She's doing this sh!t again tonight. I can't even attempt to go to sleep. I'm going with #3. I'll let u know how it all works out. If nothing else, I'm going to sleep.
Decisions made from anger, usually do not work well....
Your emotions will be running high, and it will turn into way more than it needs to be....
It's probably too late to change this one.
In the future, stop, and really take the time to think about WHY you need that boundary ???
I'm not sayin that you shouldn't. I am just sayin that you need to know why, deep down inside why, not a superficial why...
Originally Posted By: Gritter
Boundaries are to protect you not to punish or enforce
What do you need to protection from?
Exactly....
What exactly are your reasons to set this boundary ???
Are you just angry that she is doing this in front of you ?
Are you trying to punish her for her infidelities ???
This is exactly why we have been pushing you to find yourself.
When you stand for something other than yourself, your ideals and values are determined by your investments into them.
When you stand for yourself, then your core values will reflect the person that you want to be....
Unfortunately the decision was made out of frustration and anger. I have thought about this one for quite some time. I wanted to take a stand about this activity because I felt like my lack of a stand was condoning her behavior. I no longer wanted to be a wishy washy doormat when it came to her texting OM right beside me. I felt the need to protect myself from this behavior for a few reasons:
1-It is an act to constantly push my buttons. I cannot afford that nightly, I need to sleep and function daily. It is difficult for me to detach when she is flaunting her actions nightly.
2-The act gives her power to push me out of the MBR in my own house. I do not want to allow her MLC actions the ability to do that.
I tried to carefully make it about our ability to communicate and not make it about OM. I did not want to punish her or even bring up the fact that I know that she has ignored me and texted OM right next to me in our own bed. Bedtime is one of the few times that W and I are together. It is one time that we can communicate and I can practice my new listening/validation skills. If she doesn't want to communicate with me, then she should just leave the room and at least respect my right to get a good night's sleep.
I do not want to be a man that sits idly by and facilitates her destructive behavior. I understand that I cannot control her, but there must be boundaries if we are going to stay in the same house. After finding out that OM has called the house phone as well as her cell, I also felt the need to protect my children form this behavior.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
imo, I think you did well even if it came out of a place from frustration and anger. I think if it is something that you have been thinking about for awhile then it needed to be said. You can't always follow db at times, and some things just need to happen.
Even though you were upset when you said it I thought you handled it quite well. You expressed it in a way that to me didn't seem accusatory, just a rule to be laid out. Her responses to me almost seemed childlike. An insight into how her brain is right now.
There is no way I could have stood for this behavior either. At least it is out of your brain for the moment, and you may have gained back a little respect, if not from her but for yourself. You may have gained some power back, not in a superior way, but in a integrity/dignity standpoint. Not everyone will agree with me on this, but I would have done the same.
Heck, sleep is the most important thing we can do for ourselves right now! Dealing with all this extreme stress!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
1-It is an act to constantly push my buttons. I cannot afford that nightly, I need to sleep and function daily. It is difficult for me to detach when she is flaunting her actions nightly.
2-The act gives her power to push me out of the MBR in my own house. I do not want to allow her MLC actions the ability to do that.
I agree that this ^^^ should happen.....
Although...
Neither of those things happened for you, at least not at first....
1- It DID push your buttons, and you wavered with your answers..
So who is the more at fault, her for the act (which BTW, is pretty script for MLC), or yours, for allowing yourself to be sukced into it ???
YOU are responsible for YOUR actions, not her....
2- She DID push you out of the MBR.
You appeared unsure in your actions AND your words, she smelled YOUR fear, and she circled you like a shark with blood in the water.
Yes, you FINALLY made it back in there. Just realize how much easier it would have been to just be truthful from the start, and say what you really felt at that time. Stand strong, and protect yourself from the inside, without having to go through all of the drama to get there.
I think that this was more about control than anything. Your actions are saying that you want to control her, rather than protecting yourself....
I think the most important thing to me this morning after the fact is that I preserved a little dignity for myself. I would rather be that guy than one that just allows her to trample me on this issue. At least I won't have to sit and think about what she is doing right next to me. If she's in another room doing it, at least I'll be able to sleep comfortably in my own bed.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
I'm glad you feel better about it J, and that you preserved your male dignity; I realize from my own H that respect is very important to men. But I don't agree with this: "At least I won't have to sit and think about what she is doing right next to me." I laid down the law with my H about skyping and texting his OW in the house, and he adheres to my boundary and only does it in his own room now. But it has not helped my sanity the way I thought it would. I do not have to see or hear them talking, but my imagination runs wild!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Mach-I'm in agreement with basically everything you are saying. Problem is that truth would have led to giant argument and R talk again. I attempted to deal with a stressful situation with a little restraint and control. Weeks ago, I would have blown up and accused her of texting OM, given her the opportunity to lie and remind me she doesnt love me, possibly snooped on her phone after she went to sleep, and ended up making myself and her miserable. To what end for myself, my sanity, or my M? I tried to find a way to express my needs without conflict and without accusation.
I am responsible for my own behavior. She is responsible for hers. I did not want to give her a blank check to do it right in my face and disrupt my ability to sleep and function. If she goes into another room to do it while I'm in the bed, at least I can try to sleep. That is for me and me only. I cannot control her, I get that. I even acknowledged the fact that it was important to her right now and that if she felt the need to do it for hours at night, to just respect my need to sleep.
So Mach, what else could I have done? Finding myself in all of this is my journey. I am working on that with the help of many of you on here. Along the way, with all of the introspective soul searching that I am doing, there has to be some basic day-to-day boundaries and living that must go on.
I am working on my detachment from "needing" her. I am working on not allowing my every move to be dictated by her selfish actions. I am working on finding understanding and compassion for what she is going through and why she is the person that she is. I am doing all the MLC homework again. I am trying to find peace in the middle of this tornado. I am trying to protect my kids and my finances from the wake of destruction.
I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything this morning. I had a bad night and allowed my MLC crazy W to get into my head. I set a boundary that will hopefully help me be able to get through nights on a regular basis without losing my focus in anger, frustration, and jealousy.
As long as this behavior was allowed to continue in my face, I felt that I was going to be sucked back in every night. There is a sense of control when it comes to preserving one's dignity. I don't want to be pushed out of my own MBR because I constantly have to ignore her and avoid a fight every night.
Would I have been better to just state my case flatly and brace for the fight? Or simply walk out and give her the space? Or sit and ignore it like I have for the past several weeks? Or refuse to come to bed as long as she is doing this? Or just go on and move out of the house so that I can work on me alone?
Not trying to be difficult. I just need some serious nuts and bolts, every day advice. It was an obstacle, and I tried to find a way to navigate it.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
