Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
H texted yesterday to ask if for his birthday dinner he could bring take-out to our house tomorrow. I checked S15's busy socical schedule and got an ok from him, so I replied to H, Wednesday is good cu then.
Two days notice, good. Kids celebrate birthday, good.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hope all goes well Ad. I like what Bug said about letting what is supposed to happen, happen.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Well thanks for writing here! I'm enjoying a glass of wine now that h left.
It was just dinner. It was fine. H brought good food, cracked some jokes, and i filled him in on news of the kids.
One funny. I'm in touch with his cousin, from our girl cousins beach weekend, so she emailed me when we didnt respond to her daughter's wedding invitation, which had been addressed to h so it went go him with his other mail, and i decided the boys and i will go. We rsvp'd yesterday. H brought it up like "oh hey do you remember little L, my cousins daughter? She's getting married!" And i said, i know, we just rsvpd that we're going to attend." Wow did he look surprised! He does not want to go so it's just us three.
S15 doesnt want to go, weddings are horrible and family is boring. For him, i made an executive decision and he's going. This part of the family is very nice and we only see them at life milestones. S15 is probably wondering why dad gets to skip it lol.
I praised s15's new driving skills so h took him out in the sedan. H said he did well. S and i have talked about this and s felt dad was going to just tell him everything he did was wrong. I'm glad they did this.
We got h's favorite pumpkin pie and a starbucks card and a silly birthday card signed by the three of us. He seemed to like that.
When he left he gave me a bunch of money to use either to beef up my small donation i have for the lacrosse team or else to use for our hotel for the tournament this weekend. That was nice but it is also awkward for me to accept cash from him. I will though, gratefully, and use it for the kids. They are getting the short end of the stick in our inability to be married to each other.
Sounds like he wont make it to the three tournaments this weekend. We have two sets of playoffs saturday and a tourn about an hour away on sunday.
So i guess this is all good. Boring probably. H and i always were pretty steady and pragmatic, which sounds boring. But he's being nice to me and i'm being nice to him, and our kids can see that life is going to go on.
I didn't approach any of this evening as either positive or negative progress toward or away from reconciling. We aren't reconciling. We're just learning how to be civil friendly separated people. All it means is that we have a better shot at a good life than if we were hateful to each other; but that doesn't mean we have a shot at reconciling. For now just learning how to not feel awkward around each other is probably as good as we could expect.
I have ambivalent feelings about saying never. I for sure am never going back to the r we had before. But i wouldn't turn away a genuine outreach from h without giving him a chance. I changed a lot; who am i to predict that he could never? But i won't imagine change in him, it would have to be really overt. I don't expect it. I barely think it's possible. But i won't presume to say it's impossible. I just think eventually the divorce will get finished and i'll move on in my romantic and financial life as i have already moved on in my day to day personal and parenting life. For now the door is open just a hairline crack. I'm not actively working to get back the abusive guy, i'm just observing in case he ends up showing signs of change. Oh well, it seems like it takes more words to explain the very subtle and low priority shades of this sitch, and then by the time i'm done it looks like i'm focusing all my attention there. That's not the case; i just search for words to explain how i don't want h back but cannot honestly say that i wouldn't allow him back. It doesnt mean i think he'll even want to come back or that i'll even want him if he tries to change. I am on much surer footing when i'm focused on what i'm doing to make myself better and letting him be...whatever he is.
By the way a friend suggested maybe taking an opportunity to praise h for "how good it is that we can hang out with the kids and be civil unlike some other divorcing people" to give positive feedback and let him know he's not going to get misinterpreted as pursuing just for showing up at his kids events. I might, but will save it for a future time.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi Advina... its great that you guys can have a dinner together. Thats nice. I agree with your friend, a positive note to tell him that you appreciate that you are getting along vs. "other separated people" might go a long way and he may infact turn up at kids events.
Enjoy the wine! Its the best part!!
MM
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Just to show i'm not so self actualized as all that, i'll add that he did say, as he was walking out the door,
Don't lose that money i gave you!
Doh!
But it didnt piss me off today i just said ok i wont.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I swear on a stack of bibles that your sitch reminds me so much of my own way back when. It's eerie.
The only thing I can say is if you can have a friendship with him that suits you both AND helps your kids bridge that chasm between having an intact home and a separated one, well.... Go you! Look, I don't have a crystal ball or anything, but no matter what the outcome will be, it's worthwhile.
My D was final in 2005. Eight years later we forged a friendship that we both enjoy. In the beginning, we went through the motions for the girls. Now that D19 has flown the coop, well, surprise! We're still friends. He came over after he flew in from DC last night, poured a glass of wine and sat down and got caught up with me after 10 days of being in your neck of the woods. And guess what? We're not ever getting back together and I like our life this way. He makes an effort to treat me with respect, and I try to do the same for him. If I had to get a divorce, I wouldn't trade what we have for anything. And the person who is the most grateful is D19.
So really. Go you! Every thing you do, your sons are paying attention. You are their role model in how to treat their dad.... The person who hurt you. The same person who committed to you and them. And they're paying very close attention. The good news? You're frigging awesome! You're acing the test and you might not know that yet. But you are.
I am awarding you the blue ribbon of the week. Cause you deserve it.
Back to the wine, already in progress!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
