PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[Ambivalent]

RL

Thank you for sharing your story. I don't know how you are doing it.

It is so exhausting and there is no reward along the way to keep one going. With raising children, we get a hug, a look of love...we get to see growth and then we get to see the love we gave given to another.

It is tough getting hit in the gut with the receipt and then him telling me to start paying a bill. It isn't as if I hadn't said many times along our marriage, " do you want me to go back to work?" or " Do you want me to get a job ? " Now with him gone and me going to school, and working pt. I feel such pressure.

It's as if he wants me to be miserable, yet he spent over 300.00 in one evening just in the clothes. Who knows what else he spent that night? I also don't like that I have no access to the checking acct.

I can write checks but he knows everything I'm doing with money, yet I have no idea what he's doing. I'm sure he feels entitled to do what he wants, and he is the breadwinner, he should have fun or be able to release. It is just so awkward to know and not be able to say...perhaps buying clothes for (whomever) would help with our bills while I'm still in school.

That would go over like a lead balloon. Crap, I'm doing it again...

I have such a hard time believing that what he's doing is okay because he's hurting and confused. I am hurting and confused and I'm not screwing around. I'm not in bars, or happy hours. I'm not looking to get laid, drunk, stoned, or party with people younger than I.

Why is it that they think this is okay; that because they are angry , hurt, depressed, anxious, and or confused , everyone close to them are just supposed to suffer their selfishness?

I guess I'll never know. I know my girls are older, but believe me, it affects them and will affect their relationships in the future. This is something that truly saddens me.

I also know that I'll never marry again. I can't, I can't take the chance of losing what little I'll have left. I feel like no matter what happens I'm trapped. If it stays the way it is, I'm trapped in limbo. If he gets a divorce, I'm trapped financially, and the holidays are no longer whole, our family is forever fractured. I feel as if I'm being ostracized from family, due to this separation.

How does anyone forgive this? Forgive someone being sexually intimate with another while still married? How does he refer to me as his wife, and talk about me and himself to people at work ? He filled out insurance forms, life insurance forms, etc etc. and he is living almost 2hours away?

I'm venting...I'm trying to get it all out of me so I can move forward. I'm one of those that needs answers. I wish I were not curious, and didn't care. I wish I could just let go and say " WHATEVERRRR "...

Going to the gymn and get on the stupid elliptical...I hate that too! I hate everything right now, myself, my attitude, my outlook on the future two months...bleck.


By the by...my grandmother lived to 110, so I hope you get happier days ahead. You're also lucky, you have grandchildren!