PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[job]

Ambivalent,
I agree, i.e., no major decision making while you are fragile and spinning. However, you need to think about yourself right now. You need to take care of Ambivalent and get back on your feet. You are number one and the most important person right now. If you don't take care of yourself, who will?

You can't put the relationship first this time. Why? Because you need to heal yourself before even thinking about trying to heal the marriage. If something should transpire and a divorce comes into play, your daughters are old enough to find a way to work through it. It may not be pretty, but there's no way that you will be able to shield them from it. They both may need some counseling in order to find a way to bridge the gap w/their father, but that will be up to them to work out w/him.

If and when you are up to it, I strongly urge you to read some of the other threads so that you can become familiar w/the other posters and their situations. Also, the archives have a lot of great information there.

It's important that your counselor work w/you on your issues and deal w/the marriage portion later on. You first need to find a way to balance yourself and get a good footing once again.

I posted quite a bit on one of makingmagic's threads about detaching. If you would like that information, I'll try to track it down and give you the link to it. Detaching isn't easy and it takes a while to get the hang of it. Detaching is for you so that you can learn how not to react to their crazy making behavior, but yet, keep your sanity in the process.

Take it one minute at a time, one day at a time. Make a list of those items that you need to do and only do those that are extremely important, such as studying and preparing for your test, etc. As you accomplish those tasks, check them off. It's better to do the list in bits and pieces.

[RosaLinda]

Hi Amba, yes, my H and I are a bit old for a mid life crisis, huh? Unless he plans on living to 120

He has lived in our home the whole time. I found out about his affairs by snooping. It was a strange story, but I guess all MLCers stories are odd.

My H is of Lithuanian descent. He's been sick since 2008 and unable to work, and decided to take up the hobby of learning Russian so his dad and he could go visit Lithuania, and joined this email pen-pal service called the Language Exchange, which hooks up people who want to learn each other's language. He got lots of Russian friends. Two of them even came to NY to visit us, and were lovely.

One woman became his best friend, as they were both laid up after surgery, him after badly breaking his leg and being on bedrest for 6 months, and her after having colon cancer. He had a lot of friends, but this woman and he became really close, and talked on skype every day. She was my friend too, a lovely married woman a couple of years older than us.

First H's dad died, and then his best friend died in Aug 2009, and by the next month, he started talking to one of his other Russian friends, a widow (who was also a friend of mine) every day, and started acting cold and nasty and dissatisfied with every thing I did. He gave me the old "I love but..." speech in Jan 2010, but swore that there was nothing between this woman and him. So...I did what any pre-DB wife would do, and read (and printed out) all of his emails between him and this woman. It turned out they were having a torrid online sexual affair, which started less than 2 weeks after his friend died. She and I had been friendly, but he told her that I was a cheating liar, and had cheated on him our entire married life

I confronted him about it, and he told me that it is not what I thought, not what it looked like. That she did not mean anything to him, etc etc. But they kept up this skype sex for 2 years, until Sept 2011. What happened then was his EA sent him a message meant for another man while they were skyping I do not understand to this day why he thought that she should be faithful to him while he was living at home with his wife. He broke it off with her, and we resumed our marital relationship.

But for the next year, H had EA after EA, multiple short ones, sometimes a couple at a time. He told all of them the same lie about me having affairs, and told each one he was in love with her. I guess women in Russia are desperate to escape from there, because they all fell for his line and made plans to become the next Mrs. RosaLinda. But he dropped each one in a month or two. Now I think he was enjoying that limerance, new love, infatuation thing with them.

Last summer he met the Russian Tramp, and she became one of his pen pals. He told me in August that he was not going to talk to her any more, she was very aggressive and wanted him to divorce me and marry her. Or alternately find a man she could pay to marry her so she could get a green card. H amazingly turned back into my old beloved H, and I swear that he loved me. Then RT came back into his life this past January. He told me that she had contacted him and said that she missed him, and that he was going to start skyping with her again.

Well RT went back to Plan A, H divorcing me, and they resumed their EA. She came to NY to meet him for 2 weeks in March. I invited her to our home, as did his mom, but she refused. He told me that she was going to stay in the NY City, and that they would go on day trips together, but he changed his mind and drove her all over the east coast, down to Washington DC, and up to Niagara Falls, and points in between. She went back home to Moscow on St. Patrick's Day. He swore nothing had happened between them sexually, and I sort of believed him.

He acted like my normal MLC H, half loving and half cold, until April 12th, when an email from him to her somehow magically appeared on my phone, saying how he missed her soft kisses and beautiful body. So I hit the roof and confronted him again. He told he he thinks he is in love with her, not sure, she is pressuring him to leave me, he does not know what he wants to do and asked me to give him time. The choices were to live together as friends or divorce and marry her. But he said he realized if he did that, she in turn would divorce him when she got a green card. But he might do it, because he did not want to hurt her. Typical confused MLC thinking.

She started really pressuring H to divorce me. He went over to stay in Moscow with her for a month of fun and frolic in Sept, and then gave me BD # 3, all the same bull crap again. H told me that RT had given him a deadline to inform me that he is divorcing me, he had until the day he came back home, Oct. 2nd. He finally told me about this on Oct 15th. He said he still does not know what to do, he loves me, and wants her.

So we are in limbo still. I'm waiting it out. He cannot get her a green card even if they do marry because the INS requires someone to earn the poverty limit, which is $19,500, before they will give an alien spouse a green card. I told her that last week when we had that screaming fight (I screamed, she smirked) on skype, but she has not dropped him yet, so I guess he smoothed her over with a bunch of lies. As usual.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it I'm sorry for inflicting all that on you. I guess a simple yes, he still lives here, I learned about the As by snooping would have been sufficient. Sorry.

[Ambivalent]

Thank you Job,

I agree, the list she gave me doesn't apply to where I am or we are. I believe it is more for people who are working as a couple. That in and of it's own hurts.

You are right I am broken. It is as I'm another person. I am not myself and do feel lost, weak and very unstable. I can be doing something around the home, driving down the road, or be at school, and just burst into tears. I've wailed, and I haven't wailed like that since I had to put down a 5.75 year old yorkie who had heart failure.

It is gut wrenching and even frightening to hear myself.

Yes, thank you anything specific on detaching and letting go would be very much appreciated. I yearn for control over my emotions, and fear that I am losing myself in all of this chaos and stress.

Thanks again everyone, I know I'm a blubbering fool right now...I am trying as much as I can right now.

[job]

Here's a what I found on detachment on another site:

"Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you."

If you will do a search for "Developing Detachment", you'll find some good stuff out there. If you can't locate the site that I copied this from, please let me know and I'll continue to copy some of the other information on detachment for you.

[indigo1]

That is some pretty good info for all of us going thru this crap right now. Really breaks down detachment well.

[Ambivalent]

RL

Thank you for sharing your story. I don't know how you are doing it.

It is so exhausting and there is no reward along the way to keep one going. With raising children, we get a hug, a look of love...we get to see growth and then we get to see the love we gave given to another.

It is tough getting hit in the gut with the receipt and then him telling me to start paying a bill. It isn't as if I hadn't said many times along our marriage, " do you want me to go back to work?" or " Do you want me to get a job ? " Now with him gone and me going to school, and working pt. I feel such pressure.

It's as if he wants me to be miserable, yet he spent over 300.00 in one evening just in the clothes. Who knows what else he spent that night? I also don't like that I have no access to the checking acct.

I can write checks but he knows everything I'm doing with money, yet I have no idea what he's doing. I'm sure he feels entitled to do what he wants, and he is the breadwinner, he should have fun or be able to release. It is just so awkward to know and not be able to say...perhaps buying clothes for (whomever) would help with our bills while I'm still in school.

That would go over like a lead balloon. Crap, I'm doing it again...

I have such a hard time believing that what he's doing is okay because he's hurting and confused. I am hurting and confused and I'm not screwing around. I'm not in bars, or happy hours. I'm not looking to get laid, drunk, stoned, or party with people younger than I.

Why is it that they think this is okay; that because they are angry , hurt, depressed, anxious, and or confused , everyone close to them are just supposed to suffer their selfishness?

I guess I'll never know. I know my girls are older, but believe me, it affects them and will affect their relationships in the future. This is something that truly saddens me.

I also know that I'll never marry again. I can't, I can't take the chance of losing what little I'll have left. I feel like no matter what happens I'm trapped. If it stays the way it is, I'm trapped in limbo. If he gets a divorce, I'm trapped financially, and the holidays are no longer whole, our family is forever fractured. I feel as if I'm being ostracized from family, due to this separation.

How does anyone forgive this? Forgive someone being sexually intimate with another while still married? How does he refer to me as his wife, and talk about me and himself to people at work ? He filled out insurance forms, life insurance forms, etc etc. and he is living almost 2hours away?

I'm venting...I'm trying to get it all out of me so I can move forward. I'm one of those that needs answers. I wish I were not curious, and didn't care. I wish I could just let go and say " WHATEVERRRR "...

Going to the gymn and get on the stupid elliptical...I hate that too! I hate everything right now, myself, my attitude, my outlook on the future two months...bleck.


By the by...my grandmother lived to 110, so I hope you get happier days ahead. You're also lucky, you have grandchildren!

[Ambivalent]

Back from gymn. Really forced myself to go, very glad I did and it's over.

I have missed to many times and I should go, if not to just get a little self esteem boost.

Watching bison laying their scent and siverbacks procreate on Nature tonight,

[makingmagic]

Hi Ambiv.... exciting nite tonight huh? I hear ya.

I have decided to occupy my mind with paperwork!! I have been procrastinating about. Then I will watch Californication, which I was advised to watch by my IC... maybe you should give it a try. I think when I started to, thats when the shift in myself began to happen.

Lemme know if you watch!

MM

[Ambivalent]

Californication? What is it about?

[uRworthy]

A, I want you to know I understand your fears completely. I had them all myself.

I wanted to tell you a little bit about me. My xh cheated on me with his gf from 30 years ago. He slept with her on our 25th wedding anniversary. He amassed $60,000 in credit card debt. I knew nothing about it, but, I owe half. He invaded our retirement funds. I couldnt do anything about it because we were married. My financial future is dire to say the least.

My only child was deeply affected by all this. Both he and I have a progressive, degenerative neuromuscular disease. He also has several other serious health issues.

My job is considered part time and does not have health benefits.

My xh was unemployed at the time of our divorce. He lied about having secured employed in another state 5 hours away. I owe more money than I care to say out loud. I too suffered from depression and anxiety.

I am telling you all this because I know that your fears are real. As I said, I have had them.

I thought I was not going to make it through all this. I thought my son was not going to make it through. But we did.

And you will, too.

I am like you in that I want to understand things. I want to have explanations for them.

I no longer do. I accept that there are some things I just wont understand. There are some answers I wont get.

And that is ok. The reason is that whether I understand them or have the answers doesnt change the outcome. So, I have learned to let them go.

So, if I can say one thing to you it is to not get ahead of yourself. Try to get through this day and then the next. Dont look too far into the future right now.

You need to get on steady ground first.

Now is not the time to think about whether you will ever marry again.

And now is not the time to figure out if you can forgive him. People do survive infidelity. But, you are not at that point yet.

I dont like to read that you hate yourself. That doesnt serve you well. You are grieving. Be kind to yourself.

You do what you can. Dont worry about what he wants right now. You finish school first. Then decide what you want to do next.
If he doesnt like it, his problem.

Take care of you.