Can you rip that f@cking button out so she can't push it?
Why would you put yourself through all this agony by standing in your M and having a W carrying on with another man right in your own MBR?
Great thoughts. And directly to the point. Right now, the only way that I could rip out that button would be to remove the attachment to her. I know that's my great struggle right now.
I also feel that I am putting myself through this crap because I care deeply for her well being and I believe she is not really this terrible, selfish, person that she is playing as right now. I know the wonderful person she can be by allowing someone into her head and to truly share her life.
At one point during a R talk months ago, she was having a pity party and talking about how terrible a person she was. I told her that I understood why she felt that way, but that this being that she had become was not the true woman. That it was a role she was playing for some reason and the true woman was beautiful and worthy of my love. Her response was that if I could say that and still think that about her, anyone could.
I feel so badly for her. The more I read and try to understand MLC and my own W's reasons for her internal struggles, the more compassion I find. She has never learned to deal with her issues from growing up. She has created these walls around her to protect her because she lacks the ability to cope any other way.
Case in point: We have been together for 20 years. She never told me the details of her rape at age 16 until after BD. I never really asked before, because I felt that if it was something she wanted to relive and share with me, she would choose the time to do so. When she shared, I was devastated and wept for an hour. Her reaction was very matter of fact and I remember her asking me why I was crying. I thanked her for sharing with me and told her I cried because of how much I loved her and to think that she carried that hurt around every day made me hurt for her.
We have been together for 20 years, and it took this moment in her life for her to deal with sharing that with me. I guess she is busy trying to sort out a lot of things. All the while acting out like a little girl trying to get attention.
The gift of time, as Cadet says, is for me to figure out my own issues. I need to work harder. Last night was a bad night.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
