What would be your signal that it's time to dip a toe in that water?
What would you need to hear from him?
God, that's a tough question. I think that I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing, and pushing him back into his tunnel, that I'm just waiting for him to make that move.
I really just need to know that his feelings for me and our M mean more to him than his feelings for OW. And that's broad, I know. Perhaps if his level of contact becomes consistently like the contact he's had this past week, I would feel it's time to start asking some open-ended questions about the future.
Let me throw something out. There were a couple of things that I heard him say this weekend over the course of our conversations: 1)when he was talking about the gym he joined in (town he's currently in), he mentioned that they were hopefully opening one in (town where our home is); 2)he commented no less than half a dozen times, in several different ways, on how much he disliked the town he's in. Now, I want to avoid mind-reading, but could he be trying to open the door to get me to invite him back into our home? I just don't know. I mean, he is still VERY focused on his job right now, seems to have no intention of leaving it atm, and that town is where the job is.
he commented no less than half a dozen times, in several different ways, on how much he disliked the town he's in. Now, I want to avoid mind-reading, but could he be trying to open the door to get me to invite him back into our home? I just don't know. I mean, he is still VERY focused on his job right now, seems to have no intention of leaving it atm, and that town is where the job is.
You're right, don't mind read and do you notice how you jumped right in to fixing things for him or thinking of fixing things? You're not even sure what he meant and you have an answer. You're skipping information gathering. I know this because I do it. Much less than I used to but I still have the tendency.
What did you say or ask when H said those things about where he's living? This is a good place to use open-ended questions or reflecting, It sounds as if you're not really happy with Town, tell me more.
Of course, come up with what is natural for you but open up the conversation. You might be surprised at what you learn.
As I'm writing this, I'm realizing I've fallen down in doing this more with my S20. We are all learning all the time.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You're absolutely right, bug. I will work on my information gathering, Thanks for the nudge!
Life is getting super busy for me now - Halloween, volunteering, S's doctor appointment this week, holidays approaching, etc. I'm not going to have a lot of time to think about what H is doing, and that's a good thing. For now, I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing - let him initiate contact; keep things friendly and light; focus on me and S.
I took S to the doctor, and he was diagnosed with depression. I suspected this was the case, but was hoping it wasn't. The doctor prescribed low-dose Prozac daily, along with counseling. We have a long road ahead of us, but I will do everything in my power to help him beat this. It just hurts my heart to see him like this. Now that H has(FINALLY)replaced his cell phone, he intends to call/text S every day. Hopefully, that will raise his spirits a little.
H has contacted me a couple of times over the past few days. We even had a fun text exchange on Halloween. He texted asking how Halloween was going, and I sent him a pic of S in his costume. He said he loved it, and I told him I couldn't believe that I actually sewed some of it (I am NOT a very craft-y person). We went back and forth on that - it was light and jokey and fun. He wants to come over tomorrow to spend the morning with us. The fact that he is willing to leave the kitchen in the hands of his staff, even just for a couple of hours, is a pretty big step for him.
My S20 has depression along with a couple of other things. If you haven't already, educate yourself about it. Many times the things we think are helpful, aren't. The tough thing with our children at that age is letting go. But they are in control.
Good luck and hugs to you, you can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You're skipping information gathering. I know this because I do it. Much less than I used to but I still have the tendency.
