Actually that is the issue. He does not live here so when he arrives on the weekends the atmosphere is in no way normal. The last few weekends have been tense conversations, not arguments but all the conversations are tense. Trying hard not to be the fixer upper here or the controller!
I knew him taking the book was a bad idea but apart from saying it is just for me and you shouldn't read it, which would have been another problem, there wasn't a whole lot more to say.
So I printed off the 37 rules and will commit them to memory and keep them in a closed drawer! Thanks for that tip. I have noted the advice, signed up for coaching and am waiting to see what happens. He may or may not turn up this weekend but either way I will wait for him to contact me. At this stage I am making plans assuming he will be here but if not I have a plan B ready.
You are right about the marriage and it viability, when you put it that way. I can relate to your thinking, but that is not going to be a topic for conversation anyway. Right ?
You are right about the marriage and it viability, when you put it that way. I can relate to your thinking, but that is not going to be a topic for conversation anyway. Right ?
It might be. If it comes up (not brought up by you), then you can agree with him. Yes, I agree with you. Our M [censored]. Let's take it out back and shoot it. I don't have any desire to go back to that, either. I am working on me and I am committed to being the best me I can be . . . maybe at some point you will join me.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I agree with melissag - the conversation may be brought up by your H and you need to have a plan on how to respond. I have stopped bringing up the future and our M, but H will still work things into the conversation. For so long my H would stay that he hates our marriage and I would try and defend out marriage and explain why things had gone wrong but could be better. Now when he mentions it, I simply say that I understand and that I also do not want to go back to that marriage. You are not saying that you dont want to be married to your H, just that you dont want to go back to THAT marriage, the one that never of you were happy in.
Your interactions will continue to be really tense and awkward. They have a wall up and will continue to keep it up if they think that you are going to try and talk about the M or will break down and beg for changes. I have found that our interactions has gotten better with time. We have gotten to the point that we can even joke around with each other a bit. It is still awkward sometimes, but much better than before.
Focus on you, focus on how you want to interact with H. If you are friendly, H will follow your cues and will start to be friendly back. Just realize that H will take a lot longer (A LOT LONGER) than you think to follow them so be patient.
For so long my H would stay that he hates our marriage and I would try and defend out marriage and explain why things had gone wrong but could be better. Now when he mentions it, I simply say that I understand and that I also do not want to go back to that marriage. You are not saying that you dont want to be married to your H, just that you dont want to go back to THAT marriage, the one that never of you were happy in.
SO I hope I am getting this right I just keep adding to my original thread following after people post comments.. Is that right?
So H was away last weekend with OW, they both had friends to visit in the same town. I find it hard that he shares this information, sort of making it normal. We have only had contact through texts this week and not very many at that.he wanted to Skype Monday but i wasn't available. I have not emailed or telephoned nor has he. Until 4 weeks ago we spoke twice each day.
I had a coaching session on Monday and I think it really helped.Also reading and printing 37 steps and rereading makes me feel like I will handle things better than I have the last few times he has been here. The advice was avoid relationship talk, encourage delay about any permanent solutions, escape from any possible conflicts and have the goal that it went as well as it could.
I am unsure what this weekend will bring. He said he needed space and time to live for himself but I have no idea how that would look or how he thinks that will look. He said the he cares but doesn't want to be married any more, he has lost trust in me. He was not clear why he lost trust and I think I should just accept the feeling and not try to figure out the why. He said the relationship with the OW was a coincidence.
I have been reading about validating his feelings about the marriage. I understand not to argue with his feelings and the memory he has of events but to validate the feelings he has about them.
I think I have that part right, or do I?
My concern is the sadness that I see, he is either angry or empty/sad. It is an emotion I have not seen him display before. Do I ask him how he is feeling, do I reflect that he seems really down does he want to talk about it. Do I pretend I don't see it?
I plan to do the majority of the listening and if there is silence then I will not fill it- as is my wont!
SO I hope I am getting this right I just keep adding to my original thread following after people post comments.. Is that right?
YES - stick to one thread until 100 posts
Originally Posted By: loualea
I have been reading about validating his feelings about the marriage. I understand not to argue with his feelings and the memory he has of events but to validate the feelings he has about them.
I think I have that part right, or do I?
Yes validation is a good technique to use.
Originally Posted By: loualea
My concern is the sadness that I see, he is either angry or empty/sad. It is an emotion I have not seen him display before. Do I ask him how he is feeling, do I reflect that he seems really down does he want to talk about it. Do I pretend I don't see it?
You didnt break him and you can not FIX him.
Best to keep quiet and not say anything.
Dont pretend anything but sometimes it is better to fake it until you can make it. Does that make sense?
The question : How do I do happy positive conversation in this situation.
Not having a conversation doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong, as long as we aren't giving the silent treatment out of anger. Men really recent us when we try to punish them by not talking at all.
I think the point is more about presenting yourself as the type of person who others would enjoy keeping company with. You can smile and make comments wherever or whenever appropriate, and if he puts forth an effort to join in...then hopefully, it will turn into a "conversation". However, if he does not put forth any effort....and you are doing all the talking, well...you know how men look at that!
If you have an inner or spiritual happiness that is not based on what your H does or doesn't do, then that happiness will radiate. IMHO, that is letting your PMA Most folks like to be around happy people b/c it makes one feel better. When he feels good being in your presence, then he will want to spend more time with you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi All thanks for the advice and thoughts. Keeps me sne So a question about validating. Am I right in understanding that I do not justify the events he is talking about or try to explain why that might hvae been, EG One of his issues was that he did not feel like I cared when he was having major stress at work. I did but also he did not appear to be very unhappy, we talke about it and my impression was that while it was not pleasant he had a positive attitude. Obviously I was wrong at that time but I think that when I am listening to his feelings it is not the tiem to reason or explain just listen and validate. So far I hvae argued which is a going no where startegy obviously. Is that right?
