Second MLC?? Is that possible?

[AJM]

I'm sorry to hear about how he's treating you. If I think back to my own situation and how things played out, I think it's kind of to be expected in these situations. It seems to me that they are trying to shed their pain. To blame it on "something" or someone. I can look back now, over the years (and my ex still tries to hurt me from time to time) I can feel empathy for the amount of pain they go through. To me, it seems that she wanted to run away. To live a different life. From there, there is guilt and pain at the breakup of the marriage and a lot of self-loathing. Once, my ex told me she never loved me and that I deserved better. She doesn't remember doing that. Nor does she seem to remember re-remembering the past. That's how difficult it all is. The mind has a way of blocking some things out and re-writing some things to assist them in their journey. Me being me, I poked the bear a few times. That was part of my learning what was going on.

Believe me when I tell you, a 180 degree turn like that is not something that they ask for. A MLCr doesn't ask for nor choose this pain in the normal sense. We on the outside see an easy way out. Stop doing that and talk to me. They don't see that. At least not easily. They see a different solution.

The difference for them is that if you are at fault, then they feel justified to others and even themselves. So they go to great lengths to make it your fault. I watched that happen over the course of a very long couple of years. The bottom line is that my ex wanted out. To have a different life, but needed it to be for a reason. That led to making it my fault and the truth didn't need to be part of the conversation.

That's the kind of mentality you're up against. They are driven to leave and to search for their "reasons" at all costs. And all the best lies have a grain of truth. The ones that aren't that great a lie, often get forgotten by the MLCr. They may regret it later. They may not.

What to do about it? First off, realize it's not about you. Second, realize you can't understand what he does not understand himself. The things he says or does are not about you; they are about something or someone else. We talk about detachment because it's then that you insulate yourself from that "junk" that they spew. They are accountable for their choices, but you are the last person who can do much about it. They have to do it on their own. If you get close, you'll feel the meat grinder turned toward you. If you move to a safe distance (emotionally) you can be there, but not get pummeled by their junk. It's your best option in my opinion.

Empathy. Grace. Detachment. It's very helpful to practice those things.

Peace,
AJ