PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[Ambivalent]

I deal with ocd, anxiety, and depression. Stress is a major trigger. If I could "choose" to let what is going on in my mind, and body to go away. I would have done that back in May.

I exercise, try to study, work, write write and write some more.

I try to gal. I've always had one. Lot's of interests and curiosities.

To get up and get in the shower is an event for me at present. I am taking stress vitamins, upped my Zoloft, etc etc.

I find hearing little things about the T. dinner as very painful. I'm trying to look at the past days with him as a positive.

The volatile state I'm in affects me greatly.

I thought I'd like him being around during the hunting season, that it would give me more chances to connect.

I find it is just not allowing me to let go. I am very confused and he is not one of my kids, where I could step back and allow them to fail or fall.

He is someone who I've invested my whole heart into. Someone who I've allowed into my most private realms. Someone who I've allowed to hurt me. Usually I can step back and say:
NO MORE ! I'm not allowing you to hurt me.

For some reason , I am unable to sustain that frame of mind for a consistent period of time.
I'm angry at myself, I'm feeling feelings I haven't felt since I was sixteen.

I don't share all that I've worked on, because I am a "just do it" person. If given a task, I go.

Perhaps I'm on here too much right now and it's bringing me down. I'm very empathetic and I feel a lot of pain.

I want the longing to go away, but then I fear if it does I won't love him anymore. That it will be over and I can not ever let him in again.

There is a part of me that says I'm crazy, that I should look back at what I've been through, and just run! I shared much in my marriage with the counselor.

She said that I have dealt with a lot of infidelity and broken trust. She said most counselors would tell me to cut my losses and divorce. She understands why I am trying to stay. I told her I didn't want to doom my D's to a divorce and what it would do to them in their future relationships.

She said I was incredibly strong for dealing with what I have in the past and current situations. I don't feel strong.

I feel like a stick of butter that has been left on the counter over night.

She also said I should set some boundaries, I thought I had .

I guess with the whole door thing , I allowed him to tantrum me into getting a key made.

Now he's telling me to make some money and start taking over some bills.

Part of me says I should do this, that it is a good thing to do. I want to contribute. My T. says to do what I can do for right now. That with the holidays, pt. job, and school stress, that may be too much.

This is where I am so confused.

I was the distance-r in our relationship. He tends to be the boomerang guy. This tears me up. The constant back and forth. It is also very tricky.

I've been reading the H's wife, and I guess this is a stage 0-6 months where I thought I had the strength, but I haven't built it.

The stress of the next few months are only going to get worse and I'm not handling it right now. I'm lost right now and can't seem to get my compass to work.