Where am I at?

[AnotherStander]

The other thing is to be able to separate my feelings. Right now I don't seem to know the difference between anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness ect. It seems like when I feel one of these it always comes out to be anger.

Personally the book "The Happiness Trap" really helped me understand and address my emotions early in my sitch.

Just wondering at what point do you cut your losses and maybe look for someone else?

I think a lot of people do this too early. Realistically it often takes over a year before a WAS might start softening to the LBS, but most LBS's start looking for a new mate long before that.

Maybe there is someone else that you are more compatable with and have a healthier relationship.

It takes 6 months or more to determine if you are really compatible with someone new. Usually things fizzle around then, because the chemical "in love" feelings go away and you're left with all the faults and annoyances that you were willing to ignore up until then. After you've invested 6+ months just to learn you're not compatible, you may have caused irreversible damage to your reconciliation chances. I think you need to decide if you're standing for your M, and if you are, then you need to invest the time and trust that you can always find someone later if things don't work out.

[Icecoldw]

Thanks all for the replies, it helps me get another perspective on what I am thinking. I think last night I just started to feel sorry for myself and that feeling snowball into anger.

How do you get a positive mental attitude without setting expectations?

[Icecoldw]

How did I handle the sitch. Called the w and asked why she was delaying filing, was it all about the 401, maybe we would get more back on taxes this year? She first said it was that she thought I was pulling out the 401 but to be honest I don't care about the 401, there's not that much in there. I told her I was waiting on a court order, and that I was not going to pull it out to be vendictive. She then said that she didn't want to file right now was because if she moved out and decided that if that wasn't what she really wanted she could come back. I know do not get my hopes up, no expectations. My responce was that I was kind of hoping that was the reason, and that i know it must be hard for her to think about what she wants when she is by herself during the week and then on the weekends I'm home. I told her I am trying to give her her space to decide what's she wants with out trying to control or push an outcome. I Told her that i realize what she is going through must be difficult.

[AnotherStander]

How did I handle the sitch. Called the w and asked why she was delaying filing, was it all about the 401, maybe we would get more back on taxes this year? She first said it was that she thought I was pulling out the 401 but to be honest I don't care about the 401, there's not that much in there. I told her I was waiting on a court order, and that I was not going to pull it out to be vendictive. She then said that she didn't want to file right now was because if she moved out and decided that if that wasn't what she really wanted she could come back. I know do not get my hopes up, no expectations. My responce was that I was kind of hoping that was the reason, and that i know it must be hard for her to think about what she wants when she is by herself during the week and then on the weekends I'm home. I told her I am trying to give her her space to decide what's she wants with out trying to control or push an outcome. I Told her that i realize what she is going through must be difficult.

Kudos to you, that's awesome DB'ing You did everything right. Well done! It's fine to have hope, just try not to have expectations. Do you understand the difference?

[sandi2]

She then said that she didn't want to file right now was because if she moved out and decided that if that wasn't what she really wanted she could come back.

I know how you answered, but how do you really feel about that statement?

[Icecoldw]

Anotherstander thanks, yes I know the difference just don't want to get my hopes up because then I think I will try to push. It helps when there is no anger and you can think with a clear head and no emotions attached.

[Icecoldw]

Went to talk with my pastor last night, he is good friends with her mom and step dad. He didn't tell me any thing that they said, but he did say there may be a glimpse of hope and a hypothetical about leaving and regret that maybe some one is starting to reflect.

I think I still have a long road in front of me because I don't think I have changed enough or strong enough to handle the answers to my questions that I have for her.

Have you ever noticed when you are in a routine that you can over look a lot of little things in life and when that routine is messed you you noticed every thing. Example: like the bottom of a night stand drawer slightly open with a piece of clothing sticking out. Knowing what's in that drawer and that she hasn't worn those things for you in a long time. I know there are two explanations, one that is the truth and one that covers up the truth. I know I will not get the answers to the many questions that I have right now or if I will ever get the answers. I know I have to just let go and not think about those things. I think it would be easier if she was not here, right now I keep wondering every day that when I come home is she still here or is this the day that she left and if she is still here, is tomorrow the day she is going to be gone

[Icecoldw]

Sandi2 it makes me feel like a second option, like I am a back up plan, like my best isn't good enough, like if she comes back she is settling. I'm really tired, tired f the pain, tired of not knowing when she is going to leave or if she s going to file, tired of no communication and have tons of questions that are going unanswered or can't believe I am getting a truthful answer. I'm getting tired of talking about my sitch and having people wanting to know what going on.

I know something is going on and that is why her cell phone and ipad are locked. At times I feel this whole mlc is an excuse to be selfish and not to be held accountable for your actions. There have been times I have thought about being with someone else and have been attracted to someone but have never acted on the impulse, and trust me there were times in the military. She often accussed me of not loving her and that I would be the ome to have an affair, and if I did, she would cut off my manhood. She would get extremely jealous to the point that if we were watching tv I would look away if a woman in a bikini would come on the screen, if we were out I would look at the ground so I would not be accussed of looking at other woman. Now she tells me she is attracted to other men and I do nothing sexually for her. She see.s to be doing every thing she accused me of and I never did any of it, might have thought it but never acted on it.

Wow, I tkink that question touched a nerve and I just vented some pent up resentment and anger. I m not tring to sound like a victim because I know I let those things happen to me and I am mad at myself for being weak.

I have thought about writing her a letter and letting her know that I not going to wait so she doesn't think I am an escape plan but at times I think that is controlling the sitch. I just know at this moment if there is another person I don't want to be the one to have to help her put the pieces back together. I don't think I'm that strong or if I really want to.

[Icecoldw]

If you can't tell I'm not use to dealing with my emotins and when I fell them I get over whelmed. I am also scared that if she leaves, my heart will harden and if she wanted to get back together that I will become the was

[PatientMan]

Went to talk with my pastor last night, he is good friends with her mom and step dad. He didn't tell me any thing that they said, but he did say there may be a glimpse of hope and a hypothetical about leaving and regret that maybe some one is starting to reflect.

I think this is a really important piece to pluck out for a moment, but I'm going to turn it back around on you. You have got to live your life in such a way that you won't have regrets...in a way that allows you to lay your head down at night and be at peace with yourself. I'm not telling you what to do regarding your M and your W, I'm just saying to really examine your decision-making to ensure you aren't making decisions out of emotion and reaction, but they are truly the options you feel are right.

You are probably feeling such an onslaught of emotions that it's difficult to even put into words what you're going through. You have every right to feel angry and betrayed and and disrespected, I just caution you about making decisions while in those states of mind. You don't want to end up saying something you regret that affects the rest of your life. And that's a hard thing to be able to do in the moment, so you the best approach is to prepare yourself for it.

This isn't easy, and it isn't going to get much easier for a while, but you're on the right path and asking the right questions.

I'm not "officially recommending" this - it's just a mental exercise I utilized that worked at various points for me - but I would, at times, visualize myself in the setting as though I was watching myself on TV...detaching from myself, if I may put it that way. I don't know if I can concisely explain it very well, if at all, but it's like stepping back from myself a level...like being a step removed from my environment. That allowed me not have an emotional response to whatever was going on...I could just observe and take in all the information without the emotions of my mind twisting things before they got to my brain for processing. It felt like it helped me learn how gain back control of my feelings, and it also helped me validate her better since I wasn't so easily offended.

All the best,

-PM