H is moving out tomorrow. We agreed we would split the weekends with the kids. He isn't sure which night he wants. His sister is coming to town Saturday. He wants the first night at his new place to be just him and the kids, but he wants his sister to see them too (and they do love her). I am considering offering up both nights to him as a gesture of goodwill. Friday night I can go out with the girls and if he has them both nights, it will give me some time to organize (aka move some of my stuff into H's closet) and probably grieve too. I think it will be hard, but I think it would be nice to offer to H, as I think the "same old" would be me arguing for my own needs and controlling the situation.
Thoughts?
I don't see a downside. Why wouldn't you offer that?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
It's going to be bad enough not having H around (I am dreading it like nothing else), but then not even having the kids . . . I hate it when they even spend the night at a friend's house. I guess I have to get used to it, though.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I've never slept in this house alone. It's gonna be awful.
How do you guys deal with the loneliness? For 13.5 years, H has been with me almost every single night and almost every single weekend. Weekends were for family activities. Now it will be just me and the kids, or me alone. I am used to doing my own thing during the day when H is at work and the kids are at school, and that alone time was great . . . but I knew at the end of the day I'd have my family around. How am I going to fill that enormous hole?
I don't know if I can give up the kids all weekend. But they won't fill the hole left by H anyway. Ugh. I feel like the past 6 weeks have been full of having to decide between multiple awful options. And I am having trouble even deciding which ones are the least crappy.
This s.u.c.k.s.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
It's going to be bad enough not having H around (I am dreading it like nothing else), but then not even having the kids . . . I hate it when they even spend the night at a friend's house. I guess I have to get used to it, though.
Yes.
But you'll get some time to yourself. Time to get stuff done, not have to put on a happy face for the kids and really let your feelings out, time to think clearly about some things, and it'll be good practice for how your weekends will look for a little while.
Originally Posted By: melissag
I've never slept in this house alone. It's gonna be awful.
How do you guys deal with the loneliness? For 13.5 years, H has been with me almost every single night and almost every single weekend. Weekends were for family activities. Now it will be just me and the kids, or me alone. I am used to doing my own thing during the day when H is at work and the kids are at school, and that alone time was great . . . but I knew at the end of the day I'd have my family around. How am I going to fill that enormous hole?
I don't know if I can give up the kids all weekend. But they won't fill the hole left by H anyway. Ugh. I feel like the past 6 weeks have been full of having to decide between multiple awful options. And I am having trouble even deciding which ones are the least crappy.
This s.u.c.k.s.
Yes it does. But you have the chance to come out of this experience a stronger, better person. You also have the choice to NOT come out that way.
-Life dealt you some lousy cards? Play them well.-
I know that some of what this forum provides is a means to vent, and I'm definitely not discouraging you from using it for that, but I am saying that you have to make the best of your situation. Take some time to feel your feelings. It really is okay and understandable and valid to have those feelings. Just don't let them beat you, okay? Don't let them win. You're better than that.
Be sad/mad/bitter/whatever for a little while (never around H or kids, of course - DB101). Then get up, brush yourself off, and march on. We'll be here for you the whole time.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM, thank you for your response. I hear you, and I have decided that I am going to get through this and be strong and come out a better person. I work really hard at having a PMA, and I think I am pretty successful most of the time. I love to come here for encouragement, to be reminded of how to be strong, and also, to vent. Each day feels like a roller coaster of emotions right now. I will be OK for a few hours, and then something hits me and I'm just a mess. Sometimes I am a hysterical crying mess, sometimes just sad, sometimes angry. But yes, it always does get better - I just have to remember that during the moments when I feel hopeless. I am looking forward to the days where I have more PMA time than sad,hurt,angry time. Though I'm pretty sure things are going to get worse before they get better.
DBing is my savior right now . . . it gives me hope and a purpose in a really dark time. And so do the wonderful people on this forum!
I might vent sometimes, but hopefully as time goes on, more of my posts will be about my successes. Stay tuned!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
To help with the PMA write down all the little things you are thankful for. It can be small things like "I am thank full I have running water" or more major like "I am thankful for my wonderful children".
Make it a habit of constantly looking for little things you are thankful for. If your head is full of these positive thoughts there is less room for negative thoughts.
Also, write down a list of all of your positive qualities and keep adding to it.
M 49, W 49 T28 M26 D19 D17 BD July 1, 2013 Separation agreement signed Oct 15, 2013 Still living together
M ... Thinking about you today! Please know that you have lots of people in your corner sending you good wishes and prayers today. It is going to be a hard one, but I can see that you are strong and you truly are going to get through this. You will start to see bright moments/days through this dark time.
It is ok to be a hysterical crying mess sometimes. You need to process the pain and anger. For a few weeks, I tried to bottle it all in. While it felt good for a while, it led to a breakdown in front of H. My IC said that if I did not feel the sadness and pain she would be worried about me because this is all a normal reaction to the trama that we are going through.
You also need to give yourself more credit ... your posts are already filled with successes. I can see in your posts that you understand that you cant fix H. You have a plan and are ready to start walking your own journey. Some people dont even get that far.
OK. He's moved out. He didn't move everything, just the basics. He said he plans to come by and get stuff as he needs it.
Last night, I was brave and offered up the kids for both nights this weekend. That was definitely a 180 for me, as I am usually more protective of my interests . . . he said, "wow!" Then he said, "if we do that, then let's all have dinner together (meaning me, kids, him and his sister who is visiting) and I can cook for everyone at my apartment." I said I'd love to, but want to make sure that he doesn't spend time with me for any reason other than he wants to spend time with me . . . not sure whether that was the right thing to say, but part of his issue with our M is that he feels he spent so long trying to be someone he thought I wanted him to be and being resentful about it . . . I want to make sure he isn't doing that. He said he does want to spend time with me, and that he appreciated me saying that.
Then, he said that he really appreciates how I've been acting about this whole thing and how positive I am and all the changes I have made. He said, "I mean, I actually admire you for it, to an extent." I have to say it really felt good that he acknowledged that, because as you all know, DBing is NOT easy! (Of course, I didn't say that to him, I just said that I have taken a good hard look at myself and am making changes to stop being the yucky person I somehow became.)
So that led to a conversation about us. The summary is, he really likes how things have been the past month or so . . . we agreed we have both been more ourselves and happier. He appeared visibly confused (like, putting his head in his hands and rubbing his hands through his hair and sighing and stuff) and said he just is confused because he can't reconcile the person I was 6 weeks ago with this person I am now. (It has been a big change, but I think it seems even bigger to him, since, at the time of BD, he had pretty much stopped seeing anything good about me and viewed everything through the lens of "she is the source of my misery.") And, that he doesn't know how to know that the person who made him miserable won't come back. I pretty much just told him that I've never done this before - taken a good hard look at myself and faced the good, bad and the ugly, and that I know I will never go back to the way I was before because I didn't like that person, and because it is much easier to just be the person I have been . . . but that I understand that talk is cheap, and no, there is no way he can know, but that he will have to just see for himself. He said that's why he still feels he has to move out, to try to figure this out - and he made it a point to say he wants me to know that he is open to the possibility of figuring things out.
We spent the night together, and this morning joked around and made the morning normal for the kids. The kids and I left before the movers came, and he gave me a big hug. I could feel that I was about to lose it, so I said bye and got in the car with the kids.
OK. So I am feeling hopeful. I am trying to squelch all the bad thoughts I start to think by remembering to be hopeful. I mean, it's true that we needed to do something about the state of our M. He is obviously not to the point where he is committed to working on the M, but the fact that he wants to spend time with me and that he is open to figuring things out between us is light years ahead of where I was just 6 weeks ago when he wanted to divorce me and couldn't do it fast enough.
I am sure that at some point (probably when I tuck the kids in alone or go to bed alone) I will need to let it out, but for now I think I am doing OK keeping a PMA, I will see him tonight because we all do martial arts together twice a week. Tomorrow night I plan to go out with the girls, so you can bet I will be looking damn good when I drop the kids off at his place on the way.
3bm, thank you so much. I truly appreciate your post today - I am sure you know, but wow, it really is a life saver to have these boards and the great people on them. I know that this is going to be really really hard and a huge roller coaster, but I say bring it! I know I will have the support here and that helps tremendously.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Question . . . now that he has moved out, how much should I contact him? I'm so confused right now, because I want to give him his space, but his complaints in the M had to do with not enough affection. He said last night that for a long while he felt like I didn't even like him and would be happier without him. (That really hurt that he said that - was I that awful that I made him feel that way? Ouch.)
So I just feel wrong ignoring him. I'm not sure where to go with this.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
It is such a catch 22 - they want us to need them and appreciate them and on thr other hand they need space.
Before I found dbing, I would call H and he would be defensive and mean be cause I was intruding into his space. Noe i do not contact my H unless it is really necessary. And if I do, it is only about the kids or logistics. I usually send a text.
After H moved out he would email or text me about kid stuff. Overtime he has increased communication and now calls once a day. He has started to call about things unrelated to the kids/logistics. Although I don't contact him i make sure that I am very friendly and happy and supportive when we do talk. It has been working so far and h is reacting in a positive manner. If I know something big is going on with his job I will say something supportive in person . But when he is out of the house I really don't reach out and keep my expectations low as to if he contacts me. It has helped me to start detaching.
