Rolling up my sleeves...

[Breakdown]

Hey Jfun, I see the red pill is fully ingested

You have shifted your focus from "her" to "me" but I see you going back there quite a bit. You answer the questions here, you delve into some self analysis, and then you pop back up and ask something about W.

Unfortunately, that's a very familiar position for me, so I get where you are at. And I can tell you, the sooner you can put your full focus on you, the less stress and drama you will find yourself in. So what do you want? Who do you want to be?

Another thing I see in your thread is the continually testing by your W. Every time she sees something good in you, she'll try to push a button to remind herself of the old you. Recognize that for what it is. Her tactics will continually change in an effort to get that justification from you.

It seems that every hat I wear in my life seems to be for someone else. Husband, father, job, etc. I know these are roles that we all play, but they are all in service to others.

I think that is huge that you see that. It's the starting point. When I asked above, "who do you want to be?" the follow-up to that is "for you." It's not a dad for my kids, a husband for my wife, a professional for my associates, etc. It's for you.

I need to learn to be my own person independent of the marriage that I've created.

Again, excellent start. This is where you find you again. It's where you start to take control of who you are instead of just existing, instead of blaming others, instead of making excuses.

You are getting excellent advice her, and Mach can make your brain hurt with the best of them I think when he first started talking to me, it all began with a question as simple as:

"What do you want to work on? What changes in yourself do you want to make?"

Have you answered those questions for you?

[JFun51]

Practical question about boundaries:

W's texting/FBing/messaging while I try to go to sleep beside her in bed is a problem. She is trying to push my buttons. I have begun to ignore this behavior and see it for what it is worth. However, if she is texting, messaging OM from the bed right beside me, I cannot stand for that.

Question is: How do I set this boundary without giving her the reaction that she desires? If I ask her to keep this out of our bed, she will see it as having achieved desired effect of pushing my buttons. I want to explain that it is disrespectful and I would like her to keep that bah avoid out of the BR where I am sleeping.

[Pudmuddle]

I think that definitely calls for a boundary to be set. How annoying is that! That is completely disrespectful.

I'm not sure how to word it. Why don't you put here what you might say as a boundary? Then we can comment on that.

[JFun51]

Try these on:

1-I understand that FBing and texting friends is important to you right now. I would like it if you refrained from doing so at night in our bed so that we can both sleep and be ready for our day.

2-I would like for us to maintain our BR as a place for communication between us when it is appropriate. I believe that our texting/FBing and ignoring one another is not productive.

3-I am not comfortable with texting/FBing/communicating with other people when we are together in the bed that we share. I propose that both of us make the commitment that when we are together in bed, phones go away and communication with others will stop at that point. We should both respect the private nature of our bedroom. It is the most sacred place in our marriage and in our home.

Suggestions are welcome.

[JFun51]

She's doing this sh!t again tonight. I can't even attempt to go to sleep. I'm going with #3. I'll let u know how it all works out. If nothing else, I'm going to sleep.

[Truegritter]

J how did it go?

Problem with this boundary is enforcing it.

What if she doesn't stop? What is the consequence?

There are some things you just can't tip toe around and this may be one of them. She is going to get mad when you put your foot down on this one.

She will see you as controlling.

They feel very entitled to what they are doing.

Are you prepared to sleep in another bed?

Is it the noise she makes or the idea that she is carrying on in your marital bed right next to you?

Boundaries are to protect you not to punish or enforce

What do you need to protection from?

[RosaLinda]

How did it go JF? What did you end up saying? As TrueGritter said, boundaries are meant to protect us. Do you have a guest room you could move to, or ask her to move to, it W refuses to stop texting OM in your bed?

[JFun51]

I suggested to W that when it becomes bedtime the I thought it would be great if we protected that time for our own personal communication and our own sleep. I admitted that I had done the same thing at times (not really). I said that I felt like either one of us communicating with someone else for an extended period of time in our bed beside of the other one was rude.

She of course said that she was texting BFF late because BFF didn't have to work this morning. W asked me if it was bothering me and not letting me sleep. I reiterated that I would like for our bedroom and bedtime to be reserved for our own communication and sleep regardless of who is on the other end of the phone. I suggested that when it becomes time for us to settle in, that we both put phones away and take that time for what it is supposed to be.

W asked again if it was bothering me and not letting me sleep. Then asked me if she was supposed to go into another room to text when I came to bed. I could feel the rage building in me, so I removed myself from the room as she giggled about whatever was on her phone. I returned after a few minutes and simply said "Yes."

W-"You want me to leave the room to text her?"

JF-"I understand that texting/messaging/FBing is very important to you, but I believe our bedroom at bedtime is an inappropriate place for it."

W-"If you wanted me to leave the room, then why did you leave a minute ago?"

JF-"I did not want to fight with you."

W-"I guess I'll just leave the room."

JF-"Thank you for respecting that."

W went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth and came right back to bed and stopped texting immediately.

I resisted the urge to make her admit that she had been texting OM right beside me and how rude, irrational, and disrespectful that was. I simply made it about protecting bedtime and our MBR. I was able to avoid OM talk and avoid confrontation in general.

Of course, there was no smiley "Goodbye" this morning.

If nothing else, last night she cut the dang light off, put the phone away, and I got some sleep. We will see how this works out.

[JFun51]

Truegritter-I am prepared for her to sleep in another room. She has turned our MBR into her lair for the last 6 months. This is the place where she resides for 99.9% of the time she is at home. Anyone who wants to see her, speak to her, etc. has to go in there to do so. Our boys have become accustomed to it at this point, especially S10 who is very attached to her and will go in there just to spend time with her.

This boundary is to protect me from her disrespecting me by texting or sexting OM right beside me in the bed that we share. It is also to protect me from engaging in a confrontation every night. She knows this pushes my buttons and continues to do it every night.

If she refuses to respect this boundary, I will ask her to move into our game room/guest room. I do not want to give her the power to force me out of my own bedroom. I have refused to give up and leave the house. I have refused to give up and leave the bed. A man has to have some dignity.

[LoisB]

What about sending her a text or something, telling her how much you appreciated her putting the electronic junk away for the night?

"I slept better last night. I really appreciate you helping me with that."

Throw Pavlov a bone?

Heather