitive. You don't need to be treated like this in your home. If she is going to stay in the house, then she must treat you with respect--which she did, by the way, after you drew the line in the sand.
She may have been childish about it, but neither one of you handled particularly well--still, the boundary was set.
I think she deserves an atta boy for listening.
I believe this is all in the approach.
Yes, you could be a real parental-sounding jerk.
Or...
You could guide your sad, childish MLC-ing spouse in this little boundary-setting experiment.
You ARE the grown up right now. She needs you to be the rock, the example of mature, grown up behavior.
BUT you can't lecture of sound like a parental control freak.
How about you practice on here before you talk to her. Remember, you are talking to a child right now.
How about: I know you are going through a difficult time. I care about you and it hurts to see you hurting. I know you see your "friends" as helpful during this time. I respect you needing to make your own decisions on how best to take care of yourself. I really appreciate how you shut down the texting in the bedroom when I was trying to sleep.
Don't beat yourself up. You are obviously taking your marriage very seriously and putting in tons of effort to be a better spouse, person, dad. It shows!!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
